The straw

Broke the back last night.

I had plans to do a lot of stuff yesterday. Unfortunately, a hurricane threw enough weather our way to wreck most of it. Instead I went to the store, grabbed a TON of junk food and beer, then watched football all day.

We were supposed to go to a party last night. In our last conversation, I told Mrs I couldn't stand the sight of our "friends" any more. True of most people I hang out with actually. Symptomatic of my current funk. But we only see these people once, maybe twice a year. I just don't have anything in common and don't have the energy to pretend I do. But Mrs is still close to a few of them. To top it off, Mrs' mother is in poor health. She isn't capable of watching C for us anymore. I made the sacrifice (sarcasm in case you didn't pick up on it) and offered to stay home and watch C.

Awesome. So I have beer, junk food, a laptop, porn, maybe some internet lovelies who would be up for some mischief.

Then around 5pm Mrs said "I'm not going". This shouldn't have irked me. But it did. I was looking forward to alone time. I kept after her. "But these are your friends. You should go. Why not go have some fun". She still said no.

I retreated to my Man cave to watch more football. Around 7pm she walked in the cave, in costume, and asked me to run to the store to pick up an accessory for her. I was very surprised she changed her mind. And if it meant alone time, then I would go to the store for her.

Around 8:30 she finally left. C went to bed around 10. I grabbed the laptop and started surfing around, seeing who was out there. Then at 11, I heard the door open. Mrs came home. With drive time, she was at the party at most, 2 hours.

Fuck.

I was still watching the ND/OU game while catching up on scores on the laptop (since porn was now out). Mrs washed off her makeup. She came out of the bathroom in her PJ top and nothing on the bottom. I knew what was going to happen next. She flopped in the bed, shoved her face in front of mine pushing the laptop away and started trying to kiss me.

I don't know why, I guess it's the ultimate sign of things. But I REALLY did not want to have sex. Period. She wouldn't let up. Finally I pushed her off and said "not now".

She jumped out of the bed, stormed out of the room and slammed the door.

At that very moment, I knew it's time.

I picked up the laptop and my phone and went to our spare bedroom. Which, btw, is trashed with her clutter (major sore spot). She came storming in. There was much arguing and yelling. But really, what is there to say. Actually, she argued and yelled. I didn't say anything but please get out.

Not sure what else to say. There's a lot of things, painful, to do.

Out Loud

Conversations sound one way in your head. Not unlike what you hear when you sing. A recording never sounds anything like the way you imagine. Something happens between the inside voice and the oxidization, reverberation, vibration of actual sound crashing into ears that changes the context, intent, content.

We postponed the conversation until after C's birthday and my last redneck games. That would be last night.

It's obvious to me perception is everything. I live in a cloudy world where everything has subtext and dark shadows. Mrs lives in the opposite. Everything is sunny and rosy and just peachy.

Case in point. Thurs night was a lot of ups and downs. I'm getting ready for my next redneck game (leave Wed morning). Sandy and I are doing this match together. She is actually an integral part of running this one. Me not so much. She needed a lot of help with gear. She had to leave Sunday in order to be there to do all of the "pre work". I'm heading out Wed. Her schedule is much tighter than mine. I went over Thurs night to help her out.

Nothing remotely inappropriate happened (aside from me being there at all) and hasn't since May. She is swamped with pre-game stuff that comes with the role she's taking in this one. Calls. Emails. Last minute details. Oh yeah, and getting her stuff ready. So I picked up some food and made dinner. Went through the list of things she needed me to do for her while she dealt with her own issues. I left about 10ish with just a hug.

When I got home, I tried to walk in the front door but something was blocking the door itself. I pushed and shoved. Finally I put my shoulder into the door and basically bum rushed my own house to get in.

Here's where my view and Mrs view diverge. I was fucking pissed. Who the fuck blocked the damned door?!?!? C had placed her backpack for the next day in front of the door. But it got wedged when I tried to open the door. Mrs was immediately on the defensive. In my mind, I was in a blind rage. She didn't know what I was talking about when I said "Who the fuck blocked the door?" I picked up C's bookbag and showed her. Then, in my mind, I wanted to fling it at something.. smash.. break... rage... What actually happened was I casually chunked it back towards the door and went to our room. I knew my reaction was bad and over the top. I did NOT act on impulse. But I'm sure my tone and face showed what I really wanted to do. As soon as I stepped away for a second I started feeling guilty. Why the fuck did I get pissed? Why is that ALWAYS my first reaction.

