Letter

Dear,

I got the message.

1. We never do anything together. No drinks after work. No dinner. No lunches.
2. You ask me how I'm doing. You tell me you're worried about me. But you don't listen. Case in point, the last time we talked I asked an important question. Your response "Well good!". Your standard response to anything when you're not listening.
3. You invited all of our friends to a "Gala" when I'm out of ear shot. But when you tell me your schedule it's a "private birthday party". Oh yeah, I'm friends with your friends on FB so.... yeah I saw the pictures.

What the hell am I supposed to think? You tell me you want to be the most important person in someone's life. Me too. Don't act so surprised when I'm not interested in talking. I got the hint.

Pluff

Blabbering

So here I am 2 weeks after moving out and I'm in a state. No other way to put it.

The first week was kind of crazy. Adjusting to the change, schedules for work, C, shooting etc. It went by in a blur. Last week wasn't much better. Now that we're getting into the holidays things are happening quickly. Really I only had Mon and Tues "on my own". Of those days Tues was insane. I was at work at 6:45. Conference calls, meetings, work, then OTHER stuff after work.

Next thing I knew it was the day before Thanksgiving. C and I went to see my Mom for the holiday (more on that in a bit). It was a nice visit. Seems like I left the house maybe 1 time in 4 days. It's amazing how 4 days of doing nothing go by so quickly.

The trip home yesterday took just under 5 hours. C slept through most of it. She played with her iPod for the other part she didn't sleep.

It was probably the first time since I moved out I actually had time to think. Unfortunately, I don't have any clear thoughts. Just a jumbled mess. And sadness.

First, now that I'm out of the house, I want so badly to move back. BUT, I know it's just a knee jerk reaction. I'm missing the comfort zone. But I KNOW if I moved back I would be miserable.

Second, I know I have no future with anyone. Including Sandy. But there are times when I physically hurt knowing the reality that she is BAD for me. My head tells me to stay away. But the heart really, really, doesn't want to.

I'm paralyzed between the worlds. I could just accept my place in the world, move back in, be a Dad to C. A husband to Mrs as much as best I can. What happens when someone else comes along? What happens to Mrs the longer I pretend? AM I pretending?

Last night was the first real time I felt completely lost. Before I was more in a daze. Mrs and I discussed Thanksgiving for a couple of weeks. Initially she wanted to go to visit my Mom. But then she changed her mind and decided she wanted to stay behind and be with her Mom. My own feelings went from "wouldn't it be weird" to "maybe we should go together to be with C". The debate went on up until Mon or Tues. In the end she stayed home.

All weekend I wondered if this was right. Part of me was indifferent. Part of me would've rather been somewhere else. Another part was curious what she was actually doing.

When I dropped C off, I really wasn't sure what I should do or how I should act. Mrs didn't really seem to act any differently than if I had gone away for a match. She said "I have a surprise". I noticed the bedroom door was closed. She opened the door and the room was... different. She painted. It was something she wanted to do for a really really long time. In fact, seems like she asked for a gift card back in Feb for her birthday for supplies.

This really wasn't anything earth shattering. BUT.. I guess part of me sees it as her making a break. It just didn't seem to be "my" room anymore.

I think the reality is she wanted to keep busy. The colors are those WE picked out. I wouldn't have helped her anyway because painting isn't really my thing. She enjoys it. We have an understanding about painting.

After she showed me the room we kind of sat around. She and C started trying on some clothes she picked up over the weekend. I was sitting there thinking "uhh... ok.. what am I supposed to do here... " Finally I just said "Ok gonna go". She seemed surprised I didn't want to hang out.

I got back to the apartment and debated what to do. I decided to do some cleaning. The room doesn't smell like cigarettes anymore. The smell is replaced by a.. musty smell now.

I attacked the carpets with cleaner and a vacuum. Then ran to the store. I got back around 7pm and literally stood in the room trying to decide what to do. I really wanted to call Sandy to see if she wanted to grab a bite. But I just really feel like she just doesn't want me around.

I made dinner. Ate. Tried to take my mind off of things. The longer I sat the more alone I felt.

Around 3am I finally realized (which I'm sure is a big DUH to anyone still left reading this blog) there is nothing to fill the void. Mrs can't do it. Sandy could, but only for a while before I realize it's all an illusion. I think what I want most, is for someone to want me. The sad thing is, the one who does isn't enough. I'm having a hard time really seeing that ever changing for anyone.

I guess at the moment I truly feel hopeless. The brain part of me is telling me I'm depressed. This is a classic symptom. Hang on until you talk to the right people. It will get better. Another part of me just hurts. I feel like such a chick because I'm on the verge of losing it at any moment.

Having said all of that, I did meet with a therapist/counselor/psycologist. He has a lot of letters after his name. I picked him (actually his wife but she isn't taking new patients) because of his credentials. He is referring me to someone to explore the depression side of things and possibly medication.

In the meantime, the phrase in my head is "ride it out"

Failure at Failing

I moved.

Yesterday Mrs and C went to church, then a party, then somewhere else. While they were gone I moved.

It was surprisingly fast. I didn't take much. A futon to sleep on. Clothes. Toiletries. I nightstand. Hamper.

I got to the new apartment around 2pm. It took all of 15 minutes to "move in". I ran to a few places to get things I didn't have like, sheets or cleaning supplies. Then I stopped at a grocery store to pick up enough food for a week.

The previous occupant of my room was obviously a smoker. I spent the better part of the night spraying various products to try to get rid of the smell. I guess they were somewhat successful. It smells better than the rest of the apartment, but perhaps only marginally. It's hard to tell if I'm just getting used to it or if it's actually better.

I'm not sure what to make of my roommates. When I first met them, it seemed like we were all going to be a bunch of misfits. One girl is the talker. She seems to make all of the decisions. She talks non-stop too. The other is more quiet and reserved. I think she's maybe the older of the two. I'm sensing there's some sort of disability there maybe. She doesn't seem to be able to think very clearly. It reminds me of Mrs Aunt. Maybe some kind of learning disability. But they have this ridden hard way about them. It's not like I can afford to have options. In my price range, you're going to get what you get.

But, now having spent the night there, I'm really starting to think I've made a huge mistake. I'm doubting my whole situation, but not for the right reasons. First and foremost, I really miss C. This is so much different than going out of town for training or for a match. There's no coming home, at least in my current mind set.

Secondly, I think I've, once again, made a bad choice. Perhaps Mrs and I did need to separate until we can get a handle on our situation, maybe not, but I just don't see this apartment working out. I was calling it a night around 10pm, admittedly early even by MY standards. But just as I was nodding off the front door slammed and some guy was talking a mile a minute loudly walking into the apartment. The girls were "sssh'ing" him. I guess because I was there and had gone to bed. But I soon realized they were just getting started. I don't know how long they were up and about. It wasn't like a raucous party or anything. But obviously our hours are going to be way off.

Then there's the nagging feeling something isn't right. That "ridden hard" thing is tickling the back of my brain like a serious warning sign. Part of me thinks it's my not so sub-conscious fighting the major change. Like I'm looking for any reason to run screaming back home. But part of me wonders if this is my healthy paranoia warning me of an actual problem.

Finally, I feel like maybe this was something that can't be undone. Mrs is very cold. I guess that's to be expected. But I think she might actually hate me. And it really bothers me.

Mrs goes back and forth on conversations so that I don't know what she really wants. One minute she's telling me she doesn't want to be in a loveless marriage. Then the next she's all but calling me a bad father for wanting to separate. Then she says "Ok, ok I think maybe this is for the best. It will give us some time to work on us individually". Then she's back to calling me a bad father again.

The thing is, I haven't heard her say she loves me in her arguments. It's all about the family. She wants me to love her. But does she really love me. And for me it goes back to her feelings that we're drifting apart etc. etc.

I don't know which way is up. But I do know my resolve is seriously weakened. I feel like I can't even get separation right. And I'm not sure I can get reconciliation right either.

Daze

I feel like I'm in a daze. I've been walking around the house with no emotion. Nothing. After the last post, I started actively looking for a place to live. There aren't a lot of options for someone 1) not willing to commit to a long term lease and 2) poor.

I stumbled across a seemingly perfect situation. 2 women in their 30's-40's looking for month to month, cheap, and willing to accept a make. I met with them. They seem nice. Part of me has this nagging feeling that something is off with the arrangement. But everyone I talk to just tells me I'm being paranoid. I told them I wanted a day or 2 to think about it.

I've been walking around work and the house ever since thinking I should feel SOMETHING. I don't feel happy, sad, angry... anything. Total void.

Monday night, after meeting with my potential roommates, I told Mrs I found a place. The conversation was bizarre. Accepting at first. Then questioning. Then out and out anger. She, at least in my mind, called me, non-challant in throwing away our marriage, a bad father, bad male, and selfish. I'm paraphrasing (except for selfish.. that's a direct quote).

All day yesterday I was pissed about the selfish thing. Any action I take will be selfish at some level. If I stay, it's selfish because I'm accepting a nice warm comfort zone. Never mind Mrs obviously knows my feelings aren't the same for her as she for me. If I go I'm selfish because I want to do SOMETHING different to get out of our current state.

But then last night when we talked, Mrs was... resigned. I don't know if she decided to go along with it thinking maybe I'm bluffing. We talked about the big things to think about. When I'm actually moving. When to tell C. What I'm going to take. How I'm going to visit C. She seemed very.. casual about the whole thing. We watched the election results together. Almost more normal than the last month in that we were actually in the same room together for a change.

Today I'm questioning everything. Is she right about all the things she called me. I don't know. A couple of weeks ago she handed me a pamphlet on depression. I can check off EACH and EVERY single symptom. I mean to a tee. It's not like "well... maybe this one and this one.. but not this or thins". I mean it's a) check b) check c) check.....xy and z) check

Emotionally I'm still in a daze. I went to meet with the roommates again. I gave them deposit and first month's rent. It was surreal. Like going to get the oil changed.

