New Lie

Recently I can't stand the thought of Mrs touch. Not that she's physically repulsive. Quite the opposite. It's not that her personality is repugnant. It's the thought that she wants my intimacy. Something I just can't muster for her right now.

While I'm currently helpless to my addiction to the thought (clearly not reality) of being with Sandy. I recognize how destructive our relationship is. Acknowledgement is only one of the first of many steps. And frankly, my heart hasn't been broken enough to move on to other steps just yet. Also, I've made a deal with the devil, I need her for purely platonic reasons. Like it or not, she's in my life for at least another 10 months.

It is well documented in this blog I haven't felt the same passionate love towards Mrs she feels towards me. I've tried for all of the years I've been blogging to fill that void with playmates. Anything to feel something other than monotony. But always, I have been able to at least give her physical intimacy if not emotional. Why now, after all this time, am I repulsed by the thought of her touch?

Der.. clearly Sandy. I'm not willing to recognize her as the direct cause. But more of catalyst. Let's face it. I've been hunting pretty hard all these years for something.. anything. What happens if a play partner becomes more serious? If Sandy weren't in the picture at all, would it be possible I would one day sit in the same spot I'm in now. Feeling like I just can't take another minute. I can honestly answer yes to that question. Perhaps it's part of my anger issues. The helpless feeling I'm in a life I don't want. Perhaps even feeling guilt for wanting a different life I don't deserve.

Tuesday night we spent the evening in separate rooms. I washed the nasty clothes from the weekend at the match, cleaned house for the 4th, watched a little tv etc. Around 11pm I started watching a movie on my Macbook. Mrs came to bed. I noticed she had on one of her fuck me teddies. I continued to watch the movie as she climbed in bed. She rolled over and rested her head on my shoulder.

It wasn't like I didn't feel anything at all. I felt disgust. Physically turned off by her touch. I tried to hide my body language. I guess I was somewhat successful because she stayed.

The movie had a fair amount of sexual content. There were a couple of scenes bordering on pornographic (hell yeah btw). Mrs was watching right along. I had earphone in so she couldn't hear the context of the scene. At some point I realized, without the audio, she would be watching extremely erotic images. NOT something I wanted. I yawned loudly, put the laptop up, and rolled over to go to sleep.

She wrapped herself around me. I was facing away. She pulled me towards her. I just couldn't do it. I wrapped my arms around her, buried my head low against her chest and tried to lay still.

After a few minutes, she rolled over and turned the light off. I was so relieved.

Then, she jumped out of bed, turned the light on and demanded "What the fuck is going on??? Why won't you have sex with me anymore? Am I fat? Am I too old? What is wrong with me???" She started crying.

"Nothing! I'm just really fucking tired" was all I could come up with. It's so cliche but it really IS me. Not her. But there's no way in hell she would ever believe that.

She continued "You haven't had sex with me in weeks. Why???" Again I responded "I've just been so fucking tired lately. So much on my mind. Work. Shooting. I just don't have the energy".

She wouldn't let it go. Finally, she climbed in bed.

At this point I was overwhelmed with guilt. And I committed the ultimate lie. I fucked her. In my mind it was to put aside her fears. But in reality, I know it was to try to ease my own guilt.

Years ago, when I my first wife and I were separated, we ended up in bed together. We separated for a few months. At first we didn't see each other at all other than to deal with mail or payments. But after a few months we decided the right thing to do was to get together and maybe try to work it out. We went on a few dates. The nights always ended awkwardly. A kiss. Maybe more. But it was mechanical. Void of emotion. One night, we kissed, then more. She asked if I wanted to spend the night. I said yes. We went to bed. We went through the motions of sex. It was the most awkward thing I've ever done. After, I felt dirty. Like it was only consensual in that it was what we were supposed to do, not what we wanted to do. That was the last time we had sex. And the last date we had.

Sex with Mrs felt just as mechanical. Purely physical. Void of emotion or desire. I don't know if she felt it too.

In my heart, I know this is between me and Mrs. I know if I were to divorce Mrs tomorrow, Sandy would not be there. But I feel like I'm at a breaking point. But what if this is all a big mistake? What if I leave and realize I can't live without her. My judgement and feelings were clouded by irrelevant bullshit. There are some things you just can't take back. Based on my experience. Separation is one of those. Especially considering how insecure Mrs is. Any time I left town for business, or shooting, or fishing with my Dad I know she would question whether I would come back.

