Long-

-gevity that is. Evidently my employment continues. My boss met with upper management. He said the discussion went well. As he is off playing golf (and not in unemployment), I assume the rest of us are ok too. Then again, they always wait until Friday.

The pool team played in the sister bar they call home. It's in the next town over. It happens to be in the area in which S roams. I was running late when I got there. I immediately noticed Work C sitting at a table with the lovely S and not one, but TWO other lovely friends of S. Turns out both are co-workers and one is also a roomate, M. It is a little uncanny how similar S and M are in personalities. M is astoundingly beautiful. Young. Exotic features. If I remember correctly, S once told me she has moroccan heritage.

I spent a fair amount of time talking with the 3 women. The double entendres had the internal video streaming images of S and M performing various acts of debauchery. S and the other coworker, AH, discussed their struggles to quit smoking. S was berating them for conspiring to sneak off to the bar for cigarettes. M asked S "You don't have any addictions do you?". S turned to me and said with a raised eyebrow "I'm addicted to sex". I think some food actually may have spilled out of my mouth as my jaw went slack.

Later, we sat around the pool tables watching a match. I gave S a quick squeeze on her neck for some reason or another. She said "You don't have to stop". I ran my hand up her neck and into her hair massaging her scalp. My fingers slid down her neck to her shoulders. I could see goose bumps rise on her arms. I worked my fingers along her spine farther and farther down her back until my fingers were at the small of her back. I used my fingernails to scratch across the fabric of her shirt. She shivered and arched her back. She leaned to my ear and said "That's one of my erogenous zones". I quickly replied "How do you think I know about it?"

Sadly, the evening ended far too early. I was only 1/2 paying attention, or I'm just that clueless. M apparently got dddrRRRUNK. S decided it was time to drive her home. Damnit!

While all of this was going on, T was skulking around in the background. Work C and I were highly amused as she was clearly not happy with interlopers in her territory. After S left, I walked over and sat next to her. She gave me the cold shoulder. I finally said "What's got you in such a foul mood?" knowing good and well what the real reason was. She looked almost startled. As if she didn't realize the vibe she was putting out. She mumbled something about her other team. We chit chatted a little bit.

Then it was over. We left. Work C, T, and I headed out. I was on the motorcycle. Evidently, T thought that was so hot. Maybe I'll get a chance to give her a ride.

Blessed sleep

Much better today. I finished doing what I could around 11pm last night. The application guys are rebuilding the data 1 transaction at a time. It's looking like at least another day before it is caught up.

I don't know how my future looks. But I'm still blissfully indifferent to it all. The more I think about it, the more I realize we were in a no-win situation. It's like we were handed a '94 Honda Accord and were told "This car is crucial for family X. Keep it running". We have no idea whether or not the previous owners took care of it. They may or may not have changed the oil. If something broke, did they duct tape it together or fix it correctly? Being the competent mechanics we are, WE do the right thing. Change the oil. Do a tune up. But we don't tear it apart and do a complete rebuild on it. Oh yeah, the family is using it so we can only perform maintenance while they are sleeping at THEIR convenience and with timeframes THEY allocate irregardless of how much time the work requires. Then the engine blows up and we find out someone tuned the chip and cut holes in the airbox letting debris into the intake blah blah. It's not our fault. But somehow we "should have caught that and fixed it".

My boss is to appear before upper management in a meeting to discuss it all tomorrow. He's going to get his ass chewed. Which is a shame because our team really shined yesterday. We worked together. We solved problems. Each team member jumped on something they could do to contribute and really pulled together. Other teams would've (and have) thrown their hands up, distanced themselves from the mess, and tried to hang someone out. We came up with creative solutions to the problem and got it done. Which is a mark of quality leadership. Management is going to look at the org chart, say "Well, this was your system. Bend over and take it" and completely ignore that this system was mismanaged for 15 years. We were handed a pile of crap and they won't care. Nor will they care that the problems causing this whole mess were still the responsibility of the old group.

I guess this is really why I'm having a hard time getting worked up about it. There is nothing I can or could've done to change the sequence of events before me.

But enough of that. Tonight is pool night. S has expressed interest in coming out. T will most likely be there. I'm in SERIOUS need of getting my drink on. I'm hoping massive mischief and mayhem will ensue!