I feel like I should have stronger emotions about SOMETHING.

So what the hell now? I move out Sunday. Should I find a counselor/therapist? Start taking meds? What do I do with Mrs? Do we go out? Is this the one thing too far for me to ever take back?

The straw

Broke the back last night.

I had plans to do a lot of stuff yesterday. Unfortunately, a hurricane threw enough weather our way to wreck most of it. Instead I went to the store, grabbed a TON of junk food and beer, then watched football all day.

We were supposed to go to a party last night. In our last conversation, I told Mrs I couldn't stand the sight of our "friends" any more. True of most people I hang out with actually. Symptomatic of my current funk. But we only see these people once, maybe twice a year. I just don't have anything in common and don't have the energy to pretend I do. But Mrs is still close to a few of them. To top it off, Mrs' mother is in poor health. She isn't capable of watching C for us anymore. I made the sacrifice (sarcasm in case you didn't pick up on it) and offered to stay home and watch C.

Awesome. So I have beer, junk food, a laptop, porn, maybe some internet lovelies who would be up for some mischief.

Then around 5pm Mrs said "I'm not going". This shouldn't have irked me. But it did. I was looking forward to alone time. I kept after her. "But these are your friends. You should go. Why not go have some fun". She still said no.

I retreated to my Man cave to watch more football. Around 7pm she walked in the cave, in costume, and asked me to run to the store to pick up an accessory for her. I was very surprised she changed her mind. And if it meant alone time, then I would go to the store for her.

Around 8:30 she finally left. C went to bed around 10. I grabbed the laptop and started surfing around, seeing who was out there. Then at 11, I heard the door open. Mrs came home. With drive time, she was at the party at most, 2 hours.

Fuck.

I was still watching the ND/OU game while catching up on scores on the laptop (since porn was now out). Mrs washed off her makeup. She came out of the bathroom in her PJ top and nothing on the bottom. I knew what was going to happen next. She flopped in the bed, shoved her face in front of mine pushing the laptop away and started trying to kiss me.

I don't know why, I guess it's the ultimate sign of things. But I REALLY did not want to have sex. Period. She wouldn't let up. Finally I pushed her off and said "not now".

She jumped out of the bed, stormed out of the room and slammed the door.

At that very moment, I knew it's time.

I picked up the laptop and my phone and went to our spare bedroom. Which, btw, is trashed with her clutter (major sore spot). She came storming in. There was much arguing and yelling. But really, what is there to say. Actually, she argued and yelled. I didn't say anything but please get out.

Not sure what else to say. There's a lot of things, painful, to do.

Out Loud

Conversations sound one way in your head. Not unlike what you hear when you sing. A recording never sounds anything like the way you imagine. Something happens between the inside voice and the oxidization, reverberation, vibration of actual sound crashing into ears that changes the context, intent, content.

We postponed the conversation until after C's birthday and my last redneck games. That would be last night.

It's obvious to me perception is everything. I live in a cloudy world where everything has subtext and dark shadows. Mrs lives in the opposite. Everything is sunny and rosy and just peachy.

Case in point. Thurs night was a lot of ups and downs. I'm getting ready for my next redneck game (leave Wed morning). Sandy and I are doing this match together. She is actually an integral part of running this one. Me not so much. She needed a lot of help with gear. She had to leave Sunday in order to be there to do all of the "pre work". I'm heading out Wed. Her schedule is much tighter than mine. I went over Thurs night to help her out.

Nothing remotely inappropriate happened (aside from me being there at all) and hasn't since May. She is swamped with pre-game stuff that comes with the role she's taking in this one. Calls. Emails. Last minute details. Oh yeah, and getting her stuff ready. So I picked up some food and made dinner. Went through the list of things she needed me to do for her while she dealt with her own issues. I left about 10ish with just a hug.

When I got home, I tried to walk in the front door but something was blocking the door itself. I pushed and shoved. Finally I put my shoulder into the door and basically bum rushed my own house to get in.

Here's where my view and Mrs view diverge. I was fucking pissed. Who the fuck blocked the damned door?!?!? C had placed her backpack for the next day in front of the door. But it got wedged when I tried to open the door. Mrs was immediately on the defensive. In my mind, I was in a blind rage. She didn't know what I was talking about when I said "Who the fuck blocked the door?" I picked up C's bookbag and showed her. Then, in my mind, I wanted to fling it at something.. smash.. break... rage... What actually happened was I casually chunked it back towards the door and went to our room. I knew my reaction was bad and over the top. I did NOT act on impulse. But I'm sure my tone and face showed what I really wanted to do. As soon as I stepped away for a second I started feeling guilty. Why the fuck did I get pissed? Why is that ALWAYS my first reaction.

Mrs stalked into bed, turned out the light without a word. I couldn't sleep. I got maybe an hour.

The next day it was like nothing happened. She was chipper and bouncing around like she always does. Meanwhile, I was still questioning what the hell was going on with me? We met for dinner. I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open at dinner. After, back at the house, I plopped down on the bed and was going to catch up on some of the season premiers I missed earlier in the week. I think I made it about 5 minutes before I passed out.

Sometime around 9 Mrs came in the room turning on the lights. I was out cold. As soon as the lights came on, instant pissed. She said "I guess we're not watching a movie" I didn't remember us agreeing to. I said "What are you talking about?". She replied with "Well you're asleep". I shot back "Well I fucking was". Again, what the hell? Why is "pissed" my first reaction.

I slept for close to 12 hours. Sat morning I picked up my iPad and started reading. Mrs stirred, rolled over and shoved her way onto my chest. Annoyed. I just wanted to read.

Her hand went to my cock. Annoyed. And now guilty because I acted an ass and she wants sex. She persisted. My cock betrayed me. She climbed on top. We fucked. The entire time I just wanted to get it over with. Could she tell?

We had a wedding to go to Sat afternoon. It was a pretty quirky wedding. The bride and groom are both... unique. Not in a bad way. Just different. So the wedding was the interesting mix of traditional and whimsy.

After, back at our house I sat back down on our bed to read. Mrs came in and repeated the whole barge her way onto my chest when all I wanted to do was read. Eventually she fell asleep. I took the opportunity to go somewhere else and read.

For C's birthday we booked a ghost tour. Around 6:15ish I woke Mrs to ask her what time we were supposed to go. She stretched and said "We need to leave around 6:15". Annoyed. I picked the clock up and held it for her to see. "SHIT!" she said jumping up and running around getting dressed.

We went on the tour. C had a great time. I felt like we got ripped off. We basically made 2 stops. The lady talked for 1.5 hrs about history and about 10 minutes about ghosts. Our city is littered with graveyards and history. There are SO many cool stories and places to talk about ghosts. It just seemed... half assed.

Not much else went on. Mrs had some errands. I had something things to do to get ready for when I leave for my part of the games coming up.

Which brings us back to the conversation. My view of the last week was pissed, annoyed, guilt. Mrs' view was "cuddle, family time, making love".

Making things worse, she "scheduled" our talk for 8:30. At the games a couple of weeks ago I won a gun. It is the first time I've ever been able to pick a gun off of the prize table. I didn't place that well. The company sponsoring the event threw that much product at the match that even I, at the bottom of the pack, was able to pick up a gun. Usually those are reserved for the top 10% of the competitors. I was around the 60% range in place if that gives you an idea of a) how generous the match sponsor was and b) how it really isn't much of an accomplishment for me to get one. But it is exciting for me nonetheless. I picked it up yesterday while running my errands. I took a moment to take a picture to post on FB. Mrs was oo'ing and ah'ing over the gun. When I put it up she said "It's time to talk".

The conversation in my head, that I've been mulling over was something like "I need to move out. It's not fair to you or C to be around me. I just want to crawl in a hole until I get a handle on what my problem is". But on the heels of us giggling and oo'ing ah'ing over my new toy it just seemed so.. inappropriate.

But I went ahead. And of course the song didn't sound the same on the tape recorder as it did in my head in the shower. I just couldn't bring myself to say "I need to leave". I tip toed around it. Mrs said "I think you want me to tell you to go". Which is partially true. I'm a coward. I can't say it. Mrs felt blindsided. That things were "going well". I just don't see how she can't feel like we're going through motions. There's no way she could've felt like my heart was into anything.. including sex. I even told her I felt guilty about it because I don't feel like I deserver the intimacy after my behavior. It was a shock to her. I just can't understand how on one hand, she says she feels like we're growing apart, but on the other she doesn't feel the tension in things we're supposed to do as married people.

I don't know what we accomplished. She basically said "If you want to go then do it. Don't beat around the bush". But then she said "C will be devastated". Which I'm sure will be true. So here I am. Wallowing in self-doubt, pity, and depression.

The Conversation

We had it. Not sure where we're going from here. I told Mrs almost everything there is to tell.

Yes I love her. I don't know if my love is what she needs. Yes I get angry. Yes it's unfair to her. I think something needs to change. It's my fault. It's time for me to go.

We decided to sit on the discussion for a bit. C's birthday is tomorrow. I'm not going to mar her birthday with "Happy Birthday Sweetheart!!! Daddy's leaving".

I don't know where to go. I pay all the bills. There isn't much left over for me. I'll cross that bridge later.

It got dark in here

Or is that just the shadow of that shoe dropping on my head?

How do you start "the" conversation? "Honey, we need to talk. I know everything has seemed 'ok' over the last few months. But it's time for me to be honest. I just don't have the same feelings you do. I've tried to be 'the husband'. But it's just not working. I get depressed. Then I take it out on you. It's not fair to you"

I've had this conversation in my head a thousand times. Then I ask myself, where the fuck can you go? How the fuck can you afford to live? What happens if you realize this is a horrible mistake. Your judgement is clouded. There are some things you just can't take back. Is separation one of those?

