... Warning ...

THIS IS NOT THE MERRY CHRISTMAS POST YOU WANT TO READ... ALL TWO OF YOU READING THIS THIS MONTH WILL PROBABLY WANT TO MOVE ALONG TO MORE UPLIFTING BLOGS.

I should be all "Merry Christmas" and singing the praises of the holiday and a perfect day with family blah blah. I tried really hard to be in the spirit. Up until about 10 minutes I tried.

I hate to say it, but this day is the perfect ending to a totally fucked up year.

I decided to spoil C because she is doing so well in school. I bought her an ipod touch. $200. Spent the morning getting her set up with an allowance on itunes etc. What is she doing? Reading books. Hasn't even blinked at the ipod.

Mrs got me a new TV for our bedroom. OUR bedroom, not even really my room per se. The box was smashed. TV smashed. She's pretty sure it wasn't like that when she got it. Maybe super-chain-retail store will take it back.

Mrs' family was supposed to be here at noon. It is now 1:38 and they called to say they haven't left yet. Fucking perfect. Cold Christmas dinner.

Sandy... yeah Sandy... nuff said.

ADDENDUM

Yeah.. fucking awesome.. Dinner lasted 10 minutes before MIL stormed off.

She got here 2 hours late. I knew things could not go well. I tried to compose myself. As soon as I walked in the room she came after me. "You just wake up? You look like shit". No "sorry I'm late". No "Merry Christmas". I never said a word. I tried my best to walk away and regroup. I know I was grumpy. Blood sugar low. 2 hours to stew. I tried to walk away. From behind me I hear "I don't have to be treated like that. I can sit by my damned self at home". I went into our room to try to put on a better face. She left. End game. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Sorry for being such a downer. I apologize if you did not move along and actually read this.

Ho Ho Ho

I call this blog Pluff Mud MUSINGS... not Pluff Mud LOGIC AND REASON. Today in Pluffland, we crack open the proverbial lid and let it all tumble out. There's no rhyme or reason to today's post so turn away.. read.. be forewarned.

I have several email accounts. You can divide them into 3 categories. Work, personal, and REALLY personal. My work account is pretty obvious. Work right. My personal account is for all conversations not pertaining to work, but that I can feel free to leave up on my browser AT work. Friends, shooting stuff etc. all go through that account. Then there's the REALLY personal account. You my dear friends have that account off to my sidebar --------------------->>>>>

This is a lot of lead up to say, man I hate it when I see the little new mail notice for either of the personal accounts, only to eagerly open the mailbox through whatever client happens to be close at hand and see "15% off all tie died dildos" or "You just won 10,000,000 lbs" (cause clearly I'm in England right??) I see that little (1) beside the gmail Icon and I think "oooh.. I wonder who that could be".. click.. wait.... wait.. awww fuug.. just spam... sniff...

I'm used to the endless stream of crap from work. I've had that account for 20 years. Way before spam. Certainly before spam catching appliances. That's 20 years of that address getting scraped, bought, sold, stolen from open directories (back from the day). Add to that the constant stream of automated notifications from systems blah blah.

Topic Shift

I don't know what it is. Or rather, maybe I do know the root cause, but I'm not willing to admit it. I've had this feeling of impending doom deep in my gut. Some days it's stronger than others. I just feel like something really bad is coming. Like I'm going to drive through my neighborhood and some kid is going to sprint in front of my car. Or I'm going to get robbed or someone is going to get shot at a match.. MY match. I don't know what. I just can't get over it. I don't know.

Topic Shift

Moving on to better things. This year, I actually got all of my shopping done early. Or earlyISH compared to previous years. Usually I would start thinking about shipping things today thinking "eh well if it gets there it gets there if not.... oh well not" But I actually took time off of work to go out and buy stuff. I even went so far as to buy stocking stuffers. It's like I'm.. prepared or something.. blech what a weird feeling that is.

Topic Shift

There are days when I wonder if we are doing the right things for C. We switched her schools back in September. She was in a decent school before. It was K-6. The new school is the top school for her age in the Nation (public school). It is K-8. It was a tough choice. She LOVED her old school. She thrived. The new school has a lot more opportunities. Their curriculum is very advanced. She had been on a waiting list for the school for 5 years (we got her on the list when she was 5). We were afraid in those 5 years, as good of a school as she was in, she would not be at the same level as the kids in this new school.