Oh yeah... it's ugly!

Still here. At work that is. I have 4 hours to go to the 24 hour mark. I think I'm hitting a 2nd wind.

After a brief period of of denial where we actually thought things would turn out ok, they did not. The databases are in fact corrupt. And yes, there really were no backups for a month. So here I sit restoring back to a month ago. The plan is to restore each datafeed for the last month from every system that is a source of data into this one and "replaying" them. We're looking at at least 2 more days of downtime. It's hideously ugly. And mission critical. Most would agree THE most mission critical system we have.

At this point, I'm finding it hard to care that I may not have a job. I'm fairly certain there will be serious repurcussions over this. I don't expect to lose my job or even get a reprimand. But how many times has someone lost their job who never saw it coming? I can't imagine how management could decide I'm to blame. But then again, they have made tons of decisions lately I didn't understand. So who knows. My involvement has been at the behest of others and under duress. Everything I touched did what it was supposed to. But they may look to anyone for their quart of blood.

If I lose my job, it's the end of our way of life. I'm on the bleeding edge financially and am just holding on until the fall when C is in public school. Without my income, we don't eat. We don't cover the mortgage for even one month. All of our money has gone into C's school. The weird thing is, and maybe it's just because I'm so tired, I really have no emotions about it. I'm not scared. I'm not confident. I am completely indifferent to the whole thing good or bad.

Eh well.

Darvocet and Work

Blech! I have been at work since 1am. I'm sure my trains of thought will be extremely disjointed for reasons that will become obvious. I am on-call this week. I got paged for a system I don't technically support. However, I hate "passing the buck". So I came in anyway. Turns out it was a good move. The system has not been backing up properly. I worked with it a little bit previously. Heads will probably roll over this snafu. I think being here will mean it's not my head rolling (I didn't have anything to do with the snafu anyway).

Back up about 18 hours. I was sitting at my desk yesterday when I felt a little... tweak in my back. Just below my shoulder blade. Within an hour or so my back was in full on spasm. The kind that makes taking a deep breath excrutiating. I tried stretching, a hot bath. I rumaged through the medicine cabinet for tiger balm or ben gay or something when I spotted... a bottle of darvocet. Ah... darvocet. If nothing else, I'll take a couple and not care.

Fast forward to 11ish when I finally decided to go to bed. On one hand, I drifted blissfully on a drug induced billowy cloud of slumber... as long as I didn't move. On the other hand, rolling over, stretching an arm that fell asleep, pretty much anything other than lying perfectly still brought out a pain that forced all of the air from my lungs in a silent scream. Once settled, the warm blanket of darvocet haze would wash over me cleansing me of the previous pain.

Fast forward again to 1am when my pager went off. My back still siezed but I don't really care. Hours of work... hours of "oh shitting to ourselves" as we realized the potential for disaster. The meds wearing off... and finally here I am. Tired. Grumpy. In pain but no longer blissfully ignoring it. Maybe or maybe not with a job.

Of course, the thought of unemployment at this particular moment is quite appealing. Sigh....

Ahhh... spring

I love this time of year. Warm days. The bugs haven't made life hell yet. The smell of pollen (I know... I'm weird). It always makes me want to throw a blanket out in a sunny field somewhere, get naked with a beautiful woman, and fuck for hours.

In a somewhat related thread... I fixed my motorcycle. It has been over 3 months since I last rode. It has languished in the garage, neglected due to finances and my overactive imagination. Through a series of circumstances, holidays, weather, conflicts with familial transportation requirements, it sat for 3 weeks. I tried to crank it. It ran for about 1 minute then died. Being a geek and knowing just enough about engines to get me in trouble, my mind immediately went to "busted this" or "fried that" all the while my brain racking up the $$ for each. I pushed it back in the garage and left it waiting for a time when I actually had money. One of my buddies finally asked me "Have you checked the spark plugs? Are they fouled?" DOH!! I'm an idiot. Sure enough, they were black, slimey, generally nasty as shit. A quick shot of cleaner and a wire brush later, it fired right up. Well... it sputtered and spitted. But at least it cranked. $7 for new plugs and I'm back on the road!