Gah this is all self-serving bullshit. I'm just spouting out of my ass. I don't know. Closing comments.

Yeah not so much.

When I last posted, Sandy and I kind of wiped the line in the sand away.

She was preparing to go to a big match. I really wanted to go but had a conflict and couldn't. There were tons of things she needed to do to get her gear together. I was helping her almost every night. Almost every night we would drink and get things would get flirty.

One particular night, it didn't take very long to do whatever it was she needed. She offered me a drink. I declined. She made me one any way. Then she started drinking from a flask. She would slam one back. Then hand it to me. I said "Hang on.. before we get drunk I want to do something". I leaned over and started to kiss her. She froze. Face to face, mouths almost touching, I asked "Why do you have to get drunk before you'll kiss me?" Then she kissed me.

The conversation went from there. She would slam back something. I kept trying to refuse. She would stick the flask in my hand anyway. Same old conversation. I'm attracted but.. I just want to have fun... You can't handle just having fun. Finally I said, do you want to have fun? Let's go right now.

She asked "Do you have condom?". In my truck I replied. I went to get it. When I got back in the house, I took her hand and led her to her bedroom. She said "This is going to complicate things". I said "They've been complicated in case you haven't noticed". I started taking her clothes off.

At first she hesitated. Then she let me peel her dress off. I took my shirt off. Then my pants. I unsnapped her bra and pulled it of. Gently, I pushed her back to the bed. My mouth went to hers. She seemed very nervous. I drifted my mouth along her neck, to her nipples. She tensed. I kissed and played for a few minutes. Then I started down. When I reached her panties I peeled them off. Again, at first she seemed reluctant. I said "I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to". Then she relaxed and let me peel them off.

I started kissing her thighs moving closer and closer. She put her hands down and pulled my face to her. As I started up, she put her knees together so I was basically blocked. Again I said "I'm not going to do anything you don't want". She parted her thighs and I moved to her.

I still had my underwear on. I kissed her. Her thighs were clamped firmly to my hips. I asked "Are you ok?". She didn't answer. I looked at her and said "Do you want this?". She said "I am overwhelmed with guilt".

And I stopped.

Since then I have no clue what the hell is going on. Sometimes she's business like and it's like nothing ever happened. Then one night she agreed to go to dinner. We had a few drinks. Then it was like we were an old couple out on a date. Wonderful.

Over the weekend we travelled to a match together. I booked a room a long time ago, back when she was barely talking to me. I didn't think she was going. The hotel only had a king bed available. Later, when she decided to go I told her what I had. We were still planning to be in the room together.

We checked into the hotel. Did the match stuff. Went to dinner and had a couple of drinks. Got back to the room. She went in the bathroom and changed into yoga pants and a t-shirt. I changed into a pair of shorts. When I climbed into bed, she turned the light off and scooted as far across the bed as possible turning her back to me.

The rest of the weekend was more of the same. At the match, we hung out with all of the usuals. Or rather, she did. IF I happened to see where she went then I could catch up and hang out.

A couple of things were going on. First, there is another shooter there who is a world class competitor. He's older. Married. Several times he sat down next to her and they talked. Her hand would go to his leg. His arm. I was sitting right there thinking WTF.

THEN... and this is the huge one... THEN... he gets on the phone. Our sport is a very small sport. But with recent shows on TV about shooting we've attracted a few celebrities. There is a very famous Country star, think SEVERAL top 10 hits. Taken a CMA or 2. He was on the other end of the phone.

The guys looks at Sandy and said "He wants to talk to you".

Fucker asked her to be his date on the 4th. What... The... Fuck... How the hell do you possibly compete with that. I mean seriously.

She said at first she wasn't going. Then she said it would depend on if she could get a flight. Which to me means she's going on a fucking date with a Country star.

There's more.. I probably really fucked things up last night. We didn't get back from the match until around 3:30am. Around 2am we got into it in the car. Like she unloaded on me a while back. I unloaded on her. So yeah I've got that going for me. Uncorked on her... AND she's probably going out with a Country star... FUCKING STAR...