I have this feeling I'll never get to have the conversation that way. Sandy and I have been.. cool at best. Ever since the night we almost had sex, it has been completely, and totally platonic. To the point where I feel like I'm the only "friend" in this friendship. But that's ok for now and another depressing post for another time.

Yesterday, I went to the range for some practice. Sandy and I are going to a big event. We're both scrambling for last minute adjustments to equipment etc. I met her at our usual spot and we rode together. We spent about 2 hours practicing. After we stopped at a little bar on the way back to her car for a quick drink.

No hanky panky. Purely platonic. As we walked in the bar I noticed out of the corner of my eye, two of Mrs' friends sitting in a booth. Actually, it's a little more complicated than that. Two of Mrs' friends, one of whom I actually dated before Mrs. They did not see me.

I steered Sandy to the other side of the bar far far away from them. We had a couple of drinks. 30 minutes-1 hour tops. I paid, we started to leave. I chose another door away from the friends. As I stepped outside, RIGHT in front of me was friend #1's car. Friend #2 was about 30 yards to the Left. They were talking across the parking lot. Sandy and I had to pass between them.

I kind of lowered my head behind the bill of my hat. But they both probably got a good look at the side of my face.

Sandy and I got in the car. I drove her back to her vehicle and went home.

I guess this will probably force a conversation. Shit.

Stuck

C spent the night with a friend Saturday night. Mrs wanted to go out on a date. Off we went to one of the metro-centers of activity. It's an older part of town undergoing gentrification. Very hipster meets the hood kind of area.

Dinner started off ok. Bottle of wine. Good food. I wasn't in the mood for dessert so I ordered a dirty martini. We left the restaurant and walked to a pub to have another drink or two. I just had a couple of beers.

We left the pub around 11pm. About 1/2 way home, on the interstate it hit me. I was fucking drunk. Like I haven't been that drunk in a while. To the point where I was having a hard time seeing straight.

Complete panic set it. I was already on the road. It was a very dangerous situation. I forced myself to breath deep. Thankfully we made it home without incident. Thank God. Note to self.. NEVER... EVER... do that again.

Once we hit our neighborhood Mrs started getting frisky. She unzipped my pants and pulled my cock out. As soon as I pulled into our driveway she was unzipping her pants. I unlocked the front door and opened it as she started peeling her shirt off. When the door shut, off came her pants. We fucked long and hard.

The next day I woke up with that fuzzy, what the hell did I do feeling. I looked around seeing a debris field of clothing. A shoe here. My watch over there.

I also felt guilt. A lot of guilt. Sandy and I have cooled significantly. To the point where I feel like we're at a place where we both realize we will never be "more", but we don't know how to be anything less either. She's cold and distant. I'm just confused. We go through the motions of friendship. But there's clearly an awkwardness.

I still feel everything in my life is a lie. We went through the motions of marriage. Dinner. Sex. But it's empty. Something you just do.

Worse, I don't know what to do. I have no where to go if I were to leave. I feel like our relationship is teetering on the edge of imploding. Mrs deserves more. I feel like if I stay, at some point I'm going to do too much damage to her. Maybe even to C. I would never physically harm either of them. But words can cut too. I realize my moments of anger over the years are at myself. I don't want to take them down with me.

Finally, I have very strong emotions at times. Dark.. dark emotions. I feel like I should talk to someone. But I'm afraid of what will come if I do.

Vacation - aka gouging eyes

We took a family vacation last week. It was actually nice. At least the first half of it anyway.

The trip was a whirlwind of places and family. We started in a nearby mountain city. It is famous for an extremely opulent, turn of the century mansion. C loves to visit there. We went for a special holiday event a few years ago. She was completely in awe. It was back during her "princess" phase. Obviously she could picture herself a princess in those settings. The time of year was magical as well. But it was also packed and the tour was limited to just the holiday themed areas. This time we did the whole thing. And I mean the WHOLE thing. 8 hours worth of walking. But it was nice.

Next we went to my Dad's place in the mountains. While there we took advantage of some of the local stuff. We did a whitewater raft trip and zip lines. Tons of fun. I wanted to do some redneck stuff at my Dad's place but it was 100+ degrees there. I just couldn't bring myself to get any hotter.

After my Dad's place, we finished up the week visiting family. My Grandfather is in his late 80's. Everyone keeps telling me to go visit him now. He won't be around much longer.

I have mixed emotions about the visit. First, I'm glad I did see him. My family is VERY long lived. All of my Great-grand xxx's lived well into their 90's. One Great Grandmother almost made it to 100. She died at 99. My Grandfather has been in congestive heart failure since I was in my late 20's. He keeps saying he's going to die from it soon. But 20 years later... His health is clearly declining though.

The downside, my Grandfather has always been an unusual character. He's an old country doctor. If you really know doctors that means he's smart, stubborn, narrow minded, but knows everything. There were times when I wanted to shake the shit out of him and shout "I'm 44 fucking years old and this is not my first damned rodeo you stubborn son of a bitch!!"

He also has some very odd views about people. Everything is very black and white with him. He hated his mother. She was "mean" to him some so he hated her. I don't understand that. My Mother had her moments and did some crazy shit. But she's still my Mother. I had a friend back in college who was pretty wild. He visited a few times. My Grandfather just decided one day he was gay and just had to tell me about it.

On one hand it may explain my friend's constant whoring. Denial etc. etc. But on the other there was the constant whoring. Just don't see it.

My Grandfather was the reason for my first marriage. One day he said "You need to marry that girl. A girl has to be married. Either marry her or let her go". At 22 and very inexperienced I asked myself "Why not?". It was a decision I'm sure fucked up most of my life.

You have the idea. He's an old weird dude. Now, it's hard to tell whether or not his weirdness is coherent, or if he's getting dementia. One day, he decided to share with me all of his sins. He asked me "Have you had your indiscretion yet?" I have long learned my Grandfather is NOT as wise as he thinks and to just keep my mouth shut. We all know the answer is in my archives. But I said No. He went on to tell me about his. How he started flirting with a woman. How he was in his 50's and feeling unattractive and her attention was at a perfect time blah blah. But he swears he never had sex with her.

Ok, uncomfortable for sure. I wasn't sure why he was sharing this with me. He implied he wanted me to learn from his mistake.

But then he went on to tell me about my Grandmother. She died when I was 23. My Grandmother had a lot of demons. Alcohol was the number 1. She was 4' 11" and 80 lbs when she died. Technically she had an unfortunate series of timing where she had low blood pressure and took blood pressure medication leading to strokes and other massive organ failures. Personally, I'm convinced she would've survived if it hadn't been for DT's etc. on top of it all.

She pretty much raised me. My Mom worked at my Grandfather's office. My Grandmother picked me up from school, took me to all of my after school stuff. Kept me during the summers. After college she came to visit frequently. Much more than my Mom did.

My Grandfather went on with his story to tell me my Grandmother was a vindictive whore who fucked a male prostitute to get even. She then contracted the papillomavirus etc etc. According to him, when she found out he didn't actually have sex with his woman she felt so much guilt she started drinking and quit eating.

I was stunned hearing this story. Not so much the story itself. But that *I* was hearing it. I tried to keep my emotions in check and just listen. Later, hell still, I tried to decipher what the conversation really meant. Did my Grandfather actually fuck this woman and he's telling me this to try to rewrite his own history? Was he expressing guilt? Maybe trying to confess his sins and unburden himself at the end? I'm pretty sure at least part of the story was to blame himself for my Grandmother's death. The message being "I wronged her and that wrong ultimately lead to her alcoholism and death". Was he just dementia'd?

He told me he tried to have this conversation with my Mom and she blew a gasket. Then he said he would rather I didn't tell Mrs.. he understood if I did because she's MY wife. But he would prefer I didn't. He added, he wasn't sure if he'd have this conversation with my Sister. Probably not he mused. Finally he added, "maybe I shouldn't have told you".

From my perspective, I'm deeply disappointed he chose to smear the memory of my Grandmother. Kids see their Grandparents, or should, or in my case did, as these perfect loving people. My Grandmother taught me about unconditional love for your children and their children. Sure she had her flaws. But she represented the "right" way. Here's my Grandfather knocking her down. And himself. I'm not sure who he tore down more. At the moment, I just see him as the sad old man about to die. Not the Grandfather I once knew.

Another thing that really bothered me about the trip was his wife. He married a couple of years after my Grandmother died. She's a super nice lady. Very good to my Grandfather. She has a Daughter and 3 grand kids herself. She is just a year or 2 older than my Mom. Her Daughter is my age. Her grandkids are the same age as C (give or take).

Over the years, my piece of my Grandfather's history has slowly disappeared from his house. I noticed there was only 1 picture of my whole side of the family. Period. No pictures of my Mom, my Uncle (now deceased), none of the Grandkids.

It's in line with a general attitude. If WE make the effort, they are all accepting and welcoming to us. But when they vacation, they always go to her Daughter, never to us. Even when they vacation near us, we find out after they've left.

We left my Grandfather's house to travel to big southern city to visit my Mom for the last few days. Visiting my Mom is always a chore for me. I love her. But visiting is like standing outside watching a storm approach. It may turn or pass by. Then again you make get the full fury. My step-Father is another odd duck. He's like a 12 year old. Correction, a very exuberant 12 year old. Sometimes you just don't want to go play with the bug collection if you know what I mean.

My Mom is full of drama. She's been that way as long as I've known her. I just know to expect moments of fury and drama and ride them out remembering it's just her way.

