I'm a chick evidently

I was perfectly happy being acquaintances. Friends even. But we did this whole dance around being together. It was a repeat of history. You pushed buttons. I responded. Then you pulled back and started asking questions. The exact same questions you asked before. Then, on one hand you pulled me in and on another you pushed me away. And now lately, there's a wall up. You don't let me in.

All I ever asked was for you to be honest with me and tell me what's going on. Instead, you feed me bullshit, half truths, and push me away. When I try to ask, you tell me "quit being a girl".

I can't help my feelings. I fell for you a long time ago. My heart aches when we're not together. But it breaks when you put up the wall and shut me out.

I'm deeply hurt that we did this dance again, and again you don't have the big girl panties to talk to me.

I don't want to walk away like I did 2 years ago. But I have to get this out so we can move on.

Is what I really want to say. What I want.. need to hear is "I don't feel the same way" or "I'm seeing someone now" or "I'm back with boyfriend". What I will get is either a bunch of bullshit meaning nothing. Non committal "safe" statements like "I'm attracted but..." Words with no substance. Or worse, nothing at all. Pretending nothing ever happened. Or nothing was said. Which is probably the most hurtful of all. Because my brain tells me it will never be. But as long as she won't say it, my heart fights to hold on.

It's funny.. because it's true

Yup....

Change

I'm feeling a change coming. I quit blogging for a few years because all I wanted to write were entries like my last post. I had this idea that I needed to get rid of all negativity. Of course that's impossible to do. But at the time I felt blogging was allowing it to backflow so to speak. While therapeutic, also empowering and giving weight to the negativity itself.

I dunno, something is off. Ever feel like you're invisible? It seems like the only visibility I have is negative visibility. For example, people started asking about lunch Friday. These are people I've gone with before. I chimed in and said I was interested. Crickets. Then the guy who brought it up said he couldn't go. So I said I'm going to restaurant X at noon if anyone is interested. Crickets. After I got back, the OP chimed in and said he was going to the same fuckin place. Then 3-4 people suddenly were going. It's like tap tap tap is this thing on??

I'm on a huge project at work. Highly visible. Lots of pressure. I'm getting my shit done. But, there is serious lack of communication from the PM team. We're constantly getting "We need this major thing done by tomorrow". So we scramble to get it done. Then the next day we get from a completely different group "why the fuck did you do this? You need to let people know when you just decide to make changes like that". I'm invisible until someone else perceives I've fucked up.

I feel like I'm the guy who people talk over. No one takes seriously. I always do what I say and mean what I say. But people always treat me and look at me like I'm full of shit when I say something. I'm always the "other" guy. Like with Sandy. I'm the safe backup guy. Toy with me until something better comes along. Or to boost her ego because she knows I'm like a dog. Kick me. But I still come back for more.

I must be transmitting serious negativity. Maybe that's the whole issue. I was getting my hair cut Friday. It's usually my favorite thing. She's cute. She spends a LOT of time massaging my scalp. We always have really interesting conversations. She asked me "Are you in a little bit of a funk?" Shit I guess. It must be written all over my face, my words. I have to do something.

First step? Social media. I find myself constantly checking Facebook. I tell myself I'm fascinated by what my friends are up to. I think deep down I want to see people interact with me. And when they don't, I'm disappointed. Like having a rough tag in your shirt. Tiny itch/scratch here. There. Over and over. Until you can't wait to rip it off and cut it out. Making it worse is I constantly look for Sandy to write something. She has been out of town at a big shooting event. No contact. No calls. No emails. So I'm watching FB constantly for snippets from her. I mean really? This is not good.

I joined twitter to have some pervy interaction with people. It was cool for a while. But more and more I find myself in the same situation. I can't really chat much because I'm slammed at work. It takes all of my effort to keep myself focused on the tasks I'm paid to do. Much less chit chat. As such my interactions have fallen to next to nothing. And when I do have time, it's like crickets. Same deal.

Why do I feel the need to have the pervy interactions in the first place? I've said it all along, from the beginning of this blog. There's a hole in my marriage. I tried and wanted to fill it with meaningless sex. Unsuccessfully. I don't think I can say I have had one encounter as direct result of this blog (or twitter). Retelling sex with Mrs was hot at first. But quickly I got as bored with it as I am with the marriage in the first place. I guess I had it in my head if I could at least have distraction and some fun along the way, maybe I could manage the other aspects of my marriage. I do love Mrs. But just not in the way she loves me. Every time she kisses me and says I love you, that tag scratches my neck. I guess I wanted to feel something.

OR.. I wanted someone to want me. Mrs wanting me isn't enough. I need to feel attractive. I need to feel visible. I think really that's the root of it all. I want someone else to see me.

I have to ask myself, have I enriched anyone's life via Social Media? Has my life been enriched? Or is it more negativity I need to cut? IF I cut it, am I just running away from root issues?

