We took a family vacation last week. It was actually nice. At least the first half of it anyway.
The trip was a whirlwind of places and family. We started in a nearby mountain city. It is famous for an extremely opulent, turn of the century mansion. C loves to visit there. We went for a special holiday event a few years ago. She was completely in awe. It was back during her "princess" phase. Obviously she could picture herself a princess in those settings. The time of year was magical as well. But it was also packed and the tour was limited to just the holiday themed areas. This time we did the whole thing. And I mean the WHOLE thing. 8 hours worth of walking. But it was nice.
Next we went to my Dad's place in the mountains. While there we took advantage of some of the local stuff. We did a whitewater raft trip and zip lines. Tons of fun. I wanted to do some redneck stuff at my Dad's place but it was 100+ degrees there. I just couldn't bring myself to get any hotter.
After my Dad's place, we finished up the week visiting family. My Grandfather is in his late 80's. Everyone keeps telling me to go visit him now. He won't be around much longer.
I have mixed emotions about the visit. First, I'm glad I did see him. My family is VERY long lived. All of my Great-grand xxx's lived well into their 90's. One Great Grandmother almost made it to 100. She died at 99. My Grandfather has been in congestive heart failure since I was in my late 20's. He keeps saying he's going to die from it soon. But 20 years later... His health is clearly declining though.
The downside, my Grandfather has always been an unusual character. He's an old country doctor. If you really know doctors that means he's smart, stubborn, narrow minded, but knows everything. There were times when I wanted to shake the shit out of him and shout "I'm 44 fucking years old and this is not my first damned rodeo you stubborn son of a bitch!!"
He also has some very odd views about people. Everything is very black and white with him. He hated his mother. She was "mean" to him some so he hated her. I don't understand that. My Mother had her moments and did some crazy shit. But she's still my Mother. I had a friend back in college who was pretty wild. He visited a few times. My Grandfather just decided one day he was gay and just had to tell me about it.
On one hand it may explain my friend's constant whoring. Denial etc. etc. But on the other there was the constant whoring. Just don't see it.
My Grandfather was the reason for my first marriage. One day he said "You need to marry that girl. A girl has to be married. Either marry her or let her go". At 22 and very inexperienced I asked myself "Why not?". It was a decision I'm sure fucked up most of my life.
You have the idea. He's an old weird dude. Now, it's hard to tell whether or not his weirdness is coherent, or if he's getting dementia. One day, he decided to share with me all of his sins. He asked me "Have you had your indiscretion yet?" I have long learned my Grandfather is NOT as wise as he thinks and to just keep my mouth shut. We all know the answer is in my archives. But I said No. He went on to tell me about his. How he started flirting with a woman. How he was in his 50's and feeling unattractive and her attention was at a perfect time blah blah. But he swears he never had sex with her.
Ok, uncomfortable for sure. I wasn't sure why he was sharing this with me. He implied he wanted me to learn from his mistake.
But then he went on to tell me about my Grandmother. She died when I was 23. My Grandmother had a lot of demons. Alcohol was the number 1. She was 4' 11" and 80 lbs when she died. Technically she had an unfortunate series of timing where she had low blood pressure and took blood pressure medication leading to strokes and other massive organ failures. Personally, I'm convinced she would've survived if it hadn't been for DT's etc. on top of it all.
She pretty much raised me. My Mom worked at my Grandfather's office. My Grandmother picked me up from school, took me to all of my after school stuff. Kept me during the summers. After college she came to visit frequently. Much more than my Mom did.
My Grandfather went on with his story to tell me my Grandmother was a vindictive whore who fucked a male prostitute to get even. She then contracted the papillomavirus etc etc. According to him, when she found out he didn't actually have sex with his woman she felt so much guilt she started drinking and quit eating.
I was stunned hearing this story. Not so much the story itself. But that *I* was hearing it. I tried to keep my emotions in check and just listen. Later, hell still, I tried to decipher what the conversation really meant. Did my Grandfather actually fuck this woman and he's telling me this to try to rewrite his own history? Was he expressing guilt? Maybe trying to confess his sins and unburden himself at the end? I'm pretty sure at least part of the story was to blame himself for my Grandmother's death. The message being "I wronged her and that wrong ultimately lead to her alcoholism and death". Was he just dementia'd?
He told me he tried to have this conversation with my Mom and she blew a gasket. Then he said he would rather I didn't tell Mrs.. he understood if I did because she's MY wife. But he would prefer I didn't. He added, he wasn't sure if he'd have this conversation with my Sister. Probably not he mused. Finally he added, "maybe I shouldn't have told you".
From my perspective, I'm deeply disappointed he chose to smear the memory of my Grandmother. Kids see their Grandparents, or should, or in my case did, as these perfect loving people. My Grandmother taught me about unconditional love for your children and their children. Sure she had her flaws. But she represented the "right" way. Here's my Grandfather knocking her down. And himself. I'm not sure who he tore down more. At the moment, I just see him as the sad old man about to die. Not the Grandfather I once knew.
Another thing that really bothered me about the trip was his wife. He married a couple of years after my Grandmother died. She's a super nice lady. Very good to my Grandfather. She has a Daughter and 3 grand kids herself. She is just a year or 2 older than my Mom. Her Daughter is my age. Her grandkids are the same age as C (give or take).
Over the years, my piece of my Grandfather's history has slowly disappeared from his house. I noticed there was only 1 picture of my whole side of the family. Period. No pictures of my Mom, my Uncle (now deceased), none of the Grandkids.
It's in line with a general attitude. If WE make the effort, they are all accepting and welcoming to us. But when they vacation, they always go to her Daughter, never to us. Even when they vacation near us, we find out after they've left.
We left my Grandfather's house to travel to big southern city to visit my Mom for the last few days. Visiting my Mom is always a chore for me. I love her. But visiting is like standing outside watching a storm approach. It may turn or pass by. Then again you make get the full fury. My step-Father is another odd duck. He's like a 12 year old. Correction, a very exuberant 12 year old. Sometimes you just don't want to go play with the bug collection if you know what I mean.
My Mom is full of drama. She's been that way as long as I've known her. I just know to expect moments of fury and drama and ride them out remembering it's just her way.
She started in about my Grandfather and how pissed she was for "the things he said". She didn't know he told me as well. She said "Well... I'll just tell you what he said". Mrs was sitting there. I got pissed and left the table. But she told Mrs anyway. So much for his wishes.
I can debate forever what was going through his mind. Was he telling the truth? Was he trying to skew my memory of him? Has he simply lost his mind? Doesn't matter. The better question is, what is MY role now with this information? At first, I saw it as my job to just be his confessor. Let him get whatever it was off his chest. Make the sign of the cross, touch his head or whatever the hell makes him feel better and move on. Then let it die with me. My Mom clearly has other ideas.
I'm extremely disappointed with them both. My Grandfather for smearing my Grandmother, whether there was truth to it or not. If all he wanted was to was to warn me, he could've done so without taking her down with him. My Mother for being my Mother and not keeping her mouth shut. You had to hear her tell it. But she just couldn't wait to tell us what he said. Like it was too juicy to keep it in. Sure she was pissed and appalled. But she just HAD to say it. She's probably already told my Sister.
All people are flawed. They are human. It's our way. As a parent, I try to improve upon my parent's flaws without fucking my kid up. I will have enough of my own flaws though. It is unfair to burden my children with MY parent's flaws. To them, they see them like Santa Claus. You never want them to find Santa out behind the mall in the piss stained costume with an empty bottle of Mad Dog puking all over himself.