On top of that, she is taking violin. Dance, Cotillion. Dance and Cotillion aren't really that big of a deal. But her violin teacher is a real slave driver. He pushes her hard. In many ways I wonder if it's too much. She seems to love it. We keep asking her if this is what she really wants. We even told her it's ok if she wants to do something else. No she says. She likes it.

Then last night she said something that reminded me of how brilliant her little brain is. I mean all parents are proud of their kid and believe their kid is the brightest and best. But I think this deserves serious consideration as truly brilliant. Last night the family was talking and cutting up. Much laughter. Somehow the Cat came up. C started chasing him around trying to pick him up. I can't seem to get through to her (one not brilliant thing) that animals and especially cats are not stuffed animals. They like attention... to a point. She finally bribed the cat out with a treat. Then picked him up, plopped on the couch and put him in a bear hug (not really but she held him tight). The cat is VERY patient with her. Way more than I would be. He tolerated it. But I had to step in after a minute and say "let the cat go... they don't like being held for a long time like that". Then I said, "you have to use reverse psychology on a cat. That is to say, when you want to hold them, you ignore them. That drives them nuts and they come to you to sit in your lap". She replied "It's like Rumpleteazer"... stunned silence from both Mrs and me. Then she said "Wait.. not Rumpleteazer... it's an R cat". Then she ran into her play room and got Old Possum's Book of Cats (freakin TS Elliot). "Rumtum Tugger". Then she read us the poem.

C is 10. TEN! Busting out TS Elliot references at TEN! Brilliant.

It's moments like those that make me feel REALLY good about spoiling her rotten. She's going to have a good Christmas! :)

And with that, I'm done rambling.

If I don't post again, Have a VERY Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

and then my nipples fell off...

my angst has not subsided. Work, Sandy, general malaise.. but fuck it, let's not dwell right this moment.

I spent last week up in the WAY north of Wisconsin for training. Boss, female coworker formally dubbed PP in the distant archive, and myself all traveling together for almost a week.

I left Monday right before lunch. On the way to the airport, nay, as I was trying to get into the long term parking lot, I got a phone call from my bank. Evidently, my debit card was used to purchase $600 of photos. So card cancelled as I'm leaving town. Awesome number 1 moment. Fortunately I have a credit card to get me through the trip.

I guess you can't get to Madison from anywhere directly. We had a 3 hour layover in Chicago for a 20 minute flight to Madison. On the plane, PP sat behind me, Boss across the aisle, and a very attractive young woman was next to me in the window.

The plane taxied. We're a pretty chatty bunch so we're talking and joking it up. The girl next to me asked "So what are you going to Madison for?". I told her we were there to train on a system our company is installing. She said is it "Fantastic System?" It was in fact. She said "So am I". Then another guy behind us, evidently eavesdropping (fucker) chimed in "me too". I guess the whole short bus.. er.. plane was full of people going to training at "Fantastic System".

Let me interject about the short plane... it WAS in fact the airline equivalent of the short bus. We weren't on one of the prop planes. But barely a step up from that. I like the concept of the "express" flights now. But damn they are cramped ass planes.

Anyway, back to the girl. She introduced herself as Brandi. We started chit chatting about our roles with the software and comparing notes. As the plane was on approach (let's face it, it was on final the moment the wheels came off the ground), she asked what hotel we are staying at.

Let me give a quick background about "Fantastic System", these guys decided they wanted to break the mold when it came to their campus. They bought 500-1000 acres of farm land and plopped down this super, high tech, ultra-modern campus complete with a massive training facility. To give you an idea of the size, just the training building is the size of a convention center. In fact, it has a 8,000 seat auditorium attached to it. It is also literally in the middle of nowhere. The view out our windows is of cows, and barns. There are only 2 maybe 3 hotels in this part of the Madison area and they pretty much keep them full day in and day out with people coming for training like myself.