Officially Complicated

There's a line in the sand between us. One of us will reach out with our toe and wipe it clean. Take a step forward or backward and redraw the line. Since we had the heart to heart, bitch out, whatever you want to call it. The line has moved frequently. Last night it was almost obliterated. It's still there. But it's safe to say there isn't much left of it.

For now, it's nice.

Uh oh..

"I will hug you *bonk* and squeeze you *bonk* and call you George.. *bonk bonk*"

Per usual this got much longer winded than I intended. My real point is towards the bottom.

Sandy told me she and the ex-bf hooked up. I got pissed. I didn't say anything. Just looked at my watch and said "I have to go". She said "you're pissed". I said "No, really I have to go". Which was true. It was very late. She kept after me. Finally I said "It's clear you can never do the one thing I asked". She said what's that. I replied "Just fucking talk to me" and left.

The next day was the go-live of the biggest project I've worked on since I've been here. I just got a bonus for my work on this project. We hired and trained 50 people to go out into the enterprise and sit with areas to help them. We built a command center and staffed it with another 40 people to field trouble calls. That's close to 100 people prepared for this one day.

I sat at my desk waiting for problems thinking about Sandy and how pissed off I was. I wrote the last post. Still pissed off. My phone rang. The old me would've ignored her. The newer me is trying to control my anger and not take rash actions. I answered the phone. She called to wish me luck on the big day. I thanked her and tried to force myself to ask what she was doing blah blah. But inside I was fuming.

The big day was a dud... in a good way. No major problems for the project. Nothing at ALL for my group's part. I knew if we did our job it would be a non-event. It was (why I get paid the big bucks.. yeaaahh.. *snark*).

Sandy didn't call at all on Friday. We were supposed to go to a match together Saturday and I was wrestling with what to do. On one hand I was fucking pissed. On the other I need her to help me with my big match next year. Back on the first hand I asked her over and over what changed and she flat out lied... on the other I went down the road of telling her to fuck off and hated myself for 2 years.

Mrs, C, and I went to dinner. I knew Sandy would call about the match. Sure as shit she called just as we sat down. I couldn't take the call. I sent her a txt and said "At dinner, I'm on for tomorrow. Will call you in an hour".

An hour later I called. No answer. Another hour I called no answer. She usually hangs out at a community party down by the water on Fridays with her family and some friends. It wasn't surprising me she didn't answer. I texted her "I'll be at your house at 715 unless I hear otherwise". Another hour and no answer. I was about to say "Fuck that I don't want to assume.. I need a yes or no" when she replied with "Ok".

The next day I picked her up. I really didn't know what to say to her. I didn't say much. We rode in near silence for about an hour. About 1/2 way there we started talking about the big match and our conversations were somewhat normal. We got to the range and, of course, all the guys flocked to her. It was actually kind of comical because she couldn't even get out of the car because the guys were literally in the way.

I grabbed my stuff and headed towards the registration area. I really needed to talk to someone about the big match. I have not seen them in about 6 months. He was actually there that day. I ran over to chat with him. Sandy came up beside me. We talked business for a bit. Someone came up and interupted us. We went to register.

After paying our fees etc, Sandy and I walked back to our gear. I can't remember what it was she said but I quipped at her. Some semi-sarcastic response. Nothing I haven't said a hundred times to her before. She said "why so mean?" I quipped "The day ain't over and I'm sure I have way more mean things". She walked in front of me and said "Look... the ex-Bf thing... it was a one time thing... it was a mistake.. I didn't count that as things changing".

It was a little awkward getting into this on the range. I said "First, you lied to me. I asked you time and time again what was up. You looked me in the eye and flat LIED. Secondly, really?? You want to do this here and now??" So we got into it. She went off. I went off. We tried to keep it quiet and cheerful on the outside. I knew people knew we were getting into it though. Several people were walking towards us and decided to go somewhere else. She lit into me about how I always hold everything she says against her and how she feels like she can't have a conversation because I'm just going to throw something back at her she said 2 years ago. She said that's why she doesn't feel like she can talk to me. I said "this is the most honest conversation I've had with you in 5 years. Why the hell do you have to wait until we're standing here in front of everyone to have it? If you had said all of this in pieces all along we wouldn't be at this point right here".

I'm not really sure we got anywhere because really how far could I go with an argument with people around? She said her piece. I said mine. Nothing much else to do. We shot the match.