She started in about my Grandfather and how pissed she was for "the things he said". She didn't know he told me as well. She said "Well... I'll just tell you what he said". Mrs was sitting there. I got pissed and left the table. But she told Mrs anyway. So much for his wishes.

I can debate forever what was going through his mind. Was he telling the truth? Was he trying to skew my memory of him? Has he simply lost his mind? Doesn't matter. The better question is, what is MY role now with this information? At first, I saw it as my job to just be his confessor. Let him get whatever it was off his chest. Make the sign of the cross, touch his head or whatever the hell makes him feel better and move on. Then let it die with me. My Mom clearly has other ideas.

I'm extremely disappointed with them both. My Grandfather for smearing my Grandmother, whether there was truth to it or not. If all he wanted was to was to warn me, he could've done so without taking her down with him. My Mother for being my Mother and not keeping her mouth shut. You had to hear her tell it. But she just couldn't wait to tell us what he said. Like it was too juicy to keep it in. Sure she was pissed and appalled. But she just HAD to say it. She's probably already told my Sister.

All people are flawed. They are human. It's our way. As a parent, I try to improve upon my parent's flaws without fucking my kid up. I will have enough of my own flaws though. It is unfair to burden my children with MY parent's flaws. To them, they see them like Santa Claus. You never want them to find Santa out behind the mall in the piss stained costume with an empty bottle of Mad Dog puking all over himself.

Notes

This was in my Inbox:

Thank you for paying the mortgage.
Thank you for paying the light bill.
Thank you for paying the water bill.
Thank you for paying my phone bill.
Thank you for loaning me the money so my car can have air conditioning this summer (it's hawt!).
Thank you for being so funny and brightening each day.
Thank you for Daddy Camp.
Thank you for being a caring Dad to C every week.
Thank you for cutting the grass and making the yard look so nice.
Thank you for being a great kisser.

I love you.

Why doesn't this mean anything? You start to realize there is a point where you do too much damage. Thing's cannot be unsaid. Actions cannot be taken back. Silence and void cannot be filled. I should've responded. But I didn't.

If I leave, it is a tear that will never be repaired. If I stay, how is it fair to Mrs to love so hard without return? At what point is it too late for her to be happy?

Fuuck I don't know.

The Good and the Bad

I was (and will before it's over) going to do a post about nothing but positive things. I've been in such a funk it's hard to see anything but negativity.

I'll start with a mixed bag. I had to run my match yesterday. This thing is really starting to drain on me. It's the proverbial ball and chain around my ankle once a month. I can't go out with my friends on Fri afternoon before one. I missed a memorial get together to honor my Manager because of match set up. I really wanted to be there. I missed a big match with Sandy and perhaps sealed our current state because I had to be here to set up for one.

The match yesterday was no different. I was in a funk as soon as I showed up to the range. It went downhill from there. Right off the bat a new kid broke a huge safety rule. I had to boot him from the match before he ever fired a shot.

We run 5 what we call "stages". They are different shooting events. Shooters rotate through each accumulating their score for all. The way we do the schedule is, we break the shooters into groups and send them off to a "stage". This way we have several groups of people shooting all at once on different parts of the match.

A big downside to being in charge is I feel responsible to keep the groups of even number. I also have to ensure each group has an "official" who can referee etc. Invariably, there will be a group without enough expertise etc. I end up jumping in with that one.

Saturday was no different. Except ALL of my friends ran to one group leaving me shooting with the new guys and pains in the ass no one else wanted to shoot with. My funk got even worse.

The irony, I didn't give 2 shits about shooting. I just wanted the day to be over. But, I kicked ass. I mean REALLY kicked ass. I threw down a smackdown I haven't had in a while. So what does this mean to me that I shoot my best match completely depressed? Talk about negative reinforcement.

Ok so on to the all positive now that I got that out.

1st, I kicked ass yesterday. It wasn't a little bit of kicking ass either. It was completely dominating. I won 4 out of 5 events in my division. I took 2nd on 1 just by 1 point out of 100. This is based on "division". Think of divisions like different kinds of cars in drag racing. You've got street cars, dragsters, top fuel, funny car. My division is like a dragster. But I won one of the events outright. Beating even the funny cars of the sport.

My daughter is getting so big and so smart. She got an opportunity to move to a school for gifted and talented. It was the number 1 magnet elementary school in the country for a while. The waters were very fast and her teacher was a hard ass bitch. She made honor roll all 4 quarters. Including the first quarter when she transitioned mid quarter from her old school. She took the top score in reading on standardized testing in the entire school.

Poor thing is hitting her awkward phase. She's getting it all at once. Period. Pimples. Boobs (boy is she getting them too). Glasses. Feet. But she has such a great attitude. She could care less about all of the things most girls are horrified about.

She will get her braces off in 2 years. Hopefully we will have the hormones settling down somewhat. I can see that stunning beauty she will be when she sheds it all.

There's my job. I got a bonus. My reviews have been stellar so far. I'm the lead on the biggest project we've had in 20 years. I go to Wisconsin tomorrow for the last piece of training (anyone want to get together?? eh worth a try). Once certified I could easily get a job making well over 6 figures.

Lastly, I'm in the best shape I've been in in years. I'm dropping weight without even trying. At the last match, the heat was absolutely oppressive. Where other's were falling out, I was the fucking energizer bunny. And it paid off.

That's all for now. Feel like I just did a fucking Stuart Smalley bit.

New Lie

Recently I can't stand the thought of Mrs touch. Not that she's physically repulsive. Quite the opposite. It's not that her personality is repugnant. It's the thought that she wants my intimacy. Something I just can't muster for her right now.

While I'm currently helpless to my addiction to the thought (clearly not reality) of being with Sandy. I recognize how destructive our relationship is. Acknowledgement is only one of the first of many steps. And frankly, my heart hasn't been broken enough to move on to other steps just yet. Also, I've made a deal with the devil, I need her for purely platonic reasons. Like it or not, she's in my life for at least another 10 months.

It is well documented in this blog I haven't felt the same passionate love towards Mrs she feels towards me. I've tried for all of the years I've been blogging to fill that void with playmates. Anything to feel something other than monotony. But always, I have been able to at least give her physical intimacy if not emotional. Why now, after all this time, am I repulsed by the thought of her touch?

Der.. clearly Sandy. I'm not willing to recognize her as the direct cause. But more of catalyst. Let's face it. I've been hunting pretty hard all these years for something.. anything. What happens if a play partner becomes more serious? If Sandy weren't in the picture at all, would it be possible I would one day sit in the same spot I'm in now. Feeling like I just can't take another minute. I can honestly answer yes to that question. Perhaps it's part of my anger issues. The helpless feeling I'm in a life I don't want. Perhaps even feeling guilt for wanting a different life I don't deserve.

Tuesday night we spent the evening in separate rooms. I washed the nasty clothes from the weekend at the match, cleaned house for the 4th, watched a little tv etc. Around 11pm I started watching a movie on my Macbook. Mrs came to bed. I noticed she had on one of her fuck me teddies. I continued to watch the movie as she climbed in bed. She rolled over and rested her head on my shoulder.

It wasn't like I didn't feel anything at all. I felt disgust. Physically turned off by her touch. I tried to hide my body language. I guess I was somewhat successful because she stayed.

The movie had a fair amount of sexual content. There were a couple of scenes bordering on pornographic (hell yeah btw). Mrs was watching right along. I had earphone in so she couldn't hear the context of the scene. At some point I realized, without the audio, she would be watching extremely erotic images. NOT something I wanted. I yawned loudly, put the laptop up, and rolled over to go to sleep.

She wrapped herself around me. I was facing away. She pulled me towards her. I just couldn't do it. I wrapped my arms around her, buried my head low against her chest and tried to lay still.

After a few minutes, she rolled over and turned the light off. I was so relieved.

Then, she jumped out of bed, turned the light on and demanded "What the fuck is going on??? Why won't you have sex with me anymore? Am I fat? Am I too old? What is wrong with me???" She started crying.

"Nothing! I'm just really fucking tired" was all I could come up with. It's so cliche but it really IS me. Not her. But there's no way in hell she would ever believe that.

She continued "You haven't had sex with me in weeks. Why???" Again I responded "I've just been so fucking tired lately. So much on my mind. Work. Shooting. I just don't have the energy".

She wouldn't let it go. Finally, she climbed in bed.

At this point I was overwhelmed with guilt. And I committed the ultimate lie. I fucked her. In my mind it was to put aside her fears. But in reality, I know it was to try to ease my own guilt.

Years ago, when I my first wife and I were separated, we ended up in bed together. We separated for a few months. At first we didn't see each other at all other than to deal with mail or payments. But after a few months we decided the right thing to do was to get together and maybe try to work it out. We went on a few dates. The nights always ended awkwardly. A kiss. Maybe more. But it was mechanical. Void of emotion. One night, we kissed, then more. She asked if I wanted to spend the night. I said yes. We went to bed. We went through the motions of sex. It was the most awkward thing I've ever done. After, I felt dirty. Like it was only consensual in that it was what we were supposed to do, not what we wanted to do. That was the last time we had sex. And the last date we had.

Sex with Mrs felt just as mechanical. Purely physical. Void of emotion or desire. I don't know if she felt it too.

In my heart, I know this is between me and Mrs. I know if I were to divorce Mrs tomorrow, Sandy would not be there. But I feel like I'm at a breaking point. But what if this is all a big mistake? What if I leave and realize I can't live without her. My judgement and feelings were clouded by irrelevant bullshit. There are some things you just can't take back. Based on my experience. Separation is one of those. Especially considering how insecure Mrs is. Any time I left town for business, or shooting, or fishing with my Dad I know she would question whether I would come back.

Gah this is all self-serving bullshit. I'm just spouting out of my ass. I don't know. Closing comments.