So there was a 50/50 chance Brandi was staying at the same hotel as us. And of course she was or this wouldn't make much of a story.. or more of a story.

Our group was debating whether or not our travel person made shuttle arrangements from the airport to the hotel. Brandi chimed in "I have a shuttle, you can share with me if you want"

As it turns out, we were ALL set to be on the shuttle. We piled in. The trip to the hotel took 20 minutes. We were cutting up having a ball. Brandi asked if we had dinner plans.

The hotel has a Happy Hour for priority club members with free beer and wine for a couple of hours. The shuttle was arriving right in the middle of happy hour. We told Brandi "first, we're headed to the bar for many free beers. But then we don't have any plans but want to eat somewhere". She asked if she could hang out with us. This is going to be a pattern btw. We seem to collect stragglers. Who are we to argue??

Got to my room. Had a decent suite on the executive floor. Came back down. Boss was already hitting the beer. I grabbed mine. Then Brandi came up. We were knocking them back and chatting.. knocking more back.. chatting more.. I noticed Brandi didn't have a drink. I offered to get her one. She said "I'll just have water. I don't really drink". Hmm.. so all we talked about on the plane and shuttle was hitting the happy hour. You opted to hang with us but you don't drink... mkay whatever.

We made arrangements to get transportation to a bar and grill right around the corner (hey it was 20 fucking degrees and this southern boy was cold). PP had sort of disappeared when we got to the hotel. Turns out, she got airsick and was trying to recover. So Brandi, Boss, and I piled into a shuttle for the 2 minute drive to the bar and grill.

At this point we started to get a weird vibe off of Brandi. I guess she was cool hanging out with the guys as long as PP was around, but suddenly she was out, in a strange town, with 2 strange guys she just met. I think she started getting paranoid.

Dinner was cool. She was sitting next to me in a booth. I noticed she was constantly watching her phone. It took me a few minutes to figure out what she was doing. She was looking at pictures of her 1 yr old girl. As the night went on, we started to realize this was her first time away from home... ever. And certainly her first time ever leaving her baby.

We went back to the hotel at something like 8:30. As we were walking in Brandi said "Nice meeting you" and walked off. Which told me that's the last time we were going to see her.

The next morning I had an "incident" with my toilet. It overflowed and wouldn't quit running. I complained to the manager who promised to fix it (heh).

The entire hotel met in the lobby to catch shuttle buses out to "Fantastic System" for training. No Brandi.

Classes were boring as hell. The part we're doing is unbelievably complicated and cryptic. We finished up around 4:30 and started piling back into shuttle buses to take us back to the hotel. Guess who sat down next to us? Brandi. I guess we missed the mark on that one.

Of course we were back in time for happy hour. We made arrangements to go to dinner. While drinking beer and chatting, this guys started talking to us. Or rather, he just kind of joined our conversation. Turns out he was probably one of 3 people in the entire hotel NOT going to "Fantastic System" for training. Paul, was from Milwaukee and was taking a class on some design software.

We were about to go to dinner when Paul asked if he could tag along. Straggler number 2. Again, who are we to argue. This time it was Boss, PP, Paul, and myself.

Nothing really exciting happened at dinner. We were all tired and our brains were hurting from class so our group decided to call it a night. This was the point in the trip where things started to turn south travel wise for me. I got back to my room. Went to the bathroom. Flushed and immediately it overflowed and wouldn't quit running. Long story short, I got downgraded to a crappy ass queen room RIGHT on the pool.

The next morning we all did the bus shuffle thing again. Our bus had Brandi and a bunch of people from her company who met her. We were all chatting when we hear from the front of the bus "yeah that guy Paul was out of control!!". Our heads popped around. "Paul?? You guys know Paul?? We went to dinner with Paul". Laughter from behind us now. "Oh yeah THAT guy Paul! Bwahahaaaa"

As we were getting off the bus Brandi leaned over and said to us "yeah there's a story with Paul but I'll have to tell you later".

That night we were back at happy hour (are you seeing a trend here??). Brandi came walking up with a friend, Carmen. (straggler number 3). We talked. They didn't have dinner plans. We already had a shuttle coming for us. Easy enough to add them.