It turned into a really long day. The guy organized it really poorly by his own admission. We finally got things moving. But it was VERY late before we finished. Then one of the people helping us next year wanted to grab lunch. It was 4pm before we finally headed back.

I waited until we were about an hour out. She said "What's on your mind". I replied "I really want to ask you something, but I'm tired of fighting". Then about 5 minutes later because I can't help myself... "All those times when something was obviously up.. why the hell couldn't you just tell me what was going on?" She told me the whole story about her ex-bf and what happened. It was a conversation. Not mad. Not arguing. Obviously she still had feelings for him. And, btw, this is/was their pattern. Break up for 3-4 months. Get back together. So it wasn't unsurprising. And while we talked she would say "But I wanted to be with him, and he would hem and haw and not give me anything".. I interrupted and said "Ok.. so you felt like he wouldn't commit or even acknowledge... so you can understand MY feelings, you and I would push things, but then you would act like nothing happened or feed me what felt like lines of bullshit.. a lot like you feel about him". On and on.

That whole hour ended up being about perception. How she perceived things. How I perceived things. How she could understand why I would see things that way.

Not much else for that day. I left dropped her off. We talked some more. We fell back into the old "us". Sitting on the couch. Drinking. Talking about stuff. Busting each other's balls.

Monday we talked briefly while C was at her violin lesson. I couldn't talk long so I told her I would call her later. Mrs went out for the girls night around 8:30. I called her up. We were just shooting the shit. Then she asked "general question... you don't have to answer.. but you told me you loved Mrs, but not the way you should". Wasn't really a "question" per se. But we started talking again. At one point her Ex bf came up. I said "look.. first off I don't hate him (she told me I did). I don't hate anybody. In a weird way, at one point when I thought you were feeding me BS and not giving me answers, I actually thought maybe I had it wrong. He wasn't willing to commit to you because he was getting the same bad vibes I was". Then she said "You know he's going to be at XX match (one coming up in 2 weeks.. she will be there and I can't)"

I was pretty sure I knew he was going. I'm pretty sure she's going because he is.. or at least back when everyone signed up for this match months ago. I said "look.. let's try this again... you two have a pattern.. I get it. (she's protesting the entire time I'm saying this). Let's just say for a minute you're wrong about his other woman. It's a whole misunderstanding. He comes up to you and is all 'baby baby you have it wrong.. I love you we shouldn't be doing this' and you get together. For the love of God just tell me something changed with you" Then I added "Because I feel like a complete idiot when I have and act on our relationship and feelings and it turns out he's right back in your life again... not to mention we're all playing a game with guns.... I'd really like to not get shot". She's adamant it's over.

So to get ready for this match coming up, she needs a lot of help with her rifle. We went to the range yesterday. What a clusterfuck. We had to stand around cowering under a shelter when a sudden, violent thunderstorm came up. It was raining so hard you couldn't even see our targets and equipment. We didn't leave the range until 8pm. Mrs and C were out. I needed food. We went to this little bar.

We started talking again. BTW, this is where the real point of this post is. We started talking about our 2 year hiatus. Apparently, none of the core group of people we know would talk to her. I was mortified. I said "I never ever intended for anyone to shun you or hurt you. I just had to back away because my feelings were too strong and it was making me full of self doubt and self loathing. I never meant for you to be hurt". She said "Yeah you did".

At one point I actually tried to initiate a conversation with her. She blew off a couple of parties we were both going to. It did not go unnoticed by people. I tried to say "Look.. I don't want to come between you and friends... I'll just not go to these". But she would never respond so I never had the conversation.

But there it was. Stab in the chest. She really thinks I set out to shun her from our friends.

I started thinking... did I? I replayed conversations I had with people. Because they did ask. And as much as I tried they kept after me. I would tell them things like "well.. I was helping her every day with this and that and it was going to lead me towards a divorce. I had to step away" because I had nothing else I could really come up with. But was I subconsciously "putting the hex on her"? Putting out my anger and, in fact, turning people against her?

Which lead me to other conversations and times I got angry with her. For example, a few years ago, before the hiatus, there was a match in Fl. I asked Sandy if she wanted to go. She said she did. You have to send your applications in together if you want to shoot together. I waited and waited. She wouldn't commit. Finally I said fuck it and sent mine in. Then she sort of acted like she wanted to go. She hemmed and hawed. Typical Sandy in my mind. Ultimately she didn't go. I went by myself. NO ONE I knew went. It was a meh weekend. Then not 2 weeks later, I found out AFTER the fact, she went to another match with one of my good friends. So in MY mind she was willing to go to this match with him, but not me and I actually committed time and a lot of $$ to get stood up. Fuck her right?

