Merry Christmas

Last year I wrote for my New Year's Resolution was to post again a year later (paraphrasing).

There was much more to that post than for me to continue blogging. I was in a very, very dark place at the time. I left home. Had a horrible experience with my roommates. Moved again. Started seeing a counselor, who also sent me to a psychiatrist. This time last year I was feeling as if I were watching a bad movie a couldn't look away. Bad choices. Bad feelings. Bad influences.

Moving out put a tremendous strain on me financially. Seeing not 1 but 2 doctors was costing me almost $1k a month. My credit card debt was out of control. My depression was so intense. When I wrote my resolution, it was simply to make it through the year. At that time, I had daily thoughts of taking my life.

This is the first time I have ever voiced those thoughts anywhere. Not even to the Dr's. I knew it wasn't rational. I knew it was the depression taking over. It wasn't "real". My brain knew it was a selfish and cheap way out. I knew I couldn't make that my legacy to C. But there were hours and hours in the day I thought about it.

Making things worse, I had immersed my self in competing in my super aggressive game of shooting. Every day the implements of my own demise were not only in my hands, but I was surrounded by them. My culture was not only proficiency with firearms, but excellence. In a weird, bizarre fantasy I saw myself ending my own life with aggression and accuracy. For me, that pathway was unbelievably easy.

I'm still shooting but I have switched my focus more towards teaching and less competing. I know based on the previous paragraph it seems a little insane for me to continue. But the demon is me, not the tool(s). For example, you can lock yourself in a garage with a hose and your car, but you don't and you still drive.

But here I am. It isn't the new year yet so I guess technically I'm cheating. But after 6 months of separation and counseling, I moved back home. My Dr's got me on medication and we worked through a lot of issues. I cut a lot of bad, or rather bad for me, things out of my life. I really feel the medication helped turn things around. I tried different medications in the past. But my Doctor wasn't a psychiatrist. I kind of felt like he was just throwing things at me to try without any real method. I spent a lot of time with my psychiatrist going over the symptoms and talking through things. We discussed what was happening and how the medication would affect me.

I'm not totally happy. But for once I feel like all of my parts are working towards a better me. Not mind and soul in constant conflict. Understanding my feelings and my heart and accepting the things I can't change and quieting the anger.

I guess for me, this post is a big middle finger to my demons and depression. Fuck you, I'm still here.