Now, I just need to find some cutie to rub her tits against my back!

No?

No boobies? Hmph!

I had an ok birthday. And by ok, I mean it was pretty much like any other day. I did have lunch with S yesterday. Very entertaining. Work C did a great job of cock blocking per usual. I shot a quick little weeknight match and took 2nd after work. When I got home, Mrs was giving C a bath. They took about 10 minutes to finish up then had my "birthday celebration". It was cute as hell. Or rather, Mrs has way too much time on her hands. She made a motorcycle cake. But when I say "motorcycle cake", I don't mean she ran out and bought a motorcycle shaped pan, then used icing for detailing the motor etc. She literally cut tires, fenders, motor, handlebars from a cake and decorated them individually. That I got cake itself wasn't a surprise. She offered me the unused portion of what she didn't need the night before. It struck me as odd at the time, the "unused" part consisted of one entire cake round, and what looked to be 50% of another. I actually saw all the parts and assumed they were "unused" too. That the "waste" pieces were actually parts making up a motorcycle was surprising. Very creative. And probably way better for me than a whole cake. The biggest part was the "motor". It was about the size of 2 chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies. All in all I think she only used 25% of the "cake" that came out of the box mix.

C went to bed. Mrs and I watched Lost. Then went to sleep. I didn't even get laid. No blowjob. No handjob. Nothing. Ah well...

I need boobies

Naked boobies... hell... naked in general. I believe that is my birthday wish. Pictures of beautiful naked female parts! Please (no... there is no desparation in my voice)?

My...

Wife is seriously cramping my style! Tomorrow is yet another anniversary of my birth. I'm hitting a point where I seriously would rather ignore the day rather than acknowledge yet another year has slipped away. Birthday celebrations are for the young... especially children. It's not that I hate birthdays. It's more that I prefer to think of my age as a state of mind. I joke about being a dirty old fucker. But in reality, I see myself as I did when I turned 30. Old enough to know better. Young enough to not care on ocassion.

As my birthday falls on a Wed, I have a veritable menu of activities from which to choose as to how to spend my evening. I could go shoot. I plan to go shoot. Afterwards, I could go to hang out with the pool team. I could perhaps pop in and see HF. There is an outside possibility S could shoot with us and I could coerce her into hanging out with us/me. In my mind there is always the hope of getting some birthday licks. In reality, any of these options would just be a fun time hanging with friends.

Except that Mrs called and wanted to know my plans. Up until she called, I was only vaguely aware tomorrow is my birthday. I mean, I knew it. But I hadn't really connected Wed night activities as taking place on my birthday. When she called, I still had it in my head this was C's ballet night and my "night out". I told her I hadn't really decided. She sounded pretty miffed at that. She responded "Well... I think might like to see her Daddy on his birthday". I replied "Couldn't we just do something this weekend?" She said OK and hung up. Not 15 seconds later, the phone rings again. It's Mrs. "What is the deciding factor as to what you're doing tomorrow?" Confused, I said "Huh?". She said "You said you hadn't decided what to do. What is the deciding factor?" I said "Hell I don't know. I hadn't really given it much thought until you just called". So now we're going to "talk about it" later. Which means she's going to tell me what I'm going to do on MY birthday.

What chafes my ass most about the whole conversation, is that I have said repeatedly, I don't care about my birthday. Tomorrow is just another Wed for me. And, frankly, one I look forward to spending doing what I ALWAYS do on Wed nights.... looking for trouble. I'm guessing Mrs figures as much.

Perhaps... no... or part 2

Title says it all. It hit happy hour time on Fri. I called S. She said "I'm shooting tomorrow. I can't drink!!" Basically, the whole "need sake" was just a tease. I did spend a few minutes laying it on thick though. She was highly amused. At one point she put me on speaker with her roommate. Highly entertaining.

I think I'm detecting a pattern though. Alcohol + S = huge shit talker and possibilties for mischief. No alcohol + other people = backpeddling. S + me by ourselves... not so sure. I think she avoids that situation. So is it possible she doesn't trust herself to be around me? Probably it's all in my head. Am I building up the potential for mischief way beyond actual potential? Who knows. But what else would I have to talk/obsess about otherwise?