Yeah not so much.

When I last posted, Sandy and I kind of wiped the line in the sand away.

She was preparing to go to a big match. I really wanted to go but had a conflict and couldn't. There were tons of things she needed to do to get her gear together. I was helping her almost every night. Almost every night we would drink and get things would get flirty.

One particular night, it didn't take very long to do whatever it was she needed. She offered me a drink. I declined. She made me one any way. Then she started drinking from a flask. She would slam one back. Then hand it to me. I said "Hang on.. before we get drunk I want to do something". I leaned over and started to kiss her. She froze. Face to face, mouths almost touching, I asked "Why do you have to get drunk before you'll kiss me?" Then she kissed me.

The conversation went from there. She would slam back something. I kept trying to refuse. She would stick the flask in my hand anyway. Same old conversation. I'm attracted but.. I just want to have fun... You can't handle just having fun. Finally I said, do you want to have fun? Let's go right now.

She asked "Do you have condom?". In my truck I replied. I went to get it. When I got back in the house, I took her hand and led her to her bedroom. She said "This is going to complicate things". I said "They've been complicated in case you haven't noticed". I started taking her clothes off.

At first she hesitated. Then she let me peel her dress off. I took my shirt off. Then my pants. I unsnapped her bra and pulled it of. Gently, I pushed her back to the bed. My mouth went to hers. She seemed very nervous. I drifted my mouth along her neck, to her nipples. She tensed. I kissed and played for a few minutes. Then I started down. When I reached her panties I peeled them off. Again, at first she seemed reluctant. I said "I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to". Then she relaxed and let me peel them off.

I started kissing her thighs moving closer and closer. She put her hands down and pulled my face to her. As I started up, she put her knees together so I was basically blocked. Again I said "I'm not going to do anything you don't want". She parted her thighs and I moved to her.

I still had my underwear on. I kissed her. Her thighs were clamped firmly to my hips. I asked "Are you ok?". She didn't answer. I looked at her and said "Do you want this?". She said "I am overwhelmed with guilt".

And I stopped.

Since then I have no clue what the hell is going on. Sometimes she's business like and it's like nothing ever happened. Then one night she agreed to go to dinner. We had a few drinks. Then it was like we were an old couple out on a date. Wonderful.

Over the weekend we travelled to a match together. I booked a room a long time ago, back when she was barely talking to me. I didn't think she was going. The hotel only had a king bed available. Later, when she decided to go I told her what I had. We were still planning to be in the room together.

We checked into the hotel. Did the match stuff. Went to dinner and had a couple of drinks. Got back to the room. She went in the bathroom and changed into yoga pants and a t-shirt. I changed into a pair of shorts. When I climbed into bed, she turned the light off and scooted as far across the bed as possible turning her back to me.

The rest of the weekend was more of the same. At the match, we hung out with all of the usuals. Or rather, she did. IF I happened to see where she went then I could catch up and hang out.

A couple of things were going on. First, there is another shooter there who is a world class competitor. He's older. Married. Several times he sat down next to her and they talked. Her hand would go to his leg. His arm. I was sitting right there thinking WTF.

THEN... and this is the huge one... THEN... he gets on the phone. Our sport is a very small sport. But with recent shows on TV about shooting we've attracted a few celebrities. There is a very famous Country star, think SEVERAL top 10 hits. Taken a CMA or 2. He was on the other end of the phone.

The guys looks at Sandy and said "He wants to talk to you".

Fucker asked her to be his date on the 4th. What... The... Fuck... How the hell do you possibly compete with that. I mean seriously.

She said at first she wasn't going. Then she said it would depend on if she could get a flight. Which to me means she's going on a fucking date with a Country star.

There's more.. I probably really fucked things up last night. We didn't get back from the match until around 3:30am. Around 2am we got into it in the car. Like she unloaded on me a while back. I unloaded on her. So yeah I've got that going for me. Uncorked on her... AND she's probably going out with a Country star... FUCKING STAR...

Officially Complicated

There's a line in the sand between us. One of us will reach out with our toe and wipe it clean. Take a step forward or backward and redraw the line. Since we had the heart to heart, bitch out, whatever you want to call it. The line has moved frequently. Last night it was almost obliterated. It's still there. But it's safe to say there isn't much left of it.

For now, it's nice.

Uh oh..

"I will hug you *bonk* and squeeze you *bonk* and call you George.. *bonk bonk*"

Per usual this got much longer winded than I intended. My real point is towards the bottom.

Sandy told me she and the ex-bf hooked up. I got pissed. I didn't say anything. Just looked at my watch and said "I have to go". She said "you're pissed". I said "No, really I have to go". Which was true. It was very late. She kept after me. Finally I said "It's clear you can never do the one thing I asked". She said what's that. I replied "Just fucking talk to me" and left.

The next day was the go-live of the biggest project I've worked on since I've been here. I just got a bonus for my work on this project. We hired and trained 50 people to go out into the enterprise and sit with areas to help them. We built a command center and staffed it with another 40 people to field trouble calls. That's close to 100 people prepared for this one day.

I sat at my desk waiting for problems thinking about Sandy and how pissed off I was. I wrote the last post. Still pissed off. My phone rang. The old me would've ignored her. The newer me is trying to control my anger and not take rash actions. I answered the phone. She called to wish me luck on the big day. I thanked her and tried to force myself to ask what she was doing blah blah. But inside I was fuming.

The big day was a dud... in a good way. No major problems for the project. Nothing at ALL for my group's part. I knew if we did our job it would be a non-event. It was (why I get paid the big bucks.. yeaaahh.. *snark*).

Sandy didn't call at all on Friday. We were supposed to go to a match together Saturday and I was wrestling with what to do. On one hand I was fucking pissed. On the other I need her to help me with my big match next year. Back on the first hand I asked her over and over what changed and she flat out lied... on the other I went down the road of telling her to fuck off and hated myself for 2 years.

Mrs, C, and I went to dinner. I knew Sandy would call about the match. Sure as shit she called just as we sat down. I couldn't take the call. I sent her a txt and said "At dinner, I'm on for tomorrow. Will call you in an hour".

An hour later I called. No answer. Another hour I called no answer. She usually hangs out at a community party down by the water on Fridays with her family and some friends. It wasn't surprising me she didn't answer. I texted her "I'll be at your house at 715 unless I hear otherwise". Another hour and no answer. I was about to say "Fuck that I don't want to assume.. I need a yes or no" when she replied with "Ok".

The next day I picked her up. I really didn't know what to say to her. I didn't say much. We rode in near silence for about an hour. About 1/2 way there we started talking about the big match and our conversations were somewhat normal. We got to the range and, of course, all the guys flocked to her. It was actually kind of comical because she couldn't even get out of the car because the guys were literally in the way.

I grabbed my stuff and headed towards the registration area. I really needed to talk to someone about the big match. I have not seen them in about 6 months. He was actually there that day. I ran over to chat with him. Sandy came up beside me. We talked business for a bit. Someone came up and interupted us. We went to register.

After paying our fees etc, Sandy and I walked back to our gear. I can't remember what it was she said but I quipped at her. Some semi-sarcastic response. Nothing I haven't said a hundred times to her before. She said "why so mean?" I quipped "The day ain't over and I'm sure I have way more mean things". She walked in front of me and said "Look... the ex-Bf thing... it was a one time thing... it was a mistake.. I didn't count that as things changing".

It was a little awkward getting into this on the range. I said "First, you lied to me. I asked you time and time again what was up. You looked me in the eye and flat LIED. Secondly, really?? You want to do this here and now??" So we got into it. She went off. I went off. We tried to keep it quiet and cheerful on the outside. I knew people knew we were getting into it though. Several people were walking towards us and decided to go somewhere else. She lit into me about how I always hold everything she says against her and how she feels like she can't have a conversation because I'm just going to throw something back at her she said 2 years ago. She said that's why she doesn't feel like she can talk to me. I said "this is the most honest conversation I've had with you in 5 years. Why the hell do you have to wait until we're standing here in front of everyone to have it? If you had said all of this in pieces all along we wouldn't be at this point right here".

I'm not really sure we got anywhere because really how far could I go with an argument with people around? She said her piece. I said mine. Nothing much else to do. We shot the match.

It turned into a really long day. The guy organized it really poorly by his own admission. We finally got things moving. But it was VERY late before we finished. Then one of the people helping us next year wanted to grab lunch. It was 4pm before we finally headed back.

I waited until we were about an hour out. She said "What's on your mind". I replied "I really want to ask you something, but I'm tired of fighting". Then about 5 minutes later because I can't help myself... "All those times when something was obviously up.. why the hell couldn't you just tell me what was going on?" She told me the whole story about her ex-bf and what happened. It was a conversation. Not mad. Not arguing. Obviously she still had feelings for him. And, btw, this is/was their pattern. Break up for 3-4 months. Get back together. So it wasn't unsurprising. And while we talked she would say "But I wanted to be with him, and he would hem and haw and not give me anything".. I interrupted and said "Ok.. so you felt like he wouldn't commit or even acknowledge... so you can understand MY feelings, you and I would push things, but then you would act like nothing happened or feed me what felt like lines of bullshit.. a lot like you feel about him". On and on.

That whole hour ended up being about perception. How she perceived things. How I perceived things. How she could understand why I would see things that way.

Not much else for that day. I left dropped her off. We talked some more. We fell back into the old "us". Sitting on the couch. Drinking. Talking about stuff. Busting each other's balls.