It came up last night. She said "Like that time you got so pissed at me because I wouldn't go to Fl with you". Then she went on to say "I couldn't afford to go to that match. But the other one, we did it in 1 day. We drove there. Shot. Drove home. It was horrible. 10 hours of driving. 12 hours of shooting. We were dead. I did it that way because I couldn't afford hotel etc. that it required to go with you".

Hmm.. ok there are 2 sides to that. First, I had no clue she was going until AFTER the fact. So it looked to me like she just blew me off for someone else. BUT.. I started thinking. Did she know I would've been pissed about her going with him? Was she afraid to say anything and that's why I found out after? Is it possible she's right. All this time. In all of these years. My old nemesis anger has poisoned this relationship??

What about now? Am I holding onto what I want so tightly I'm squeezing the oxygen right out of it? Did I in fact poison all of these people who knew her for so long before me with MY anger? Fuuuu...ck

I'm going to admit the thought has kind of turned me a little sideways today. Clearly Mrs doesn't deserve to be hurt. But I can't help my feelings. There are days when I just want to be anywhere else.

Then all along I have seen Sandy as hurting me when maybe... it has been the other way around and I'm too stupid and arrogant to realize it??

Yuuuuuup

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

Sandy has been after me to post some stuff for sale for her. She doesn't feel comfortable because the guys can be kind of ruthless sometimes. I went over to her house to take pictures of the stuff.

Nothing intense. No innuendos or anything like that. The only moment in question was, while eating dinner she put her foot on my chair in my crotch. But that was it. After taking the pictures we were talking about things coming up. Matches. Things she wants me to do to help her. I don't remember exactly how it came up in conversation. But I was busting her balls about how she is so flighty about things. Especially when it comes to my help. I said "You could always get your ex-bf to do it". She said "The Ex-BF and I got back together for a bit. But it turns out he has been seeing this other woman with 2 kids".

Woah.. stop.. hold the fucking phone. It all makes sense now. And I'm fucking PISSED. 1/2 the posts on the first page of this blog are me telling her, wanting her to just be honest with me. I've asked her time and time again, what changed? Something is up? And I get accused of being a girl. Now it turns out I was right all along and she was pulling her usual shit.

And so now that he fucked her over, she's calling me 2-3 times a day. Laying out the innuendos. For a period of time she was all over me about shooting matches with her, being her shooting buddy etc. But for months she wouldn't commit to anything. Because of who she is and who she knows she can pretty much get her way with any match out there. People like me, not so much. These things are so competitive to get into, I have to be ready to get my app in the mail the second it's available and hope it gets to the people in charge fast enough that I don't get wait listed. Here she is not giving me answers about matches, but wishy washy about whether she's going. Now I get it. All because her fucking ex-BF hadn't committed to these things. She put ME on fucking hold.

I honestly don't know what to do. I need her on one hand to help me with my big event. Or do I? Can I just walk away from it ALL? Shooting. Being the guy in charge. All of it?

Fucking people sometimes!!

Babble on brook.. er. Brooke..

Woah.. It's been a while. Ton's of things going on. So much to discuss.. so little time. Beware... this started off clear, concise and to the point but ended up rambling. I don't really have time to clean it up and put it back to coherent. So.. consider the following a stream of conscious blabber.

First, as I mentioned a post or two ago I'm getting more and more active on twtr and less and less on here. The quick blurb and immediate interaction just seems to fit my ADD so much better these days. Having said that, I find it really difficult for me, and my mouthiness, to stay within the char. limitations of teh twitter. So on one hand I feel more "online" there. On the other, it's like I never really say anything at all.

Also giving tumbler a try. But honestly, I just don't get it. Sure I can reblog other people's stuff. But it just seems so.. lazy to do so. Also, I find the UI unbelievably confusing. You can only do certain things from the dashboard. But other things I can't find at all. Like replying to a comment.