My weekend was mostly filled with entertaining C. Mrs had to work most of the weekend. In fact, all day and late into the night Saturday. Sunday was more 9-5. C and I had "Daddy/Daughter" time. Mrs was so tired both days she pretty much came straight home and crashed. We did try to watch a movie last night. Casino Royale. You know, I just don't think there's enough action in that movie (big sarcasm if you didn't pick up on that). Per usual, about 30 minutes into the movie, I felt Mrs head roll on my shoulder. The tell-tale sign she is sound asleep. I'll never get how, with as much wattage as I have in that room, she can sleep through a movie as action packed as that one. Ah well. 26 days to go before the end of her busy season.

Perhaps... hmm

Well... just when I am in the midst of the bleakest outlook for mischief, a sparkling little ray of hope flickers ever so tauntingly in the distance.

Wed. night I opted to go hang out with the pool team. S had mentioned one of the shooters we know would be visiting and the possibility of a happy hour. I didn't hear from her and decided to head out with the usual crowd. It was a pretty subdued night. Except.... T showed up. I was shooting a game with one of the guys. She mosied up to the table, leaned in close and said, "I.. am... so... BAKED!!" I got a good chuckle out of it. Then she added "... and paranoid as hell! I keep thinking all the guys are trying to look up my skirt". I quickly shot back "That's not paranoia, we ARE trying to look up your skirt!" We went back and forth a bit about that. Then she wandered away. Later in the evening I ended up next to her again. I have no idea how the conversation came up, but somehow we were talking about costumes. Maybe in reference to halloween. It wasn't really significant enough for me to remember... that is until she said "I could so get into wearing a little costume... doing a little role playing..." She instantly had my attention. She continued "Maybe a little maids outfit... no panties.. dusting while my man sits on the couch. Perhaps I would have to lean down to pick up something on the floor between his feet... things could go from there. I think it would be so hot to give a blowjob as a 'maid'" Work C was walking by when she said this. He stopped dead in his tracks for a second. He was in the middle of a match so he couldn't really chime in. Then, in a "did I just say that out loud moment", T blurted "I'd do anything for the married guy I have a huge crush on". Oooohhhhh.... just when I thought I was getting somewhere, she's saying this all for Work C's benefit. Damnit!

We talked some more about her state of bakedness. I mentioned how I was terrified now that we had to go through the drug test to do anything. My stash was just going to waste. She asked how often we are tested. I told her I think it was only at "first hire" and if management is looking for a reason to get rid of you. I added, I could probably do a bowl here and there and not sweat it. She said "I'll have to plan better next time". Hrmmm..

However, the REAALLY interesting potential for mischief has come via S. She was a little miffed I chose pool over an evening with her and gang. As she never called AND gave me a wrong date/day combination, I assumed I had the wrong day. So I promised to meet them out last night. I got to the bar around 8pm. S was there along with the guest (J) and her friend A. We stood around chit-chatting and drinking. I wasn't sure about J. I had met him a few times. He struck me as the straight laced fundamentalist type. So I was very careful about talking too much shit. As the night wore on, I realized I was WAY off base with him. He turned out to be quite the hell raiser. So the shit talking commenced in earnest. We ended up at a sushi place. We were the last customers admitted. The sake started flowing. I ordered a HUGE plate of sashimi. All of the food came out. S looked at me and my plate and said "There is no way you're eating all of that". I shot back "Watch me". She quickly retorted "Wanna put something on it?" Now, I'm not one to over eat. And I know my limits. And I was fucking hungry at this point. I felt confident I had it well in hand. I said "Name it". She replied "You're married, I can't go there". The sound of a needle scratching shot through my mind. Then, much to my surprise, she said "How about putting something on the next match?" I said "You want to bet me in a straight up results race?" She said "I can take you". I asked "Terms?" She thought for a second and said "If you lose, you have to run from one end of the hall in our hotel and back wearing nothing but a pink thong". Hrmmm.... "And if I win?" I asked. "You tell me" was her response. Visions of her on all fours sucking my cock popped in my head. But we were in front of people. So I said, I'll have to think of something good.