Monday we talked briefly while C was at her violin lesson. I couldn't talk long so I told her I would call her later. Mrs went out for the girls night around 8:30. I called her up. We were just shooting the shit. Then she asked "general question... you don't have to answer.. but you told me you loved Mrs, but not the way you should". Wasn't really a "question" per se. But we started talking again. At one point her Ex bf came up. I said "look.. first off I don't hate him (she told me I did). I don't hate anybody. In a weird way, at one point when I thought you were feeding me BS and not giving me answers, I actually thought maybe I had it wrong. He wasn't willing to commit to you because he was getting the same bad vibes I was". Then she said "You know he's going to be at XX match (one coming up in 2 weeks.. she will be there and I can't)"

I was pretty sure I knew he was going. I'm pretty sure she's going because he is.. or at least back when everyone signed up for this match months ago. I said "look.. let's try this again... you two have a pattern.. I get it. (she's protesting the entire time I'm saying this). Let's just say for a minute you're wrong about his other woman. It's a whole misunderstanding. He comes up to you and is all 'baby baby you have it wrong.. I love you we shouldn't be doing this' and you get together. For the love of God just tell me something changed with you" Then I added "Because I feel like a complete idiot when I have and act on our relationship and feelings and it turns out he's right back in your life again... not to mention we're all playing a game with guns.... I'd really like to not get shot". She's adamant it's over.

So to get ready for this match coming up, she needs a lot of help with her rifle. We went to the range yesterday. What a clusterfuck. We had to stand around cowering under a shelter when a sudden, violent thunderstorm came up. It was raining so hard you couldn't even see our targets and equipment. We didn't leave the range until 8pm. Mrs and C were out. I needed food. We went to this little bar.

We started talking again. BTW, this is where the real point of this post is. We started talking about our 2 year hiatus. Apparently, none of the core group of people we know would talk to her. I was mortified. I said "I never ever intended for anyone to shun you or hurt you. I just had to back away because my feelings were too strong and it was making me full of self doubt and self loathing. I never meant for you to be hurt". She said "Yeah you did".

At one point I actually tried to initiate a conversation with her. She blew off a couple of parties we were both going to. It did not go unnoticed by people. I tried to say "Look.. I don't want to come between you and friends... I'll just not go to these". But she would never respond so I never had the conversation.

But there it was. Stab in the chest. She really thinks I set out to shun her from our friends.

I started thinking... did I? I replayed conversations I had with people. Because they did ask. And as much as I tried they kept after me. I would tell them things like "well.. I was helping her every day with this and that and it was going to lead me towards a divorce. I had to step away" because I had nothing else I could really come up with. But was I subconsciously "putting the hex on her"? Putting out my anger and, in fact, turning people against her?

Which lead me to other conversations and times I got angry with her. For example, a few years ago, before the hiatus, there was a match in Fl. I asked Sandy if she wanted to go. She said she did. You have to send your applications in together if you want to shoot together. I waited and waited. She wouldn't commit. Finally I said fuck it and sent mine in. Then she sort of acted like she wanted to go. She hemmed and hawed. Typical Sandy in my mind. Ultimately she didn't go. I went by myself. NO ONE I knew went. It was a meh weekend. Then not 2 weeks later, I found out AFTER the fact, she went to another match with one of my good friends. So in MY mind she was willing to go to this match with him, but not me and I actually committed time and a lot of $$ to get stood up. Fuck her right?

It came up last night. She said "Like that time you got so pissed at me because I wouldn't go to Fl with you". Then she went on to say "I couldn't afford to go to that match. But the other one, we did it in 1 day. We drove there. Shot. Drove home. It was horrible. 10 hours of driving. 12 hours of shooting. We were dead. I did it that way because I couldn't afford hotel etc. that it required to go with you".

Hmm.. ok there are 2 sides to that. First, I had no clue she was going until AFTER the fact. So it looked to me like she just blew me off for someone else. BUT.. I started thinking. Did she know I would've been pissed about her going with him? Was she afraid to say anything and that's why I found out after? Is it possible she's right. All this time. In all of these years. My old nemesis anger has poisoned this relationship??

What about now? Am I holding onto what I want so tightly I'm squeezing the oxygen right out of it? Did I in fact poison all of these people who knew her for so long before me with MY anger? Fuuuu...ck

I'm going to admit the thought has kind of turned me a little sideways today. Clearly Mrs doesn't deserve to be hurt. But I can't help my feelings. There are days when I just want to be anywhere else.

Then all along I have seen Sandy as hurting me when maybe... it has been the other way around and I'm too stupid and arrogant to realize it??

Yuuuuuup

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

Sandy has been after me to post some stuff for sale for her. She doesn't feel comfortable because the guys can be kind of ruthless sometimes. I went over to her house to take pictures of the stuff.

Nothing intense. No innuendos or anything like that. The only moment in question was, while eating dinner she put her foot on my chair in my crotch. But that was it. After taking the pictures we were talking about things coming up. Matches. Things she wants me to do to help her. I don't remember exactly how it came up in conversation. But I was busting her balls about how she is so flighty about things. Especially when it comes to my help. I said "You could always get your ex-bf to do it". She said "The Ex-BF and I got back together for a bit. But it turns out he has been seeing this other woman with 2 kids".

Woah.. stop.. hold the fucking phone. It all makes sense now. And I'm fucking PISSED. 1/2 the posts on the first page of this blog are me telling her, wanting her to just be honest with me. I've asked her time and time again, what changed? Something is up? And I get accused of being a girl. Now it turns out I was right all along and she was pulling her usual shit.

And so now that he fucked her over, she's calling me 2-3 times a day. Laying out the innuendos. For a period of time she was all over me about shooting matches with her, being her shooting buddy etc. But for months she wouldn't commit to anything. Because of who she is and who she knows she can pretty much get her way with any match out there. People like me, not so much. These things are so competitive to get into, I have to be ready to get my app in the mail the second it's available and hope it gets to the people in charge fast enough that I don't get wait listed. Here she is not giving me answers about matches, but wishy washy about whether she's going. Now I get it. All because her fucking ex-BF hadn't committed to these things. She put ME on fucking hold.

I honestly don't know what to do. I need her on one hand to help me with my big event. Or do I? Can I just walk away from it ALL? Shooting. Being the guy in charge. All of it?

Fucking people sometimes!!

Babble on brook.. er. Brooke..

Woah.. It's been a while. Ton's of things going on. So much to discuss.. so little time. Beware... this started off clear, concise and to the point but ended up rambling. I don't really have time to clean it up and put it back to coherent. So.. consider the following a stream of conscious blabber.

First, as I mentioned a post or two ago I'm getting more and more active on twtr and less and less on here. The quick blurb and immediate interaction just seems to fit my ADD so much better these days. Having said that, I find it really difficult for me, and my mouthiness, to stay within the char. limitations of teh twitter. So on one hand I feel more "online" there. On the other, it's like I never really say anything at all.

Also giving tumbler a try. But honestly, I just don't get it. Sure I can reblog other people's stuff. But it just seems so.. lazy to do so. Also, I find the UI unbelievably confusing. You can only do certain things from the dashboard. But other things I can't find at all. Like replying to a comment.

Life is turning a little bit sideways. Mrs and her boss are not getting along at all. Fast history. Mrs has been at her job for about 15 years. While her position on the ladder has remained steady, her duties have increased to be more like management. Last year, her boss quit. She was in charge of their largest annual money maker. For a period of time, she also had the duties of acting management. She applied for the job. Even pitched combining positions to save money. And they passed her over. Turns out, her big event brought in the most money ever.

Fast forward a year later, she has a new boss. Got passed over. Her boss is a workaholic. No kids or family. We have a child. This year, we had an unbelievable opportunity to send C to a gifted and talented school. It is ranked in the top 10 elementary schools in the country. The down side, we had to switch a month into the current school year and it's 15 miles on the wrong side of town. It put us in an unbelievable schedule strain.

We only have 3 weeks of the school year remaining. And her boss decided to write her up for "performance" and other things related to dealing with C's schedule. All of which are completely untrue. All of her reviews are excellent. She has exceeded each deadline and task expectations. She was blindsided. I've never seen her this upset before. She is beating every bush she can to get the hell out of there. As her husband I am unbelievably pissed at the complete stab in the back. First, she sets records for income and they pass her over. Then, she goes for 8 months of a school year dealing with a difficult situation while still doing her job, and they write her up with only 3 weeks to go. In the 9 years prior of C's life, we've never had issues with scheduling like we've had this year. And we won't again. Next year, we won't be changing schools in mid-year. We can set up all of the after school programs we weren't eligible for this year.

My work has been completely understanding and helpful. My boss and his boss pulled me aside and said "we understand how tough this opportunity is. Bring C here after school if you need to for this year". They went so far as to re-iterate their support knowing what Mrs' company is doing to her.

Aside from that stress, things are great. The project I've been working on for a year is slated to go-live Thursday. Things are going so well my boss pulled me into a meeting under the guise of discussing some architectural changes to the system. In actuality, it was a meeting with upper management to give me a bonus. Nothing earth shattering from a $$ stand point. I've been here for 20 years and I've never heard of ANYONE ever getting a bonus. I'm sure it has happened. But because we are government I'm sure it's rare. It's the gesture that's important to me. The last couple of years I've felt lost here. This says to me I'm back where I need to be.

Then there's Sandy. I just don't get that girl. In the past 4 months, I have done everything to keep it all business with her. I need her for my sport and the championship next year. But as I skimmed over the spotty posts over the last few months, I kind of realized I skipped a lot. Long and short, back in the fall she made a move to come back into my life. I held off. Then I thought things were different so I pushed forward. She pulled the same old shit where she gives me the go-way/come here game. I decided it wasn't for me any more and just quit chasing her.

I knew the local governing body of my redneck games were going to ask me to run another championship. I'm not going to rehash all of the reasons for my reluctance. But it had to do with "the" incident and a ton of other crap that went down last year. While I don't want a relationship with Sandy at "that" level. She does know how to do the job of helping me with the event. I asked her if she would help. She pulled her usual passive aggressive non-committal crap. I just don't understand how hard can it be to say a simple "YES" or a simple "NO".

