History Repeating

This post got long. I realized I hadn't really updated on pretty much anything of substance. The more I talked the more subjects I went off on the longer this post got. Be forewarned. I should probably break it up.. but NAHH I'm too lazy for that!!

I'm sure I'm not alone in experiencing the "Facebook Effect". Reconnecting with people you barely spoke with 15-20 years ago on Facebook like you're long lost BFFs. I have to admit, I'm both repulsed and fascinated at the same time. I see people who barely said 3 words to me, or worse, were THOSE people who were too cool for you on Facebook. A small part of me hopes they "friend" me so that I can see how pitiful their life is and be "above" it all and smug in my happy little successful enough little world.

I have been fascinated with one friend in particular. I knew him. We were cordial. For some reason, his Mom had it in her head we were best friends even though I only passed the guy in the hallway. I guess she knew my Mom and via some crazy association that made us best friends in her mind. As typical of kids in High School, a pecking order must be established and I always saw him as "under" me. Whether it's true or not is irrelevant. I never actually snubbed him or passed down the bullshit that started as a pebble at the top of the pecking order and grew to boulder size by the time it reached my layer. It was more of an impression. Internal sizing up if you will.

When I finally saw his profile pop up on Facebook as a member of my Class of XX, those old feelings crept to the surface and I thought to myself "dweeb". He asked to be my friend and I accepted. As I read his profile it really dawned on me how much we were alike. I started thinking "wow you could've written MY profile". I have to say I am somewhat fascinated by that.

I have already mentioned this, but I will also admit to trolling Facebook out of morbid curiousity for those who I've wronged. Mostly women. Or girls really. I saw one a few years behind me and cringed. Really there aren't that many. But more than one.

Finally, I troll the profiles looking for past loves. They probably would cringe to see me on-line and think "Oh shit not him.. PLEASE don't friend me.. .PLEASE don't friend me". Deep down a part of me wonders what it would be like to kiss and touch them now. Would it feel different? Or suprisingly the same? For the most part, I just wonder how they have fared in life. Are they happy? Would I have been happy had things continued?

I imagine a stunning array of emotions if I ever do see their profile(s) pop up.

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I haven't really had the words for all of the events of this past week. Nothing super dramatic. But confusing to me nonetheless.

First, our TV died. Which is a trauma in and of itself both emotionally (I loved the little guy.. sniff) and financially. I comtemplated all of my options and remembered, right before she blew me off, Sandy asked me if I knew anyone who wanted to buy a TV. I wrestled with it in my mind. In this post, I had said "fuck em" to all the wimens in my life. Especially Sandy. Since then, I had very meticulously avoided her. I didn't call her. I avoided her calls for several days. Finally one day she called. I answered. She said "I'm gonna put my foot up your ass". I blew her off and got off the phone. A couple of days later she called again. Again, I blew her off and got off the phone. So here I was with a dead TV, her with one I could pick up cheap... Sigh I'm such a whore. I called her. I went to pick up the TV. It was going to be a quick visit because she was going to see her Mom (the one who had a stroke). She offered me a quick drink. I accepted. We chatted. Another drink. I hadn't eaten so I got buzzed pretty quick. We wrestled the TV into my truck. It was time for her to go and me as well. I gave her a hug. And here, is where the alcohol fucked me up. I held her for just a second as she was pulling away and said "Hey... I missed you". WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?! Her answer: "Thank you"... What the fuck was THAT??? We grabbed our coats and headed for the door. She asked "So is that why you wouldn't talk to me".. I chuckled and started to answer. Quickly she cut in and said "nevermind you don't have to answer that"... I said "You really don't want to go there" and we left it at that. So now we're talking. Way less than before. But we're talking.