Letting Go

Not easy to do. I know I need to. I thought things were different this time. After spending 2 years not talking I thought we would move forward. Be adults. TALK.

What pisses me off is, I really didn't try to go down this road. She full court pressed right up until it was time to actually do something. Then the same old questions... the same lines.. the same shutting down.. pretending nothing happened. I have actually been witness to similar treatment of others. The other guy is admittedly a douchebag. But her way of dealing with him is to just ignore him. Don't respond to txts. Don't answer the phone. She said to me "I wish he would get the hint". OR... YOU could just fucking spell it out for him... and me.

It's not easy. I was miserable for 2 years not talking. Hopefully I can find some middle ground.

The thing I have learned from this go round, which I'm sure has been obvious to everyone else, is I'm desperate for the idea. The reality not so much. The entire life of this blog I've talked about how I'm sucking it up for the family. I can't help how I feel about Mrs. She deserves someone who feels the same. But every time she expresses love, I'm cringing on the inside.

So here comes someone I'm attracted to. I think I have strong feelings. I'm actually contemplating leaving Mrs. The shine goes off that rock and I come to my senses. But am I just this desperate for ANY kind of feelings on my side that this is what happens?

Hmmph.. er.. well.. uhhhh

I really wish I had something interesting to say.

Oooh ok I thought of something. Quick background. I shot a match saturday. I royally fooked my knee up. I'm hitting the age where everything hurts, pops, creaks. I didn't give the little "snick" I heard in my knee a second thought. It didn't hurt. I was in the middle of shooting and my focus was elsewhere so maybe it did. I didn't think much of it. Then a few minutes later I started thinking maybe I tweaked it. Then 20 minutes later I knew I tweaked it. Another 20 minutes and I was thinking ok this thing is getting pretty annoying. By the time I left I could barely walk on it. It's been very painful ever since.

I work in the middle of a small city. Parking, being what it is, can be a challenge. It took me 10 years to finally park on this side of a major throughway. I still park anywhere from 1/4-1/3 of a mile away from my actual office depending on where I end up in the garage. Yesterday, I was about as far away as you could get in my garage. 1/2 way to my office from my car and I could barely walk. Unfortunately, I had to make the trek again midway through the afternoon to pick C up. THEN back to the office with C while waiting for her violin lesson. Finally BACK again to leave for violin. All of the trips took a serious toll yesterday. I spent last night in bed with my knee up on a few pillows grinding my teeth, popping advil, wine, and eventually lortab.

Mrs came into the room right around 1/2 time of the big game. She took one look at me, chuckled, then actually gave me a "tsk tsk", walked over, threw the covers back, ripped my shorts open and took me in her mouth. Once sufficiently hard, she climbed on. Which was perfectly fine with me. Leg up, cock up, Mrs up. Perfect.

Somewhere back in the archives I've talked about this but I guess a refresher would be easier than trying to find the post. I have mixed emotions about this position. On one hand, it's my go-to fuck like a porn star position because I can go and go until Mrs cums and cums. On the other hand, I can't. Don't get me wrong, it's hot and all. I just don't finish.

So after a few minutes, Mrs came a couple of times, I was ready. And thus the comedy began. First, I tried my patented leg sweep into missionary without slipping out. Yeah.. leg sweep.. FUUUCK that hurt. Ok so we rolled gently while I grimaced and tried not to groan (not in a good way). Ok mission accomplished (heh.. pun). Except my knee couldn't deal with the pressure of the angle. So after just a few seconds I rolled her over to try from behind.

If I thought the angle was fucked up before it was REALLY fucked up now. My knee just doesn't want to bend. But I was in danger of getting too distracted by the discomfort. I didn't dare stop. We ended up in a bad place on the bed sooo.. Mrs was kind of bumping the headboard. But SHE didn't dare say anything.

I'm sure some where there has to be a celestial blooper reel and for damn sure this is on it.

Completely switching gears...

I found a new love of my life. A singer named Kimbra. She's from New Zealand. Unfortunately, you can't get much of her music in the states. But damned she's a cutie. And talented too.

ramble off...

New Year

Hmm...

Resolutions... resolutions.. no clue.

I know 2012 could not get here fast enough. 2011 was without a doubt, one seriously fucked up year. Death depression anger. Yeah.. so fucking long 2011.

We did start 2012 off right though. A good friend was in town. He is currently serving the country overseas. He was in a pretty hot zone until our recent withdrawal. While gone from that area, his unit is still in the bordering country for the remainder of their tour.

He and his family came over. It was nice. Low key. They bought fireworks. It's funny, the last time I had fireworks at the house C ran for cover and watched from the safety of indoors. This time the girls were running in the streets lighting them themselves. We had a couple of really good one that made a nice whoomp when they went off. Midnight came and went. Quick kiss to Mrs and C. And that was it.

I guess really I need to tackle this whole anger thing for the new year. I probably know the root cause and am unwilling to admit it. I'm going to save it for another post though.

In the meantime, Happy New Year!!