By the eve of the meeting when the directors would discuss it, I still didn't have a yes or no from her. So in my mind it was a no. I kind of glossed over how it turned into a "yes" in this post. I was pretty stand offish to her up until that night. A bunch of us ended up going to dinner. I didn't give next year a second thought. I rode with Sandy to dinner for convenience sake. On the way back, one of the other girls in the group joined us (turns out it was to stall Sandy so they could pull a prank on her back where she was staying). On the drive, Sandy asked "So.. what's the deal with next year?"

I decided it was time for put up or shut up. I said "Well.. in my long and frustrating experience with you, if you don't say 'yes' the answer is a passive aggressive 'no'". She said "I never said no". So I laid it out. "Then tell me right now yes or no". She replied with "But I don't know if.." I cut her off with "That's a 'no'". She said "that's not what I said". I challenged "You aren't listening. The only way I'm doing this next year is with you. And you aren't saying yes. So I'M firmly in the no column. Talk to you girls tomorrow". She said "Wait.. ok I'll do it". At this point I was just being a smart ass and frankly, tired of games so I said "That isn't yes. That's other words implying a yes. I need to hear the one word".

She said "Yes".

Ok now she's on board. I went to the directors meeting and told them we would do it again for 2013. I also stipulated that if Sandy backed out and any point, I was out. And I couldn't have any of the people involved from last year.

So what is confusing the shit out of me now (and you knew this was coming). I have been very business like with her. I don't go over to her house. If we have to talk about the event we either do it over the phone, or at lunch. But in the last 3-4 weeks she has been doing her old routine again. Making innuendos. Calling me 2-3 times a day. I rarely call her. She asked me to come over for a drink last week. Things just didn't work out schedule wise and I didn't. Then she tells me one day "I have a whole bottle of scotch at my house just for you but you never drink it".

So she only wants to play a game when I push her away. But as soon as I make a move to her, she does the same old clam up, go away/come hither thing. If I try to ask her what the hell she's doing or wants she just changes the subject.

I'm not going down this road again with her. At some point I'm going to have to put my foot down and tell her it's just business. Period.

Then why ask

I guess it's good in that the things I do to help will be less and less. I don't get why someone asks for help. Then goes around questioning the help behind my back, finally to throw it back at me.

As I said before, I talked Sandy into helping me with my big event next year. The baggage that comes along with that is she asks me to help her with things. Or rather, she complains incessantly until I offer to fix it.

Case in point, I ordered bullets for my redneck sport. And by bullets, I mean the actual projectile. Not what you get in a store, in a shiny box with brass, powder, primer all ready to be loaded into the gun and shot. For our sport, we make our own ammo. It's more cost effective, but more importantly, there are rules specifying how "powerful" your ammunition MUST be. We load our own to insure we meet that requirement. I've seen a lot of people spend a fair amount of money to go to a championship (entry fees in the hundreds, gas, hotel, food) only to have their factory ammunition not make muster.

Politics being what they are, people have hoarded ammunition components and drove the price sky high. Personally, I've been looking towards cheaper alternatives. It came up in conversation with Sandy. She said "Ooh.. if you're ordering add a case for me". I made sure she understood I was ordering a new type of bullet to test out that is significantly cheaper than what we've been using. But the key word is "TEST". She was ok with it.

Bullets came in. I walked in her house, dropped them off, then left. The next weekend she showed up at a match and started bitching becuase these bullets seat differently and they won't fit her gun. Ok.. not a problem.. we just have to just her ammunition makin machine (something she should've done herself).

So I drove over to her house again. We spent some time adjusting, measuring, tweaking etc. etc. While I was there she said, "Hey, take a look at this other machine I have. It's stuck". The machine is used to take previously shot brass cases and return them to factory dimensions. First, it wasn't stuck. She had a "tricep malfunction". Little bit of actual arm and it worked fine. Secondly, the reason she needed so much muscle was because the machine was actually scratching the crap out of the cases.

In my experience, this happens when you use cases made of a certain material. It becomes brittle at the mouth and tiny little almost microscopic pieces flake off. They "stick" to the steel in the machine and scratch the shit out of the brass. Further, it makes it REALLY hard to work the machine because of the increased friction. I've found the best way to deal with it is to use the proper type and amount of lubrication. I went through this with my own machines. It took me months and tons of time online to figure out what was happening. But once I did, I had NO more issues. Zero.

I took it apart, held it to the light, showed her the tiny little pieces stuck on the dies. She said "is it ruined"? I told her no, you can take a dremmel with a felt wheel and gently polish it to get the flakes out. So I did. I tested it. It works fine.

Yesterday, while talking to her about the event, she said "Oh, by the way... I was at #recent industry event# and talked to the owner of the company who makes that and he never heard of what you told me. I also told him you polished it and he almost fainted.

FUCK.. HER. I actually went to the companies own page. On THEIR own product support they discuss exactly what I told and showed her. Not only that, THEIR solution was to put the fucking thing in a LATHE with 400 grit sandpaper and sand it out.

So I'll just check that off of the things I'm willing to help her with. I think I'm up to 3 or 4 things now. Before long, I think I will be back to a net ZERO on the "owe her for helping me" card.

What the hell am I thinking???

Here I go again...

Last weekend I travelled out of town to participate in my sport of the red neck variety. It was our State Championship. It was one really weird, up and down weekend.

I shot on Friday. I felt like I had a pretty decent day. Consistent. No huge mistakes. Usually I can gauge how well I performed by the other people I'm shooting with. However, I was with a group of guys who's abilities were a little below mine. I had no one to gauge how I was stacking up. I knew I beat all of that crowd. Just not how that crowd faired relative the heavy hitters.

Friday night a bunch of us went to dinner. Late in the evening I got an email from the scoring people with my results. I had a 1st, 2nd, 2nd, 5th, 7th, 7th..(woohoo!) basically all but 1 finish were top 10. Only about 1/3 of the competitors had shot. But I happened to know the probable winner had already competed. So I felt pretty good with a 1st place, couple of 2nds etc. I pulled up the overall placings (instead of just mine) to see where I stood. I was expecting top 5 with those results. I was 9th (fuuuuck). I was pretty bummed. I mean, I thought with those places I really should've been up there. In my head I'm thinking "why the hell do I bother.. I mean I did the best I could and it's not even close.."

Once back in the hotel room I started trying to look at my scores more closely to see what went wrong. Where did I screw up? 1st event decent.. 2nd kicked ass.. 3rd bad but not worth a lot of points 4th kicked ass... 5th... 5th... Beuller... where the hell was my 5th event.. OOOOHHHH I was missing a score (happens.. no big deal it would turn up the next day). I grabbed my copy of the score, did the math and with the missing points I was in THIRD freakin place (woohooo)

The next day was a long day of work for the remaining competitors. In my mind I started thinking, I might could pull off the State Championship (the 1st and 2nd place guys were from out of state and don't qualify for that award). I got all dream sequency.. walking up to applause in front of all of my friends being crowned champion. I needed 2 people to have really bad days and it might could happen. Both of those guys came by and I watched them perform where I was working. They kicked ass (fuuuuuuck).

After it was all over I waited for the results to come out to see if I stood a chance or not. After 20 minutes the sheets with scores started trickling out. I took a look. I got one of them in this event.. he got me in another.. I had both of them here.. they squeaked by me there... ooooohhhh they both screwed up royally on one... I might... just maybe.. did I pull it off??

Then came an annoucement. "Folks, there is a huge problem with the scoring program. We won't be able to get results today. We're going to have to start over to get rid of corruption in the database. A lot of the scores you see are way off" (FUUUUUUUCKKK)

So yeah the weekend was like "meh.. WOOHOOO.. fuck... wait a minute WOOHOOO.. fingers crossed.. FUUUCKKK .. hang on.. maybe?? messed up?!?!? FUUUUUUUUUUCK

Turns out I am not champion. I did put up a hell of a fight. I did win 1st place in my handicap. My overall finish was my best ever at this level. So in the end it was pretty good.

Back to Friday night dinner. Long story short, I am running next year's deal again. This is the same event I ran last year when "the incident" occured. This year will be different. God help me I talked Sandy into helping. I really wanted her to help last year but we weren't talking. This coming year hopefully will be the caliber of event it should've been last year. Praying without another incident.

Lastly, my online experience has been dwindling. I'm still lurking and obviously posting occasionally. But, my attention span anymore is better suited for twitter. If anyone is interested I'm at pluffmudinsouth there too.

Not signing off or saying bye or anything like that. Just more active with 1 liners there. I come here when I have time (not as often as I like).

Mob rules baby

I'm sure this won't be a popular thing to say. My 10s of followers may in fact abandon me. But I'm going to say it. It's going to be political. IF you are one of the 5-10 who still come here, please read the whole thing before you decide spew forth teh hate.

More information is coming out of Fl about the, now famous, case of the neighborhood watch guy shooting the kid (trying not to trip too many search hits). I'll preface my opinion by saying it is absolutely tragic the kid was shot. I would not, under any circumstance want that on my conscious no matter how justified I may feel.

Should the guy have been following the kid? Maybe, maybe not. The guy was part of his neighborhood watch. Police encourage citizens to form neighborhood watches and patrol. What is the point of a NW if all you do is put up signs? So the guy sees the kid. He thinks the kid is suspicious. Was the guy profiling? You bet your ass. Should he? Sorry to say it, but probably. My Dad has had a real problem with crime in his neighborhood. Eventually they caught the kid responsible. He was a lone kid, wandering the neighborhood on foot, at night, wearing "street clothes". Yeah I'd probably call it in too. Perhaps the better choice would have been to simply call the police without ever leaving his car and let them deal with it. Do you really think the police would have come to investigate? I'm betting not. I can get the guy's action to a point. For sure his actions have put him in the position he's in now as public enemy number 1 (justified or not).

