It got dark in here

Or is that just the shadow of that shoe dropping on my head?

How do you start "the" conversation? "Honey, we need to talk. I know everything has seemed 'ok' over the last few months. But it's time for me to be honest. I just don't have the same feelings you do. I've tried to be 'the husband'. But it's just not working. I get depressed. Then I take it out on you. It's not fair to you"

I've had this conversation in my head a thousand times. Then I ask myself, where the fuck can you go? How the fuck can you afford to live? What happens if you realize this is a horrible mistake. Your judgement is clouded. There are some things you just can't take back. Is separation one of those?

I have this feeling I'll never get to have the conversation that way. Sandy and I have been.. cool at best. Ever since the night we almost had sex, it has been completely, and totally platonic. To the point where I feel like I'm the only "friend" in this friendship. But that's ok for now and another depressing post for another time.

Yesterday, I went to the range for some practice. Sandy and I are going to a big event. We're both scrambling for last minute adjustments to equipment etc. I met her at our usual spot and we rode together. We spent about 2 hours practicing. After we stopped at a little bar on the way back to her car for a quick drink.

No hanky panky. Purely platonic. As we walked in the bar I noticed out of the corner of my eye, two of Mrs' friends sitting in a booth. Actually, it's a little more complicated than that. Two of Mrs' friends, one of whom I actually dated before Mrs. They did not see me.

I steered Sandy to the other side of the bar far far away from them. We had a couple of drinks. 30 minutes-1 hour tops. I paid, we started to leave. I chose another door away from the friends. As I stepped outside, RIGHT in front of me was friend #1's car. Friend #2 was about 30 yards to the Left. They were talking across the parking lot. Sandy and I had to pass between them.

I kind of lowered my head behind the bill of my hat. But they both probably got a good look at the side of my face.

Sandy and I got in the car. I drove her back to her vehicle and went home.

I guess this will probably force a conversation. Shit.