Mrs stalked into bed, turned out the light without a word. I couldn't sleep. I got maybe an hour.

The next day it was like nothing happened. She was chipper and bouncing around like she always does. Meanwhile, I was still questioning what the hell was going on with me? We met for dinner. I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open at dinner. After, back at the house, I plopped down on the bed and was going to catch up on some of the season premiers I missed earlier in the week. I think I made it about 5 minutes before I passed out.

Sometime around 9 Mrs came in the room turning on the lights. I was out cold. As soon as the lights came on, instant pissed. She said "I guess we're not watching a movie" I didn't remember us agreeing to. I said "What are you talking about?". She replied with "Well you're asleep". I shot back "Well I fucking was". Again, what the hell? Why is "pissed" my first reaction.

I slept for close to 12 hours. Sat morning I picked up my iPad and started reading. Mrs stirred, rolled over and shoved her way onto my chest. Annoyed. I just wanted to read.

Her hand went to my cock. Annoyed. And now guilty because I acted an ass and she wants sex. She persisted. My cock betrayed me. She climbed on top. We fucked. The entire time I just wanted to get it over with. Could she tell?

We had a wedding to go to Sat afternoon. It was a pretty quirky wedding. The bride and groom are both... unique. Not in a bad way. Just different. So the wedding was the interesting mix of traditional and whimsy.

After, back at our house I sat back down on our bed to read. Mrs came in and repeated the whole barge her way onto my chest when all I wanted to do was read. Eventually she fell asleep. I took the opportunity to go somewhere else and read.

For C's birthday we booked a ghost tour. Around 6:15ish I woke Mrs to ask her what time we were supposed to go. She stretched and said "We need to leave around 6:15". Annoyed. I picked the clock up and held it for her to see. "SHIT!" she said jumping up and running around getting dressed.

We went on the tour. C had a great time. I felt like we got ripped off. We basically made 2 stops. The lady talked for 1.5 hrs about history and about 10 minutes about ghosts. Our city is littered with graveyards and history. There are SO many cool stories and places to talk about ghosts. It just seemed... half assed.

Not much else went on. Mrs had some errands. I had something things to do to get ready for when I leave for my part of the games coming up.

Which brings us back to the conversation. My view of the last week was pissed, annoyed, guilt. Mrs' view was "cuddle, family time, making love".

Making things worse, she "scheduled" our talk for 8:30. At the games a couple of weeks ago I won a gun. It is the first time I've ever been able to pick a gun off of the prize table. I didn't place that well. The company sponsoring the event threw that much product at the match that even I, at the bottom of the pack, was able to pick up a gun. Usually those are reserved for the top 10% of the competitors. I was around the 60% range in place if that gives you an idea of a) how generous the match sponsor was and b) how it really isn't much of an accomplishment for me to get one. But it is exciting for me nonetheless. I picked it up yesterday while running my errands. I took a moment to take a picture to post on FB. Mrs was oo'ing and ah'ing over the gun. When I put it up she said "It's time to talk".

The conversation in my head, that I've been mulling over was something like "I need to move out. It's not fair to you or C to be around me. I just want to crawl in a hole until I get a handle on what my problem is". But on the heels of us giggling and oo'ing ah'ing over my new toy it just seemed so.. inappropriate.

But I went ahead. And of course the song didn't sound the same on the tape recorder as it did in my head in the shower. I just couldn't bring myself to say "I need to leave". I tip toed around it. Mrs said "I think you want me to tell you to go". Which is partially true. I'm a coward. I can't say it. Mrs felt blindsided. That things were "going well". I just don't see how she can't feel like we're going through motions. There's no way she could've felt like my heart was into anything.. including sex. I even told her I felt guilty about it because I don't feel like I deserver the intimacy after my behavior. It was a shock to her. I just can't understand how on one hand, she says she feels like we're growing apart, but on the other she doesn't feel the tension in things we're supposed to do as married people.

I don't know what we accomplished. She basically said "If you want to go then do it. Don't beat around the bush". But then she said "C will be devastated". Which I'm sure will be true. So here I am. Wallowing in self-doubt, pity, and depression.