For the rest of the evening the shit talking continued. We went to another bar. She bet me the bar tab, my room, and food for the next match I couldn't tie a bar towel into a knot grasping both ends and not letting go of the ends once I grab them. I had never seen that particular trick. But I figured if I folded my arms, grasped the towel, and pulled my so they were uncrossed it would knot. And it worked. So she already lost that bet. We talked a fair amount of shit about staying in her room since she lost. It continued into today. I shot her an an e-mail about the original bet and said "Ok... if I lose, I run up and down the hall wearing the thong. If you lose, you have to wear the pink teddy, stilettos, and the pink cap pistol (left over conversation from the last out of town trip)" She hasn't responded to that. She did shoot me a separate e-mail saying "It's a beautiful day... Need any more sake?"

This could get very interesting indeed.

Mood Killer

I was right. About 25 minutes after my last post I was in a full-on panic as only about 25% of my systems did the new DST correctly. It took me until late yesterday to finally figure out why. The real pisser is the "new DST" is only an experiment. It could very easily change again next year. Woo fucking hoo!

I spent the rest of the weekend accomplishing nothing. Which was fine by me.

Mrs is starting her annual month of hell at work. It's only supposed to be a month, but hell actually starts in January. By the time it's all over it really is more like 4 months of hell. The official start of the event is this coming weekend. Which means a month of very PMS like conditions in pluff land. Yay and stuff. Mrs is the type who can't leave work at work. She has to bring it home with her. And I don't mean actually bringing home stuff to do. I mean the stress and worry. I guess it isn't that unusual. Personally, I try very hard to leave work things at work. Even horrible things. Days where I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and quit. I would say 99% of the time Mrs has no clue what my day is like. Conversely, I know EXACTLY how her day was 99% of the time. I'm not complaining. It's just a comment on the different way we each handle stress. I learned long ago to separate work and home. She hasn't. I just wish she would see that every year she goes through the same thing, and every year she does a tremendous job overcoming adversity and getting it done. I think if she did, she would learn to relax, handle the situation, and let it go. Until then, it's like a solid month of PMS.

I have had a few interesting conversations with S. Well... not interesting in that I see mischief in my future. Quite the contrary, I'm learning a lot about the psyche of S and I think it's safe to say she's all talk. Which is a damned shame because I really think I'd like to get her on all fours while I... eh well. I think the reality, even if it were to come to pass, would be she has WAY too much... baggage. I don't mean in the sense of her past... but more that she's developed a certain... mind-set, expectations if you will, about every aspect of life. I think she would fall into cliched behavior and ultimately would be a royal pain in the ass. For example, as I have stated previously, we participate in competitve shooting. She called me after her last match to tell me how "out of sorts" she was. That she and her ex had a routine before every match and because they aren't together it messed up her routine and had her out of sorts. Which tells me a lot about her. A) she looks for excuses B) she doesn't own up to her behavior and actions C) she's VERY co-dependant D) she's insecure in spite of a strong outward appearance. Shooting is a simple sport. You aim, you pull the trigger. Everything else is a distraction. But most importantly, anything else you think of is YOUR problem. No one is forcing you to think about how much you miss your boyfriend, how it's all someone else's fault you yanked the trigger and the shot wide. I could go on and on about the Zen of shooting. My point is, that one little statement tells me a ton about not only her shooting game, but as it involves her romantic interests, about her relationships as well.

Having said all of that, if she showed up at my hotel room in a pink teddy, thong, and stilletos.... oh I'd do her! I am a pig after all!

uhharrEED RED WIIINE

Imagine me sitting at my desk at home on the verge of drunk singing UB40 at the top of my lungs. At least thats how I see myself at the moment.

It's late. I'm working. Fucking congress and their stupid DST change! Though, the work I'm doing at the moment has nothing to do with DST. Having said that, my work will most likely end around the time of the DST switch. I have been ordered to report the status of one of my systems at that time to management. Here's the best part. It's an e-mail system. EMAIL system?! What does it matter if the time doesn't change right? It's not like it's navigating a slingshot orbitital launch to mars and requires split second accuracy. No my work at the moment is watching cyber water boil. 10 seconds of actual work followed by at least an hour and a half of waiting, a good portion of which is spent waiting for the slightest sign the system is doing something at all.