Let's talk about the kid for a second. Turns out he wasn't the angel after all. He was in trouble with his school for having a baggie with weed residue. There are now stories of tweets between he and a cousin of unprovoked violence against a bus driver. What was the kid doing there in the first place? Did he live there? It was a gated community.

According to transcripts the guy was following the kid while on the phone with the Police. They told him to quit. He said he returned to his vehicle. Then mayhem ensued.

The guy's story is he returned to his car and the kid jumped him. He was knocked to the ground, the kid repeatedly punched and slammed his head on the sidewalk. The kid grabbed for the gun. Fearing his life, he shot him.

Why the hell would the kid, much smaller than the guy, go after him? How could the kid knock him to the ground? How could the guy shoot a kid with only skittles and a drink in his hand?

Now we're hearing there is one, maybe 2 witnesses who did see the kid attack the guy. The guy had grass stains on his back, scrapes and cuts to his face and back of his head. The kid's girlfriend was on the phone with him and her story may support he attacked the guy.

The guy was clearly eager to do his job in the neighborhood watch. Maybe too eager. The kid was clearly no angel. Maybe the guy provoked the kid. Maybe the guy chased the kid and started a fight, ended up on the wrong side of an ass whooping and then used deadly force. Maybe he did walk away and the kid, pissed off at being followed with a history of bad choices, who decided to get some. Maybe the kid bum rushed the guy and caught him off guard. Maybe the guy was in fact just a fat geek with no history of violence completely unprepared to deal with 150 lbs of teenage gansta fury going off on him.

The media is doing a bang up job of inciting the populace into bounties against the guy, marches, protests, speeches on Capital Hill. Turning the guy into some crazed, racist vigilante with uncontrolled blood lust.

At the end of it all. A young kid is dead. The guy, no matter what the outcome will be the scourge of the earth. And no one really knows what the hell happened. Oh yeah, and the police have barely scratched the surface of the actual investigation. All of this is due to public outcry based on incomplete information.

Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if the guy did provoke the kid and shot him in cold blood. Nor would I be surprised if the kid did in fact beat the guy to the point where he feared his life. The circumstances leading up to the shooting are riddled with question marks from the guy's role in the watch to the kids motives and past. The stories (and they're just that at this point) of the actual shooting are suspect. Did witnesses really see anything (after all the source is the media)? What did the kid's girlfriend actually hear?

My point to this entire post is, NO ONE... and I mean NO ONE, not even the Justice Department knows what the hell actually happened at this point. For sure it is tragic. The only known is a kid is dead. Be patient. Let them investigate. Wait for all of the facts to come out. Then, and only then judge the incident.

Small load, I did it by hand

This ended up being long and drawn out. There are semi-interesting things towards the end though.

This weekend was a whirlwind of activity. It started first thing Friday morning. We had a massive outage over the weekend at work to complete some electrical upgrades several years in the making. All day Friday there were tons of last minute preparations.

I don't know what the hell people were thinking, but many decided to take the opportunity to install upgrades, or make changes. We kept trying to explain, we manage hundreds of systems. We have to shut them all down cleanly. Asking us to make changes while juggling it all is a disaster waiting to happen. Many of these decisions came Friday afternoon.

Which completely fucked me up because I also had a match to run. Yup, Saturday, in addition to the outage, was also the 1st Sat of the month. My weekend to run my little shootin match. It takes most of the afternoon the day before to set one of these up. While people were scrambling around wanting tons of stuff done at work, I had to bail (or at least tried to) to go to the range to prepare for that little event.

I finally pried myself out of the office and ran up to the range. Fortunately, I have really good help. A couple of the retired and self-employed guys went out earlier in the day and did a lot of the work for me. I built things until about 6pm.

When I got home, Mrs and I got into an argument. I'm planning to go to nearby southern State for a championship match in 2 weeks. I really need practice. Next weekend I was planning to go to mid-state city to shoot their match. Mrs has work to do and needs me to take care of C. Over the last 3 months, between work and personal, my ability to practice has dropped to nothing. I'm pretty frustrated because I've invested a significant amount of time, energy, and money into the sport. And it's all wasted if I don't practice. We had just come to an arrangement about the weekend, when my phone rang. It was my Dad. Guess who is deciding to come visit next weekend? FUCK!! Plans back out the window.

Between the argument and the conversation with my Dad I pretty much threw my hands up and sulked the rest of the night in the bedroom.

As you should all be aware, the weather in the south was FUCKED.... UP. Tornados. Massive amounts of rain. When I went to bed Friday night, my area was predicted to have 80-100% chance of rain. You would think we would cancel the match for weather. Many other shooting disciplines do. But not this one. We are hard fucking core. I've only seen 1 match cancelled in my years in the sport. And that was because the road to the range was underwater. I am expected to hold X number of events a year to keep my affiliation with the national organization. Until I get that number in, I feel tremendous pressure to hold them no matter what. That and I took the time to build the thing I damed sure want to get my money's worth.

Saturday morning I trekked to the range. It was overcast, but dry. The radar showed a wall of green headed our way though. Usually, when the weather is going to be nasty, we will have a hand full of die hards. I expected about 10-15 people including the people who set up and run it. We ended up with 50. I couldn't believe it. Everyone knew it was going to pour. But they came anyway.

So we trudged ahead. Sure as shit, not 5 minutes after we started the drops came. At first a drizzle. Then a steady rain. About 1/2 way through the day it turned into a deluge. People kept shooting. We trudged on.

Around 12:30, I had done all I could do. I had to be at work at 2pm. I made arrangements for someone to take over for me. I jumped in my truck and hauled ass back to my house. I only took about 10 minutes to pull out all of my equipment and lay it out to air out. Jumped in the shower. Then started working.

The outage was mostly 2 hours of furious activity followed by hours of waiting. During the wait period, C had show that had been on the schedule for a year. I hauled ass across town to watch that. I'm SO glad I did. Her show was amazing. She was great. It's amazing to see how much she has matured in some respects in the course of a year. Had I not been able to make it, I would've never realized just how much. By the time her show was over, I had to haul ass to get everyone back home. Then haul ass to work to complete the outage.

The outage went about as expected. Hours of chaos as we fought the little things involved with powering on an entire data center. Timing problems. Small config oversights. Each requiring individual attention and extreme organizational skills. None of which happen in the wee hours of the morning. But we got through it. I made it home around 2:30am.

I carefully slid into bed trying not to wake Mrs. I guess I wasn't successful. She slid over to me pressing her back against me. I was on my stomach, my hand by my side. When she slid against me I felt the cool smoothness of her ass against my hand. Hmm.. that's different. She moaned and pressed against me. I rolled over sliding my arm around her waist. She pressed back against me. I felt a tightness in my groin.

Usually she wears pajamas to ped. I thought of what the nakedness meant. Maybe she rubbed one out while I was gone. The tightness progressed to throbbing. My cock was pressed against her ass. I slid my hand along her side. A sound escaped from her lips "zzxxxzzzzzxzzzZZZZZZ'. Fuck.

I rolled over to, hopefully, fall asleep. She rolled over with me sliding her legs across my groin. I could feel the heat of her pussy against my thigh. The throbbing continued. As did the snoring. Fuck.

I rolled back to my stomach. Ever since I broke my elbow, I have to sleep with that arm along my side when I'm on my stomach. It is uncomfortable if it ends up under me. The weight of my body puts pressure at a weird angle. When I rolled to my stomach, she draped her leg across my butt. My hand naturally lay against her inner thigh. I gently stroked her thigh, not quite able to reach her pussy. She murmered... then snored. Fuck.

Giving up, I drifted off and slept hard. It had been one really long day.

I guess I'm getting too old for this shit. The next day I woke up with a splitting headache. I had all of the symptoms of a hangover, minus the actual alcohol. My head pounded. I was nauseous and had the cold sweats. I pounded advil and juice trying to get my blood sugar back up. Finally around noon I was able to crawl out of bed.

Mrs was running around doing Sunday morning type of things. Once I got rid of my headache and had some food, I felt immensely better. Picking back up where I left off at 3am. I eased up behind Mrs and ran a hand inside her robe. My mouth went to her neck and nibbled along the line just below her ear. She said "I have to take a shower". I said, but I'm just going to get you dirty again. "Shower... then..."

Whatever.. I knew the shower would drag on and on. Then she would do 20 other things. She and C had to be somewhere by mid-afternoon. I did a quick mental check list of how long it would take her, and when they would have to leave and concluded we would have about 5-10 minutes for sex. But I was horny and I AM a guy so... what the fuck. I know I'll get mine. 10 minutes is better than nothing.

So I waited. I heard the water turn off. Then I heard C in the bathroom talking to Mrs. Next thing I know, Mrs and C marched up the stairs. I waited... and waited.. She never came back down. Fuck it. I'm not going to go through the motions.

I grabbed all of the gear I had layed out from the previous day and the downpour and took it to my workbench to clean and oil. Another 20 minutes went by and I was up to my elbows in grease and gunk. Mrs poked her head in and said "Are you busy?". "yup". "You don't even have a few minutes??"... "Nope". "ok".

And that was that. She and C left about 20 minutes later. I surfed porn until I finally found something suitably arousing. 30 seconds of jerking off and I was over the whole thing. Like the punch line of a joke I heard when I was younger, It was a small load. I did it by hand.

Once Mrs got home, I spent a couple of hours dreading an attempt to seduce me. Per usual, it wasn't an issue. she was asleep on the couch by 7:30.