Stuck

C spent the night with a friend Saturday night. Mrs wanted to go out on a date. Off we went to one of the metro-centers of activity. It's an older part of town undergoing gentrification. Very hipster meets the hood kind of area.

Dinner started off ok. Bottle of wine. Good food. I wasn't in the mood for dessert so I ordered a dirty martini. We left the restaurant and walked to a pub to have another drink or two. I just had a couple of beers.

We left the pub around 11pm. About 1/2 way home, on the interstate it hit me. I was fucking drunk. Like I haven't been that drunk in a while. To the point where I was having a hard time seeing straight.

Complete panic set it. I was already on the road. It was a very dangerous situation. I forced myself to breath deep. Thankfully we made it home without incident. Thank God. Note to self.. NEVER... EVER... do that again.

Once we hit our neighborhood Mrs started getting frisky. She unzipped my pants and pulled my cock out. As soon as I pulled into our driveway she was unzipping her pants. I unlocked the front door and opened it as she started peeling her shirt off. When the door shut, off came her pants. We fucked long and hard.

The next day I woke up with that fuzzy, what the hell did I do feeling. I looked around seeing a debris field of clothing. A shoe here. My watch over there.

I also felt guilt. A lot of guilt. Sandy and I have cooled significantly. To the point where I feel like we're at a place where we both realize we will never be "more", but we don't know how to be anything less either. She's cold and distant. I'm just confused. We go through the motions of friendship. But there's clearly an awkwardness.

I still feel everything in my life is a lie. We went through the motions of marriage. Dinner. Sex. But it's empty. Something you just do.

Worse, I don't know what to do. I have no where to go if I were to leave. I feel like our relationship is teetering on the edge of imploding. Mrs deserves more. I feel like if I stay, at some point I'm going to do too much damage to her. Maybe even to C. I would never physically harm either of them. But words can cut too. I realize my moments of anger over the years are at myself. I don't want to take them down with me.

Finally, I have very strong emotions at times. Dark.. dark emotions. I feel like I should talk to someone. But I'm afraid of what will come if I do.