While we were waiting, Brandi told us what went on. Evidently, when the rest of us went back to our rooms after dinner, Paul went to the bar, found a group of people (Brandi's group) and said "You guys look like fun. Can I hang with you?" Alcohol flowed. People got drunk. Paul evidently leaned back in a chair, broke it, while falling kicked a glass coffee table and shattered it. Management got involved. THEN.. according to Brandi, something happened with him and another girl in their group.

While she was telling us this, guess who walked up. Paul. He wanted to tag along for dinner. This was getting good so of course we said sure.

At dinner we had beer.. chatted. more beer.. more chatting. Finally, the story came up. Of course, us guys had to dig at him a bit. "Come on.. something happened.. who was she". Paul: "no no.. nothing happened.. just broke a chair".. us: "Come on man there was a whole bus talking this morning.. something happened".. Paul: "no no.. I mean we just made out a bit" us: "WHOAA.. first nothing, now making out.. come on.. you're a horrible poker player.. what happened!" Paul: "no.. really it was nothing.. we just went back to her room and made out a little".. us: "WAIT WAIT.. NOW you tell us you went back to her room and NOTHING more than a little making out??? Bullshit!!" Paul: "No.. really we just made out then she said I should leave". At this point he was looking everywhere but at us. I'm a horrible poker player but I would LOVE to play this guy. The WORST liar ever. We kept after him. Finally he said "no really.. nothing much.. I mean.. is it cheating if.. have you ever done.." he paused "have you ever done the wieners and boobs?"

We fell out laughing. I mean who calls it wieners and boobs. And of course if you have to ask "is it cheating if"... you KNOW the damned answer.

Not long after the girls got up to go to the bathroom. Paul leaned over and said "Do you really want to know the whole story. Basically I'm taking avacor for hair loss. I found out, last night, one of the side effects is you can't get it up. So there... I couldn't get it up. Nothing happened beyond fooling around". Stunned silence. I mean, I don't know of many guys who would tell that to complete strangers.

Nothing else much happened at dinner except we met Gracie (straggler number.. ah hell I lost count now). On the way back to the hotel we were talking about THE girl, Cindy. The driver heard us talking and shouted "Cindy?? That girls fucking crazy. Man she said she wanted a pizza. I told her I could get her one. She said if I did she would give me the best blow job!! So I ran out and got her a damned pizza!!! Didn't have time to get the blow job but I'm checking her out tonight!!"

We were dying laughing now because poor Paul was just shrinking lower and lower in his seat.

We got back to the hotel. As soon as we walked in the door we saw Brandi's other group of people including THE girl. Of course we had to check this whole situation out.

We were standing around chatting. The only seat available was on the hearth of the fireplace next to Cindy. I plopped my troublemaking ass down right next to her. Paul sat in a chair opposite me.

The whole group talked. Joked etc. The more we talked, the more Cindy turned towards me and away from Paul. Then the touching started. She would pat my knee. Touch my thigh. Laugh and swat my arm. Paul got quieter and quieter. She clearly wanted nothing to do with him.

Eventually a few people in that group turned the conversation in a bad direction. Racist jokes. Talking about people bringing dead babies to the hospital. People started leaving the group. Including Cindy. Not 10 seconds after she left, Paul jumped up and bolted.

Sadly, that's the last I heard of the Paul story. I would LOVE to know if he went to her room and what happened.

The next day people started flying out. We were stuck there until Saturday morning.

Brandi left. I didn't even know her last name or how to contact her so I don't really have any way of finding out either.

My trip back sucked. First, our flight was at 6:30am. Which meant we had to leave the hotel no later than 5am.. meaning waking up at 4:30am. We went to bed early Fri night. But, because I got downgraded to a shitty room by the pool, all I heard was kids running up and down the hall until midnight. Then I couldn't sleep. I thought about how things have gone with Sandy over the last couple of weeks. Something is different. Probably for the better. But something has changed.

I watched the clock go from 12:30 to 1, to 2:30, to 3:15, to 4am. Finally I said fuck it and got up.