Wed night was weird. On one hand it looks like BK is breaking up with her BF. YES!! Haha! I'm such a whore. Anyway a lot of it went down Wed night. She and I were talking. He walked over grabbed her keys and walked out. I got a txt from her today saying she fucked her car up that night. Piecing it together, it sounds like they fought in the car, she pulled over and kicked him out. She was so upset she was crying and couldn't see (I can attest she hadn't been drinking) and ran her car into a curb seriously fucking up her rims. THEN she drove on them. Supposedly he is coming over today to get his stuff. We all know how the "break up" can go. Baby I'm sorry. One more time for old times... Then they don't break up. But we'll see.

Anyway on one hand I'm sad. As much as I'd love to hook up with her, it'd just be that. A hook up. I sincerely hoped this would be her ticket to happiness but.. not so much. On the other hand... WOOHOO!! But that's my inner pig oinking!

Coincedentally I had an awesome dream about BK Tues night before all this went down. But this is long winded enough. I'll save it.

I finally put my foot down to the ex-Chester girls Wed night too. Tina came walking over. As I had mentioned in the post I referenced above, she was pulling this "put me in the middle" shit JUST like Taylor did with Chester. She had sent me a TXT asking what Chester and I said about her. I pretty much ignored her. So she sat down and the first thing out of her mouth was "What did you two say about me?" What are we in fucking High School again??! So I said "Are you serious? You've been fretting over THIS for over a week?!! Look, I'll answer your question. Then I'm going to say something and I hope it doesn't piss you off". So I told her what Chester and I talked about. Evidently it's not what he said. Whatever... not the first time he's told people bogus stuff that I supposedly said. Then I told her "I am not the house for wayward Chester girls anymore. For whatever reason, you all seem to gravitate to me and stick me in the middle of whatever is going on. You aren't the first". And I named names. I went on "I certainly hope you're the last. But don't come to me for a sympathetic ear, or he said she said, or whatever. If you want to hang out and have a good time then fine. But I'm sick of Chester's castoffs coming to me with this shit". And she stormed off. Good fucking riddance.

HNT - The Red Planet

I worked out before pool yesterday. Part of my warmup is "supermans". You lie on your stomach, extend your arms like your flying. The you arch your back, lift your knees and arms, and squeeze your butt and lower back for just a second. I'm not sure the picture does it justice, but my stomach was a fiery red from the carpet after.

"Them Temps" and TMI of a Different Kind

"Them temps".. heh.. I re-read my last post and noticed this typo. Now I am in fact a redneck. Born and raised in the south. I'm sure I have a fair amount of southern vernacular in my writing I never notice. But I can honestly say, as a general rule I never start a sentence with "them". I.e. "Them dawgs git in mah traish wUUNN mower taahm!!!" Clearly proofreading isn't my strongsuit.

Ms. Amorous Rocker tagged me with a little meme of sorts. The rules are simple...

List 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep! Then tag 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap. Simple. Or not.



Hmmm... 10 honest things.. This could take a while... Ok.

1. I obsess over things. Then, like the Laroche character in "Adaptation", I'm done with X. A few years ago I took up sailing. Never sailed a boat in my life. Just decided to learn to sail. Some guys in the office talked me into buying a small racing boat. Then it was all-racing all the time. I read magazine after magazine and book after book. I took the boat out and just.. did it. Then I skipped a race... then another.. and I never took the boat out again. I was done with racing. I'm afraid one day I'll be "done" with shooting too. I love it. It's my favorite thing to do with clothes on. Maybe one day the allure will just be.. gone.

2. Depression stalks me. I can feel it behind my eyes sometimes.

3. I sing quit frequently in the car (yes I'm that idiot you see belting out a song on the road). I can sing. I have even traded duties as singer in my old band with another guy. I'm horribly self-conscious about it and will only do it alone now.

