The Fall Continued...

I was still very emotional when I wrote my last post. I glossed over a few key facts about my demotion. I've played the series of events over and over in my head. The what's and the how's all seem trivial. I know in my heart I put forth my best effort. I worked harder than I've ever worked. I got more accomplished in a week and a half than I have in several months in my prior life.

On monday I got an inkling of what was coming. I got called into an office to discuss the progress of our infrastructure. It was made clear to me I was already behind and they expected more from me. What followed were some of the most stress filled days of my life. I ramped into high gear. I worked until 2am that night. The following day I went home around 7pm to eat with my family and spend a little time with C before getting back to work. I started to get physically ill. Nauseuous. In between running to the toilet to throw up, I continued to work from home until I solved one of the biggest problems holding me back.

The next day, I felt pretty good about things. I had things moving ahead. I was on-schedule for the renegotiated deadline when the boss came into my office to discuss a few things. This is when she hit me with the demotion. I was completely floored. Let me explain what the demotion entailed. Title's are so irrelevant in this company because we're so small right now. I could call myself anything I want because in reality, it's just me doing what I do. So there was no demotion in title. Instead, I got my pay cut by $20,000. We argued. I went over the list of things including the expectations since monday and where I stood relative to that. The answer was "I know. But it wasn't fast enough". And that cost me $20,000.

That afternoon I contacted my old boss at the previous job. They hadn't filled my position. In a weird twist of fate, it turns out because of the timing of events and the HR rules and laws of my institution and state, I can get my old job back as if I never left as long as I start within X number of days. I had a great meeting with my old boss and his boss. I have another interview with the BIG boss tomorrow morning.

Over the weekend I went to a paintball outing we had set up a long time ago (with my old boss). Afterwards, he and I sat around and talked a lot... man to man... friend to friend. I would be fooling myself if I didn't think he was looking for something as the boss. But I really felt it was more of a friend to friend talk. He told me, a lot of the information I got came straight from higher ups and that if I knew, then it was pretty much set in stone that I'm back. I'm not taking anything for granted until I get a welcome back from the big boss tomorrow.

I hope to god it's soon. I hate every second and every day I spend in that place. Friday was miserable trying to get work done knowing I was doing my best to leave the place.

This whole experience has completely fucked with me. I've been an emotional wreck ever since. The one thing that has helped me keep it together has been my Daughter and Mrs. They have been so supportive. I get choked up just thinking about it. C came up to me Wed night and said "Daddy, I'm sorry you had a really bad day" and she put her arms around my neck and gave me the sweetest hug.

I can't help but wonder what is fucked up with me. Did I really struggle? Am I losing a step? Am I really an idiot pretending to be an admin? My self confidence is gone.

The Fall

Maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. The whole thing has me in a serious personal crisis. I stepped into this company knowing I was the whole show as far as infrastructure. I knew it was going to be a challenge, but one I could handle. Evidently I'm not handling it fast enough. I could be bitter. I could be angry. I'm definitely frustrated and feeling... rudderless. I got demoted yesterday. Even though I've been working 20 hours a day. I worked until 2am Mon/Tues. I'm not getting things done fast enough. Never mind I built a phone system, a network, and an e-mail system in the week and a half I've been there... from an empty office by the way.

I don't know what my problem is. I communicate too much. Maybe too little. I called my old boss and asked if I could interview for my old job. I'm in a serious tail spin right now.

First Day

Haven't had time to post much. Our first few days consisted of assembling furniture, sitting on the floor a lot (because of the painters, we couldn't actually use the furniture), calling people, calling more people... oh yeah from the cell phone in the parking lot of the building because we get NO reception inside. I finally got our broadband hooked up yesterday.

Anyway, nothing much juicy going on other than work work.

Last Day

Friday was my last day at my old job. It's insane. I realized as I walked out, I had been employed there for 16 years. SIX-TEEN fucking years! It was my first "real" job. My ONLY real job. God I hope I know what I'm doing.

I stopped by the Krispy Kreme on the way in and picked up some doughnuts. My parting gift to the people I have known for so long. I got to work before anyone else. Except for my boss's boss. He wanted to chat with me for a little bit. It was a good talk. I really like this guy. He's super religious. But not one of those blind fundamentalists who has to "save" everyone. He leads a very well balanced life and was someone I felt completely safe working for (as is he always had our best interests at heart).

One of my co-workers asked me to do one last task as I was walking out the door Thursday. I knocked that out quickly. Took care of some last minute paperwork. Took the last load of stuff to my truck. Returned the last bit of equipment I had at my house.

By this point a couple of co-workers trickled in. I shook hands with guys. The only girl on my team, affectionately called Pig Pen throughout this blog, cried. It was kinda touching. Then I left. And that was that.

I did try to pick a fight with Chris. I sent e-mail to everyone BUT him inviting them to partake of the doughnuts. For him, I took a tampon and wrapped it with a ribbon. I left it on his keyboard. The message, "one day too you'll finally be a man". He didn't bite though. Perhaps I'll see him on a wed. night.

I handed in my badge and a leave slip for the rest of the day to the boss expecting a nice relaxing day. Maybe even stirring up a little mischief somewhere. Unfortunately, the new boss had other plans. We are literally walking into an empty office Monday morning. He had me buying buying buying. It went on all day off and on until around 11pm.

And that.. was as they say... that.