We got to the airport with only about 45 minutes to go to our flight. The cab driver stopped to get someone else on the way who wasn't ready and added 10 minutes.

I rushed to the counter to get my bag checked. A guy came over and said "6:25 flight to Chicago?? Yeah it got cancelled" Fuuuuuuuuuck.

30 Minutes later they had our next flights sorted out. I was supposed to get home at noon. 3 flights, many hours of waiting later I got home at 6pm. 6 fucking hours late on no sleep.

And oh yeah.. when we left... 3 degrees.. THREE..

Dark Side

I should probably just shut up and go to a corner for a while.

I'm in a serious funk. I would say it has been due to recent interactions with Sandy. But that's only part of it. Perhaps contributing to the depths to which I'm sinking. But really it's only part.

We spent Thanksgiving with my Mom. I was on the edge of foul the entire time. I couldn't stand being there. I wanted to be home.. or rather in my city, with Sandy. There were days where we didn't talk or txt. Those were the worst. Then we'd talk and I would be in a much better mood for a bit.

My sister and I got into it at one point. Alcohol, wrong thing said at the wrong time, drama queen. Yeah it was a moment.

We came back on Saturday just in time to watch my team get decimated. The next day I had to run some errands. I used the time as an excuse to see Sandy. We went to lunch. Then back to her place. Nothing really happened. I couldn't stay too long and she had plans with her family too. We hugged. Brief kiss. Then I left.

She is out of town for the week at a shooting event. We talked a couple of times before she left but she was busy getting ready and I have a ton of work stuff.

The stuff we ordered from the week before came in. She had them at her house. Since I am going out of town next Mon and she gets back next monday, there isn't really a chance for our paths to cross. So she offered for me to use her spare key to get them from her house. Ok, so I'm sort of getting a key to her house. Interesting.

I couldn't make it over until Wed night. Between the time she left and Wed. night, her niece went over to her house for something and took the key. So now I couldn't get in to get my stuff. We had some calls/texts etc. to figure it out. I was going to meet her niece there and pick up the stuff.

Hmm.. so now I won't be alone in her house. Is it trust? Or circumstances? Not a problem though. Wasn't planning anything untowards.

The niece was 30 minutes late. I was about to give up. While waiting I had a thought about this whole rifle thing. The one with the promised blow job. I have some of the parts she needs now. I thought, I can pick up what she has. Put the parts on it for her while she's gone.

So the niece got there, I walked in, grabbed the clothes we ordered, then looked at the box where all of her parts had been. Gone. Empty. Except for some miscellaneous stuff. Which means she took it all with her to her event. So what the fuck does that mean?

I've been thinking about this over and over. I just don't know. I think she likes the notion of me. But deep down she doesn't want to commit to anyone. Last week, she posted one of those viral pictures on her FB wall. It said something to the effect of "when you really matter to someone, they will always make time. No excuses. No lies. No broken promises". Obviously it's a passive aggressive message to someone. It was conveniently posted while I was at my Moms. But I don't really think it was for me. Her ex-BF "liked" the post.

Which got me to thinking more. Am I reading her whole situation wrong. I was always believing she wanted him to commit and propose to her, but he wouldn't. So she gave up. But really, was he experiencing the same thing as me? Always having to "step to her" instead of her ever stepping to him? Always demanding things but never offering? Is that the reason he never proposed? Because he felt she was unapproachable? Obviously they were dating so she was approachable to a point. But what I mean is, she put him off about their relationship the same way she pushes me away with even simple things?

So I'm pulling myself back. I don't know if I can be successful. But I'll try.

This is just part of my angst. I still loathe being at home. And I have NO reason to. Mrs is sweet. Attentive. Perfect in every way except I just don't want to be there.

Even more than that. I don't want to be any where. When I come to work all I can see is negative. I'm in a job that I settled for after the job from hell fell through. I don't feel like I really have respect. When I go to work out, I exercise. I go through the motions. I even hit it like my life depends on it. But there is a social aspect there. And I really feel like I'm outside of it. I can't describe it. But I have the sense of tolerance and not acceptance.

Even when shooting, I just feel like I'm on edge.. or people are on edge around me. I just feel out of place EVERY where.