4. I hate hate HATE bullshitters and have little to no tolerance for them.

5. I sometimes love solitude. I used to go fishing or ride my motorcycle just to have an excuse to be by myself.

6. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

7. The tendons in my right thumb and forefinger are connected so that I can't bend my thumb without bending my finger.

8. I have never been able to own a watch or umbrella for more than a month without it breaking.

9. I fequently feel invisible.

10. I can not stand it when I am unable to do something. I.e. pullups. I attack it ferociously until I can.

I always hate tagging people so if your interest is piqued feel free to consider yourself tagged.

Last Day

Early last week I missed a call from Sandy. I had been hesitant to call her back because she was usually in the hospital with her Mom. There's the whole cell phone taboo thing there. I hadn't talked to her in a day or two so I decided to chance it. Of course she was in the hospital. We laughed about my timing. Then she said "My Mom wants to tell you something". I have met her Mom maybe twice. Both times we were dropping her cat off on the way to some match. I said "Hi. Nice to meet you. Shake her hand". That's it. I was a little taken back. She got on the phone "Hey BOY!!"... I though oh shit she's gonna go off on me. Then she said "They shaved my bottom"... I was starting to cry a little on the inside. "Do you know why?!"... my mind was racing.. it's the stroke talking.. she doesn't know who I am... I eeked out "no ma'am"... she said "cause there's gonna be NO MORE BUSH!!!"... I was in such shock it took me a minute to get it. The sad thing, is not a week before while my family was visiting, I had to run up to the office. You have to pass by the guest bathroom to get there. As I walked by the door to the bathroom was open and.. gulp.. there stood my Mom.. gulp... NAKED!!! Not a good couple of weeks for me on that front.

Ya know on one hand I'm terrified of the new administration. I read between the lines on things he has carefully worded and not said about some of the issues I care about and I'm cringing. On the other hand, I put my trust in Bush the last election and as I said then, I voted against Kerry as much as for Bush. Then he walked away touting his family values and christian beliefs as affirmation of his victory. I screamed "NOOOOOooooo you idiot we hated Kerry more!!!". He proceeded to alienate me further by ignoring the on-coming recession. One could argue whether he really had any influence over it. Americans don't want to hear it's their own fault. They want someone to blame. And as such he should've spoken up earlier and at least acknowledged the looming crisis. I could go on and on about his shortcomings and my disappointment. I still voted for my party as the lesser of 2 evils and clearly the country has had enough of W and anyone remotely associated with him. More than anything else, I'm glad the damned thing will be over tomorrow. W is gone. Obama is here. Let's get on with it. Fuck it up. Make it right. Whatever, let's just do it already cause tomorrow is the last day. There's gonna be NO MORE BUSH for better or for worse.

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My weekend had some ups and downs. Friday, Sandy called me. She had talked about staying here instead of going to the convention. She acted like nothing happened Thurs. As if she never stood me up for lunch. I asked her where she was. She said "Georgia on my way to the convention". I said "All right I have to run. Have a good time" and hung up. Last time I spoke with her. She called yesterday but I ignored her.

BK texted me Friday. She said she was "sick" and needed to reschedule for today (monday). I just shot back a "don't sweat it". Never heard another peep. I was feeling a little guilty about being curt with her. So I shot her another one later and said "I forgot to say the other night... if you ever need to talk, you know where I am". No response. So I guess that's that.

Aight that's the bad shit. Saturday I travelled to mid-state city to shoot in a match. Them temps were in the teens. Everyone from here chickened out. Only a handful of people showed up. As such we all shot together (usually they split people up into 3 or 4 groups depending on how many show up). It was an absolute hoot. No Sandy for drama or distraction. It was the first time I shot with a couple of the people. I knew them and we talked a lot but never managed to shoot together. What a blast. Good ol' boys talkin shit and throwin lead. I think I may have won one division and possibly another. Honestly, I don't care. It was that much fun.

The weather was pretty shitty here all day yesterday. I took the day to do some laundry and do a lazy workout. I'm finally starting to get over being sore. The first couple of workouts were ass-kickers. I couldn't straigthen my arms (literally). Things are starting to get back to the way they were when I was in karate. I have a long way to go to meet my goals. Maybe it's all in my head, but I swear I feel like my gut has shrunk in the week or so I've been doing this. We'll see.

