Blabbering

So here I am 2 weeks after moving out and I'm in a state. No other way to put it.

The first week was kind of crazy. Adjusting to the change, schedules for work, C, shooting etc. It went by in a blur. Last week wasn't much better. Now that we're getting into the holidays things are happening quickly. Really I only had Mon and Tues "on my own". Of those days Tues was insane. I was at work at 6:45. Conference calls, meetings, work, then OTHER stuff after work.

Next thing I knew it was the day before Thanksgiving. C and I went to see my Mom for the holiday (more on that in a bit). It was a nice visit. Seems like I left the house maybe 1 time in 4 days. It's amazing how 4 days of doing nothing go by so quickly.

The trip home yesterday took just under 5 hours. C slept through most of it. She played with her iPod for the other part she didn't sleep.

It was probably the first time since I moved out I actually had time to think. Unfortunately, I don't have any clear thoughts. Just a jumbled mess. And sadness.

First, now that I'm out of the house, I want so badly to move back. BUT, I know it's just a knee jerk reaction. I'm missing the comfort zone. But I KNOW if I moved back I would be miserable.

Second, I know I have no future with anyone. Including Sandy. But there are times when I physically hurt knowing the reality that she is BAD for me. My head tells me to stay away. But the heart really, really, doesn't want to.

I'm paralyzed between the worlds. I could just accept my place in the world, move back in, be a Dad to C. A husband to Mrs as much as best I can. What happens when someone else comes along? What happens to Mrs the longer I pretend? AM I pretending?

Last night was the first real time I felt completely lost. Before I was more in a daze. Mrs and I discussed Thanksgiving for a couple of weeks. Initially she wanted to go to visit my Mom. But then she changed her mind and decided she wanted to stay behind and be with her Mom. My own feelings went from "wouldn't it be weird" to "maybe we should go together to be with C". The debate went on up until Mon or Tues. In the end she stayed home.

All weekend I wondered if this was right. Part of me was indifferent. Part of me would've rather been somewhere else. Another part was curious what she was actually doing.

When I dropped C off, I really wasn't sure what I should do or how I should act. Mrs didn't really seem to act any differently than if I had gone away for a match. She said "I have a surprise". I noticed the bedroom door was closed. She opened the door and the room was... different. She painted. It was something she wanted to do for a really really long time. In fact, seems like she asked for a gift card back in Feb for her birthday for supplies.

This really wasn't anything earth shattering. BUT.. I guess part of me sees it as her making a break. It just didn't seem to be "my" room anymore.

I think the reality is she wanted to keep busy. The colors are those WE picked out. I wouldn't have helped her anyway because painting isn't really my thing. She enjoys it. We have an understanding about painting.

After she showed me the room we kind of sat around. She and C started trying on some clothes she picked up over the weekend. I was sitting there thinking "uhh... ok.. what am I supposed to do here... " Finally I just said "Ok gonna go". She seemed surprised I didn't want to hang out.

I got back to the apartment and debated what to do. I decided to do some cleaning. The room doesn't smell like cigarettes anymore. The smell is replaced by a.. musty smell now.

I attacked the carpets with cleaner and a vacuum. Then ran to the store. I got back around 7pm and literally stood in the room trying to decide what to do. I really wanted to call Sandy to see if she wanted to grab a bite. But I just really feel like she just doesn't want me around.

I made dinner. Ate. Tried to take my mind off of things. The longer I sat the more alone I felt.

Around 3am I finally realized (which I'm sure is a big DUH to anyone still left reading this blog) there is nothing to fill the void. Mrs can't do it. Sandy could, but only for a while before I realize it's all an illusion. I think what I want most, is for someone to want me. The sad thing is, the one who does isn't enough. I'm having a hard time really seeing that ever changing for anyone.

I guess at the moment I truly feel hopeless. The brain part of me is telling me I'm depressed. This is a classic symptom. Hang on until you talk to the right people. It will get better. Another part of me just hurts. I feel like such a chick because I'm on the verge of losing it at any moment.

Having said all of that, I did meet with a therapist/counselor/psycologist. He has a lot of letters after his name. I picked him (actually his wife but she isn't taking new patients) because of his credentials. He is referring me to someone to explore the depression side of things and possibly medication.

In the meantime, the phrase in my head is "ride it out"