But I digress. In spite of my job and upper management's amazing ability to overreact to a minor problem, I'm in a trance of contentedness. I'm actually not drunk at the moment. Though I did just pour myself a glass of wine, my state cannot be attributed to intoxication.


My day has really been a mostly uneventful one. I had another belt test today. It wasn't nearly as physically demanding as the last. I passed (never a moment's doubt). I also got an invitation to join the upper ranks in a quasi-secretive club. I say quasi-secretive because, we all know of it's existence. It is even referenced frequently. But try to get any information about it. It's kind of like the Masons. You know they exist. But try to get information about meetings or rituals. Membership is by invitation only and I got a formal invitation from the instructor grading me today. I'm not really excited about it though. From where I sit, it seems to be a good way to get more fees out of me. But we'll see. In a nutshell the test was more like a really stressful workout... just with a lot of people. So many people I was bumping into them left and right. Then I went home.... and layed around for a while... ate a little dinner... wrestled with C a little bit... played a little Madden. Surfed a little porn.

It hit me how contented I feel right now when I looked in on C. I finished the 10 seconds of work, waited impatiently for some sign things were going well. Once I saw activity and relaxed I made my decision to get a little wine... scratch that.. I decided to go downstairs and get... something. C's door is beside the stairs. I pushed it open. You have to see her room, it is 100% a girls room. Everything is pink. She even has this low wattage pink lamp on her night stand. At night, her room glows almost as if lit by candlelight minus the flickering. C lay neatly tucked under her covers (usually she looks like she got the wrong end of a stampede), her little head turned towards the lamp. The subtle hues of pink and amber glowed on her perfect little cheek. Her expression was one of innocent bliss. I couldn't help myself. I just stood and stared at the little wonder that is my daughter.

For that moment, I realized everything is perfect. I'm in a beautiful house. I feel good. My sweet angel is lying blissfully unaware of the horrors of life. Sure I'm awake at some ungodly hour working instead of having monkey sex with any one of my lusts. But really, is it all that bad? Nah.

Of course I may sing a completely different tune in 25 minutes.

OK. Jimmy Stuart mode off.

Bad Dreams.. Bad Mojo

I had a dream a few weeks ago. I considered it very disturbing at the time and opted to let it stew for a while. Perhaps to mull it over for some kind of meaning. I'm sure everyone (or maybe I'm just a closet psychopath) has dreams with at least elements like these. This dream had characteristics of other dreams I have had through out my life. But it was a) the people involved b) the subject matter and c) the ultimate outcome (read violence) that raised this one to disturbing levels. I still haven't discovered the meaning if any. I'm going to "air it out" so to speak to hopefully "purge" it.

I'm not sure of the set up, only that I was in a strange house, or at least a house I'm not familiar with in real life. The house belonged to one of the many women I lust after on a regular basis and in fact one I have talked about here. C was there. I had the impression she was there as some part of normal life. I.e. I wasn't with Mrs (though I don't know why in the dream) and C was just... there. Maybe Mrs and I were divorced. Most importantly, she was there with me. As in, the object of my lust was not her mother. C was in another room. My object de lust (I'll shorten to ODL for this story) and I were in a somewhat romantic state. The dream wasn't explicit, but we were about to engage in some kind of sexual activity. ODL excused herself for a second. This is where it gets disturbing. From the other room, I hear a commotion. A lot of noise, yelling, and screaming. I ran into the room to find ODL screaming at C and repeatedly slapping her in the face. C screaming because she was being slapped. My impression was that C had committed some kind of guest foul only a small child would do. Spilled something. Knocked over something. Whatever the offense, while it was something she should've been more careful to avoid, it happens often enough in my house I would simply admonish her and clean it up. ODL's reaction was so over the top I was in a state of shock for a split second. Then I went into full on protecting my cub mode. I launched myself at ODL body blocking her to the ground. I landed straddling her in full mount (sitting atop her stomach/chest for those who aren't UFC or Jiu Jitsu fans). I threw everything I have ever learned in all my years taking karate out the window. I threw punch after punch. It is weird the details you notice in dreams. I could actually feel bone connecting with bone as each punch landed. C was still shrieking. I don't know if it was still from the shock of being hit, or because her Daddy was pummeling someone. I remember thinking, I don't feel anything breaking... I should stop before I do real damage. Then it was over. I grabbed C and stormed out of the house. Another weird detail. I could feel the warmth of her tears on my shoulder. ODL's house was a part of a whole family compound. It was very farm like. The only road out led to her parent's house. I don't know where my vehicle was. We walked. As we approached their house, some kind of event was taking place; a parade maybe. The crowd and route funneled us into a set of buildings. ODL's Dad met us. I wasn't sure if he knew what happened and I was pretty leary. He led us to an out building. Turns out it was a "kids" playroom/house/building. Every room was filled with toys. But they were all old. As if they were left over from kids who were long grown up. We went from room to room. C played with some of the toys. The Dad told me stories of the children who used to play there. I don't remember the stories now or even know if there were actual stories being told, or just noise from the Dad I interpreted as being some amusing little anecdote. Either way, we made our way through the remainder of the rooms in the building in a maze like manner. Finally we emerged onto a downtown street in a small town. The details are fuzzy and irrelevant from here.