Call Me Done - And a Video

Do I know how to party or WHAT!! Tonight Mrs had a bunch of the gals over. C and I were banished to "anywhere but here". Once I got her in bed I found myself doing all the things I do to get ready for a small match coming up this weekend. Namely make ammo. Average Chick is astounded I make each bullet. So here ya go... the price to play:





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Wed. night was the 2nd week in this pool season. I have to say I came away pretty disgusted with the state of things. Our team had a bye. It is early enough in the session that the schedule is too much in flux with teams joining or dropping out for the league office to print a schedule for us. So for the next week or two we just show up and play whoever they have for us. In this case it was a bye. We didn't know about it until we got there.

I hung out for a bit, ate some food. Chit chatted with some players. BK showed up with her BF in tow. We said a brief "hi". She pressured me to schedule a massage with her. Call me crazy, but a massage from her, with her new BF all but living with her, in HER apartment where I get the massages.. just seems like it has the makings of a bad thing. I've been reluctant. But as I'm doing this new work out and am sore as HELL.. I agreed.

My phone rang shortly after the conversation. It was Sandy. Her Mom was moved to a rehab facility. Earlier in the day she said if her brother was going to the hospital to sit with her Mom she wanted to get a drink. When she called, she said she was way over in another town. I asked if she was stopping by. She almost sounded surprised at the suggestion. She said "No I'm so flippin tired I'm going to just go home". Then I told her we had a bye. Thinking maybe she'd say "Come on by" like she has the last 20 times something like this has come up. Nope. She just said "I wish I had known". Aight whatever. She's had a rough week. I asked her about the match this weekend. She told me she was planning to go to this convention going on in Fla. It's not work related and completely for fun. I was stunned... she's spent all this time at the hospital and bitched about how she hasn't had time to clean or sleep... and instead of shooting with the friends she has blown off for her Mom, she's going to run off to the convention. It just hit me wrong. We ended the call with "Let's do lunch tomorrow".

So back to BK. She had started playing a match while I was talking to Sandy. I was hanging out with one of my teamates. But we were right next to the table where she played. I guess she was on the 8 ball in a must win situation. I looked away for a second, then looked back and she was storming around and shaking the guys hand. She scratched on the 8 losing the whole match. Her BF was nearby and I was giving her some space... so I just sent a :( to her. No response. Whatever. I mosied my way up to the bar. Ordered a beer. Another... about 45 minutes goes by and I get back "bite me". WTF... So I sent "I was being serious... sorry you lost". She replied with "yeah yeah yeah"... It really hit me wrong (maybe it's just MY time). I replied with "whatev".

My teamate came back over and sat next to me. After about 20 minutes here comes BK. She bypasses me and starts talking to him. Ok she's pissed at me. She started to walk off and she said "smartass". I said "I was being serious.. I saw the shot and I'm sorry you lost". Without saying anything she smacked me in the back of the head and walked off. Fuckin pissed me off.

I don't think I've ever talked about Tina. Tina was supposed to be on our team last season. But she was dating one of the players and there was a snafu in communications. Long story short Chester stole her from us. The night he stole her, I put on the full court press to get her back. Bought her drinks. Even put my arm around her and started walking her back to my team. I had never laid eyes on the woman before in my life. She stayed on his team. It was good for some laughs.

Then I saw she and Chester together. I don't think they ever went out. But he did his usual thing with her. I said right then "Fuck it.. I'm staying FAR FAR away from her" thinking of A (from WAY back), Taylor... even BK kinda. What does she do? Comes up to me EVERY single night and starts talking with me the whole damned season. I was rude as hell to her in a playful kind of way. She'd come over and I'd say "Uh uh... you MADE your choice. Go back over there. You are DEAD TO ME!!" Mostly playing. One night I was sitting there leaning against this 1/2 wall. She came up behind me and started scratching my back. I said "Don't be putting your Chester stunk up hands all over me!!" Yet she still keeps coming around.

Last night, in between all the OTHER shit going on. She sat down next to me. She started asking me things about Chester. Most of it pertained to pool. I.e. "As Captain would YOU do XXX or YYY?" Turns out Tina has been kind of a slack ass on their team. Chester is trying to boot her. But he won't just say "I don't want you on the team". He won't play her or gives her hell if she's late or, as the case is now, tries to cut her play time in 1/2". She went on and on about it.

Just to be goofy while she was talking, she grabbed my blackberry and sent herself a text because "she wanted to try it out". The rest of the night I get txts from her. I shot a few her way. Most of the time just pushing her buttons. I.e. "After ALL that drama you laid on me you're still with the wrong team!!" etc.

At the end of the night BK comes up and leans on my shoulder saying "I'm really sorry about earlier. I have NEVER had so many fucking BF issues in a 24 hr period. He has me so fucking stressed". Then she left.

Tina came by as well and said "If you'll be here I'll come back in a few". She never did. Whatev.

So in summary, 3 different women, ALL of them with serious attitudes and generally pissing me off last night.

Cut to today (or yesterday since I'm going to autopost Fri. morning... ok we're talking about Thurs here!). Remember Sandy wanted to do lunch. Did she call? E-mail? Nope. Fuck her. I've been here before. I've said it before. Well here I am again. Sorry about your Mom. I'll take a lot under those circumstances. But to blow me off THEN go running of to some convention for fun... FUCK HER.

Since she stood me up for lunch, I went to McD's and grabbed something fast. While there, here comes TXT from Tina. Asking me "As Captain does XXX make sense to you?" I'm not agreeing with Chester on this one.. but the logic he is using on her makes sense to me. I mean, I wouldn't run someone off because this game is supposed to be fun for everyone. But I know the situation where he's coming from and as a captain you do end up in a weird position. Personally I try to work to the players advantage instead of using it to kick them off. But that's me and there's history with those two. So I said so.. but I was leaning it more towards "I feel your pain" kind of thing. Then I get "Did you talk to him last night about me talking to you?" FUUUUCKK here we go again. Yet another fucking Chester cast off using me to get back to him. FUUUCK HERRR!!! I never responded to that one.

Today, I expected to hear from BK to confirm a time for our massage. After that last little bit about all the issues she has with her BF, alarms are going off like crazy. Can I really expect to be naked (albeit platonic) in her apartment and have no repercussions? Normally I would shoot her a txt to confirm, but I didn't. Nor did she shoot me one. This is all too fucking much.

At least today (we'll see how I stand my ground once one of them bats an eye at me), I'm done with them all. This isn't worth it. No fun. I'm sick of these fucking women using me. And I get ZIP for it. FUCK EM....

I feel better now.

Not Much H in my NT

By request. I'm not gonna link this back to OS at the HNT because as the title says... there ain't much H in it.

Interview with a Vamp

I volunteered with Her Yumminess from Ready or Not Here I Smile to do an interview. So here we go!

1.) Hypothetical situation. Pretend Sandy is moving away. For good. You have one last day & night with her. In the time that the 2 of you have together, what would you like to ideally have happen between the 2 of you. Conversationally, physically, location wise, etc. Provide as many details as you feel comfortable with.