So what the hell was this dream telling me? A validation of the parent/child protective instinct? That I deep down in my heart and subconscious I would commit violence in a blinding rage to protect my child? I have had dreams of fighting before. I assumed they were normal venting of thoughts in dream form rather than actual. Is my subconscious picking up on some vibe with ODL? Maybe there's an element I'm seeing as abusive in the right context. All sugary on the outside but if you set her off...

When I break it down into elements, several of them bother me by themselves. A) someone is abusing MY child... not theirs.. not some strange kid.. MY child. The mere thought resonates deep within my psyche. My protective hackles rise even writing this. B) The level of violence and details. I've had dreams of fighting. I've had the "no matter how hard you hit it doesn't phase them type", the "superhuman ego building knock them out with 1 punch type". The "someone pissed me off for real and I get to smack them in the mouth kind". But never with a woman. In the past, I can visualize connecting with whoever I was fighting. The feel of fist on flesh. But something was more... vivid this time. I could almost visualize the tissue crushing on impact. The capillaries breaking, bruise forming, bone crunching bone. There was also a level of... primitive fury. Most dreams of fighting are more technical. I may fight in anger but I'm in full on karate mode. Overhand right followed by round kick to head. Controlled. In this dream, it was just blind fury and rage. You'll never see the body block I did ever taught in a karate class. For those of you who have ever seen a UFC fight, picture Big John McCarthy (a referee) when a fighter is knocked out literally throwing himself at the winner tackling them to prevent any further injury to the fighter who went out. No style. No grace. Just knocking them off of their opponent. Forcefully. Once I knocked her down, I don't even remember the details of her face. Just pummeling as fast and as hard as I could. I remember the feeling of not caring what her face looked like. I only felt blinding rage. C) That it was ODL. Someone I find very attractive. Someone who I might actually try to create an opening or at least circumstances with opportunity. If the opportunity led to anything I would most probably pursue. Why her? Was she just a character of convenience. Someone who fit the circumstances of the dream. Someone I know... perhaps am intimate with (in the dream) who would test my resolve to protect my child? When I woke up I had a lingering sense of mistrust. But was that a result of the dream? Or the cause of the dream?

I haven't really trusted my gut on this one. I'm not sure after writing it all down I have any better understanding either. Maybe it is for me to decide the meaning. That C is the most important thing in my life and if it means protecting her, I will become a monster. That doesn't ring true any more than I am a monster by nature, or that ODL is. I think it's the reality I choose for this though.

Busy Busy Busy

The last week or two have flown by in a flurry of nothing and everything. I guess if I really focus on what I spent my time doing I can come up with... stuff. For example, I bought some parts for one of my antique guns. I spent almost a whole day the weekend before this past sanding, staining, fucking up, sanding, starting over, fucking up again but not so bad, finishing blah blah. It sort of spilled over into the week so that I spent at least an hour putting another coat of finish or sanding or something.

I have my next belt test in karate this coming weekend. I always feel like I'm walking into final exams in college without studying when I go to one of those. Last week I worked out 4 days and ran 1. Of the 4, I doubled up on of the days... i.e. I worked out at lunch, then went to class after work.