Well.. this one may not be so hypothetical. Every time she sees the BF I dread seeing a ring on her finger after. She really wants a family and has pushed him to take it to the next level. I think she has resigned herself to things being status quo. If he did in fact propose, I'm not so sure she'd accept. Of course there's what she tells ME vs. what she'd do. Anyway, it hasn't happened yet so here goes:

Before anything is said, I can see meeting at the beach (there is a small beach community just a few miles from where we live). Having dinner at one of the small restaurants. Going to the hotel nearby. Making love many times (instead of fucking.. doesn't happen often for me). I can't say I see specifics. More of a flash of my mouth on her neck. Her legs wrapped around my waist. Her head thrown back. Biting my shoulder (she says shes a biter). Somewhere before the morning, then I think I'd have to tell her how I feel. How much I hate the way things are turning out. And probably how selfish I was being. She deserves someone who can make her happy and not someone confused with a ton of baggage. But if this was the only time we had, then I was going to be selfish because I could never live with myself for not going for it.

2.) What are the five most wonderful things about your wife? How often do you say "I love you" to her? And what made you fall in love with her when you did?

1. Her attitude is always positive. She never has anything negative to say about anyone or anything.
2. She is the most attentive mother C could ask for.
3. Her laugh. Loud, boisterous, and genuine.
4. Her sense of humor. She puts up with MINE which can't be easy and even gives it back (especially when I pants her everytime I walk by).
5. Her unconditional love

Most of the time "I love you too" is what comes out of my mouth. Mrs says it several times an hour... WAY more than I talk at all much less say "I love you". We've had long drawn out discussions about this and I always feel actions speak so much more than words.. I'd rather walk by and kiss her on the neck or ease up behind her and slide my arms around her waist (followed by yanking her pants down because that little fucking comedian in my head takes over!!). So many times I've heard it said by others with attitude or a sense of duty. It's hard to fake actions though.

What made me fall in love with her... hmmm.. this one is a tough one. I guess it just happened over time. There wasn't really any one thing. No moment that jumps out as "I HAVE to marry this woman"... well... other than "We're pregnant!"... WHUMP (me hitting the floor)...

3.) What are the 3 most proudest moments of yours? In any order~

1. When C was born
2. Watching C perform in the Nutcracker as part of a professional company (as opposed to a local production) from a far away country. This wasn't just an obligatory recital for the parents. It was a no-shit touring group. They used local kids for some of the parts when they came to our city.
3. Getting my black belt when I was a kid.

(in order btw)

4.) What do you want to do (sexually) that you havent yet done? PROVIDE many details. ALL of 'em~ :)

I'm afraid my list of wishes is pretty vanilla and I'm sure will incite a litany of "Really?!?! You've never...". Most everyone I have ever been with has always been pretty conservative in bed with the exception of maybe HF. But we didn't really hook up enough to "experiemt". Anyway here goes.

Threesome - well duh I'm a guy. But I don't count the Dentist office because I'm talking a couple of hours of FFM doing whatever comes naturally. Not so much the 5 minute check off the list of things to do the other participants hand in mind... oh.. and there was a DUDE in that one!!

Booty Call - Just once.. I'd love for my pager (or in my case phone) to buzz with a message to the effect of "get over here and fuck me NOW"

Have sex at work.

Titty fuck. I've had a few brief seconds... but just once.

Maybe go to a swinger party. Not so sure I could participate but let's start with attendance and see what happens.

Spend a significant amount of time holed up in a hotel room (days... plural) with room service, gallons of KY, and 1 change of clothes...

I've done this one. But only once and it was an incredible turn-on. Once just wasn't enough so I'd be up for more.. MORE... MOOREE!!! Watch my partner masturbate. With and without toys. So hot.

5.) What are the 6 best physical features about yourself? What is a turn on to you that some people might be surprised to know? Dont be shy. You can include as many as you can think of :) (Use lots of descriptive words, too!)

6?!?! Whew I'm struggling with ONE.. Aight here goes...

1. legs
2. smile
3. I guess my ass but I've never really had anyone directly comment other than the wimens we shoot with telling me (and others) to "hold it right there for just a minute" if I've had to start in a position where my butt was sticking out...
4. uuhhhh... hands?.. cause.. uuuhhh... all the better to rub you with?...
5. uuuhhh....
6. uhhh....

See if you hadn't said "physical" I would've thrown in my rapier wit... perhaps my ability to make people laugh... that I always do what I say..

I'd have to say the biggest turn on for me is a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to act on it. I guess that would fall into the "attitude" category. Give me an aggressive attitude and I'm putty. I can't always put a finger on what attracts me to someone. I was attracted to Celeste at first because she was hot. She was pretty aggressive. But then there's a fine line between aggression and angry. It wasn't about sex with her. It was about satisfying her own insecurities. HUGE turnoff for me. Then there's Sandy. She has attitude but not aggressive sexually.. AT ALL.

Having said all of that though, I think the most surprising turn on would be that electric first kiss. When there's a spark it always flutters from my chest all the way down to my cock.

The Return of the TMI --- #169

It's been a while... haven't been motivated but let's give this thing a whirl!!

1. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your sex life?

5 - I DO have sex.. not necessarily with the person I want to... not necessarily in the manner.. but it happens.

2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?

WOW!! You got some muscles on ya! I guess it would depend. If it were Mrs I'd would've probably swept and mounted her before she could get me to the wall.. If it were Sandy/BK/Insert Interest Here, I'd probably roll with it.

3. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done or said to you?

I do. In spite of everything.

4. Where is the most unusual place you have ever had sex?

Dentist office still tops the list. See sidebar. But I'm open to try to top it.. Anyone?? Anyone???

5. How do you liked to be kissed?

With lips... I kid... Pretty much anyway is a good way. I guess my fav is long, soft, wet lingering. I HATE lip biting. Something Mrs has started doing lately... Hrm..

Bonus (as in optional):Most embarrassing sexual moment?

Lord there's a long list. Let's see... mildly embarassing.. fishing for the condom after... More embarassing... The time I realized after we were both naked I had NO interest sexually in her and couldn't get it up but didn't want to hurt her feelings... The time I was in awe of HF and was a little too.. nervous and couldn't... Maybe I've blotted out the most embarassing. I can't think of much else. Maybe I should've been embarassed about something and wasn't.

Crap am I Sore!!

I decided to look at fitness a little bit differently this year. When I took karate, I liked the idea there was a class.. or rather a schedule. It's easy for me to have a commitment to a schedule. I feel obligated to go. Also, it was easy for me to stick to with Mrs because I can say "I can't do X or Y because I have class". She is notorious for scheduling things and blowing off whatever I need to do. "Can't you just work out another time?" A class is easy for me to defend. In a nutshell, it just fit with my personality quirks and I was successful for more than 2 years.

The problem is, I have a love/hate thing with the class I was taking. I love that they are a no-nonsense, you earn it, kind of dojo. It's no feel good, everyone is a winner kind of place. When you walk out of there with a black belt, buddy you earned it. However, I hate that they are so fucking structured. I already have 1 black belt. I did the belt thing here enough to get to a point where I could have some freedoms as to what they would teach me. Now that I'm (or was) there, I really don't want to take the damned tests. Lastly, I was getting hurt a lot towards the end ultimately getting my elbow broken/chipped. Shooting is what I love. Karate was for fitness. Getting hurts interferes with number 1.

This year, I'm looking at it differently. I started following something called "crossfit". It's kind of extreme workouts. The exercises are designed to push you until you are on the verge of puking. Reminds me of some of the crap we did in the dojo. Especially this thing called "stations". The Sensei would layout cards on the floor around the perimeter of the dojo. Each card was some kind of ass kicking exercise. Squats... or crunches.. or jump rope.. or wall chair (put your back to the wall and "pretended" to sit in a chair" all timed for about 1.5 minutes. Crossfit reminds me of that. Except that are minimalist. There are crossfit gyms you can join. There is one in this area. But the only real advantage is equipment. While they are minimalists, some of the exercises in their purest form requires things like rowing machines. You can substitute other similar exercises and they usually have suggestions but a gym with equipment would be nice. I'm trying it with the minimalist approach. To fit my personality quirk and for motivation, I'm looking at each workout I do on my own as $$ I DIDN'T spend on karate. So far it's working pretty good. I'm kinda obsessed with it for now.