Over the weekend I shot in a match. As I am now part of the set up/tear down crew I went to the range Friday after work to set things up. Then I had to be there at some God awful time Saturday morning to finish. Then Mrs and I went to a Mardi Gras party Sat. night.

A lot of nothing and everything all at once.

I discovered something interesting on the salacious front. I spent a lot of time with S Saturday. S has been laying it on pretty thick. We have a couple of out of town shoots coming up, one where it will be just the two of us from this neck of the woods. For at least a good portion of the day Saturday, the porn reel in my head was in full swing. At one point we were joking about someone coming up behind her and putting their hands on her shoulders (I don't remember the context). You had to see how the conversation took place. It was between shooters while we were resetting the stage. So people would get in 1 sentence before wandering off to do something. S and I were running the stage at that particular point. All of the people carrying on the conversation were wandering by us. In other words, she and I were kind of the central characters in the thread and everyone sort of orbited around us (because it is all about us after all). Right after the comment about the hands on shoulders we were alone. I said something like "Wouldn't you be shocked if my hands suddenly appeared from under your arms" and made the motion to grab her tits. I quickly followed up with "Of course I bet I'd catch an elbow to the nose immediately after". She shot back "No... I think I'd have to push my butt back" and she bent over just a tiny bit.

Like I said, little comments like that had the reel in continous loop. Then I started watching her with other guys. It seems pretty much like the standard fare for any guy. Which is a little dissapointing. I think the reel in my head is as close as I could ever get to getting somewhere. Ultimately, I'm betting the trips out of town will be a lot of shit talking... but that's it. It's still fun.

The Mardi Gras party was a huge letdown. Everyone left by midnight. Just a couple of us hung around later. One woman was from Poland. What.. a.... major... BITCH! I don't hold it against Pol's in general. But she was a complete bitch. She started a religious argument. Her style of arguing is to cut people off until her point is the only one made. Finally, as there were only 4 people left, Mrs and I decided it was time to go. We all stood around saying goodbyes in the door.. doing hugs and all. Ms. Bitch shouted from the back "Let's MOOOVE!!" I looked at the hostess and said "Well, I guess it's time for us to leave". As we walked to the car, I looked back to see Ms. Bitch standing right where we were just chatting away clearly forgetting whatever was so important as to shout at us.

By the time we got home, I was exhausted. Full day of shooting. The party. Mrs was really horny. I wasn't sure whether or not I could.. er.. perform. I was only 1/2 interested. But I did. The one good thing about being tired is I went... and went... and went. I had a good porn moment where Mrs was on all fours and I was pumping my cock into her from behind. She started cumming and I was no where close. So I get right on. She came and started to collapse. I grabbed her hips and slowed down grinding into her. I felt her juices running down my balls. She grabbed the head board while wave after wave of her orgasm shook her entire body. I sped up causing her to cry out. I went faster until our bodies were slamming together. She put her head down and grabbed fistfuls of bedsheets. Her final orgasm was a muffled scream into the pillow sending me over the edge pumping load after load into her pussy.

I wasn't drunk. But I honestly don't remember what happened after that. I'm pretty sure I passed out just from sheer exhaustion. The next morning, early... too early, my eyes popped open. I hate it when I want to sleep late, but can't. I picked up a book and 1/2 read it. After a while Mrs rolled over pushing her way under the book. The next thing I knew, her mouth was on my cock. She only played long enough to get me somewhat hard. She slid up my body and took my cock. I was content to just lay back and let her do her thing. She went slow. Grinding down taking me as deep as she could with each stroke. I felt the juices running from her pussy and new she was getting close to cumming. She bent forward pressing her body against mine. She lifted her legs on top of mine so that she was touching my body from head to toe... well.. at least her head to toe (I'm much taller). She began to shake. Her breath caught in her throat. She squeezed her legs together so they were now between mine clenching her pussy around my cock. Finally, she threw her legs back around me grinding me cock as deep as she could as she came. At this point, I was rock hard. I rolled her to her back and with long slow deep thrusts fucked her properly. We both came in a tangle of limbs and hair, breath and sweat.

Strangely enough, I fell back asleep almost immediately after. Who needs a damned ambien!!