Having said all of that... I am SO fucking sore today!!! The first workout I did was all pullups. I can't DO pullups. I had to modify them slightly just so I could finish it but my arms are killing me. The 2nd workout was squats. Again, didn't have the equipment so I modified it slightly. Did sets of 50, 40, 30, 20, 10 with a dumbell. Next workout a 5k run. You get the idea. I'm fucking SORE!!! But I feel good about doing something.

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As I mentioned in the video/audio post, Sandy's Mom had a stroke. She's been in the hospital non-stop. We ate lunch twice last week. She wanted to shoot yesterday for some practice. I ended up going over to her place and helping her with some things for shooting. She seemed pretty frazzled.. running around in full on ADD mode jumping from thing to thing. Loading some ammo, getting clothes out of the dryer, putting on 1/2 her makeup... loading clothes into the washer.. checking her e-mail (this is seriously a series of events I witnessed IN ORDER)... back to ammo... Finally we had everything ready to head to the range. I said "Look.. I know this week has been really tough and you haven't hardly been at home. I completely understand if you can't go to the range. Honestly, I haven't seen you alone for more than a few minutes since the mountains so I'm cool with whatever you want/need to do". She said "I want to go to the range". me: "Ok... lets' go to the range". On the way her step-father called. A Dr. was coming in for a consult. I'm getting the impression her step-Father is kind of... simple. Sweet guy. But when it comes to listening to a Dr. and making decisions he's out of his comfort zone and relies her Sandy to help make decisions. Instead of going to the range we opted to grab a bite to eat. Then she went back to the hospital and I went to the range by myself.

Then it was back home and the familiar ache I feel after seeing Sandy. Then I realized something. It goes back to the very first post of this blog. I feel a tremendous void at home. I love Mrs because she's the mother of my child and she's a good person. But from day one, I haven't feel that all consuming passion. Sandy is most probably pure infatuation. But when I'm with her I feel the things I've been missing for 7 years. When I have to go home, it is with an acute sense of loss. And I think really, this is why I do the things I do. To feel that excitement you get at first attraction. The hunt.. the conquest.. the attraction.. I'm sure all you couch-psychologists would tell me IF I were to do something about it.. hypothetically leave Mrs for instance.. Sandy would probably not live up to expectations. That perhaps I see her as the polar opposite of what I'm lacking and therefore make her out to be so much more than what she could possibly live up to. I can probably list 20 ways you'd be right. I know this intellectually. But emotionally I feel so strongly about her.

At a more base level.. let's say Sandy's BF finally gets his head out of his ass and proposes.. Or worse she moves on to another guy. I'm left with a complete void and the acute awareness my life has become a lie at home... Well.. I've said it before. But I could live with it. Could I live with it now? And there is so much at stake when it comes to C. C IS my light... the absolute love of my life.

Man did this take a serious turn...

HNV Part II

Finally got that bastard to upload.... lot of work for so little content.. eh well... here it is a day late!

HNV... Kinda

Really this video post is more of an "audio" post as the camera is just resting on the console of my truck. I am merely substituting the audio for what I would've otherwise typed. I mention HNT... really only because my arm shows but ya know.. I'm reaching there :) I actually am deciding I really don't like doing "audio" posts.. jury's out on video. What I really mean by "audio" vs. "video" is whether or not I talk. I'm too ADD to organize my thoughts on the fly when talking. When I think video, I think of getting something interesting on camera and letting the images speak for themselves. I'll continue to experiment though...

UPDATE!!!!!

AIGHT... I'm officially over the videos... 2+ fucking hours and it still didn't upload...

First Ever..

video post for your enjoyment! I thought the fog was kinda cool...

Mwuah!

Happy New Year!!