Life is turning a little bit sideways. Mrs and her boss are not getting along at all. Fast history. Mrs has been at her job for about 15 years. While her position on the ladder has remained steady, her duties have increased to be more like management. Last year, her boss quit. She was in charge of their largest annual money maker. For a period of time, she also had the duties of acting management. She applied for the job. Even pitched combining positions to save money. And they passed her over. Turns out, her big event brought in the most money ever.

Fast forward a year later, she has a new boss. Got passed over. Her boss is a workaholic. No kids or family. We have a child. This year, we had an unbelievable opportunity to send C to a gifted and talented school. It is ranked in the top 10 elementary schools in the country. The down side, we had to switch a month into the current school year and it's 15 miles on the wrong side of town. It put us in an unbelievable schedule strain.

We only have 3 weeks of the school year remaining. And her boss decided to write her up for "performance" and other things related to dealing with C's schedule. All of which are completely untrue. All of her reviews are excellent. She has exceeded each deadline and task expectations. She was blindsided. I've never seen her this upset before. She is beating every bush she can to get the hell out of there. As her husband I am unbelievably pissed at the complete stab in the back. First, she sets records for income and they pass her over. Then, she goes for 8 months of a school year dealing with a difficult situation while still doing her job, and they write her up with only 3 weeks to go. In the 9 years prior of C's life, we've never had issues with scheduling like we've had this year. And we won't again. Next year, we won't be changing schools in mid-year. We can set up all of the after school programs we weren't eligible for this year.

My work has been completely understanding and helpful. My boss and his boss pulled me aside and said "we understand how tough this opportunity is. Bring C here after school if you need to for this year". They went so far as to re-iterate their support knowing what Mrs' company is doing to her.

Aside from that stress, things are great. The project I've been working on for a year is slated to go-live Thursday. Things are going so well my boss pulled me into a meeting under the guise of discussing some architectural changes to the system. In actuality, it was a meeting with upper management to give me a bonus. Nothing earth shattering from a $$ stand point. I've been here for 20 years and I've never heard of ANYONE ever getting a bonus. I'm sure it has happened. But because we are government I'm sure it's rare. It's the gesture that's important to me. The last couple of years I've felt lost here. This says to me I'm back where I need to be.

Then there's Sandy. I just don't get that girl. In the past 4 months, I have done everything to keep it all business with her. I need her for my sport and the championship next year. But as I skimmed over the spotty posts over the last few months, I kind of realized I skipped a lot. Long and short, back in the fall she made a move to come back into my life. I held off. Then I thought things were different so I pushed forward. She pulled the same old shit where she gives me the go-way/come here game. I decided it wasn't for me any more and just quit chasing her.

I knew the local governing body of my redneck games were going to ask me to run another championship. I'm not going to rehash all of the reasons for my reluctance. But it had to do with "the" incident and a ton of other crap that went down last year. While I don't want a relationship with Sandy at "that" level. She does know how to do the job of helping me with the event. I asked her if she would help. She pulled her usual passive aggressive non-committal crap. I just don't understand how hard can it be to say a simple "YES" or a simple "NO".

By the eve of the meeting when the directors would discuss it, I still didn't have a yes or no from her. So in my mind it was a no. I kind of glossed over how it turned into a "yes" in this post. I was pretty stand offish to her up until that night. A bunch of us ended up going to dinner. I didn't give next year a second thought. I rode with Sandy to dinner for convenience sake. On the way back, one of the other girls in the group joined us (turns out it was to stall Sandy so they could pull a prank on her back where she was staying). On the drive, Sandy asked "So.. what's the deal with next year?"

I decided it was time for put up or shut up. I said "Well.. in my long and frustrating experience with you, if you don't say 'yes' the answer is a passive aggressive 'no'". She said "I never said no". So I laid it out. "Then tell me right now yes or no". She replied with "But I don't know if.." I cut her off with "That's a 'no'". She said "that's not what I said". I challenged "You aren't listening. The only way I'm doing this next year is with you. And you aren't saying yes. So I'M firmly in the no column. Talk to you girls tomorrow". She said "Wait.. ok I'll do it". At this point I was just being a smart ass and frankly, tired of games so I said "That isn't yes. That's other words implying a yes. I need to hear the one word".

She said "Yes".

Ok now she's on board. I went to the directors meeting and told them we would do it again for 2013. I also stipulated that if Sandy backed out and any point, I was out. And I couldn't have any of the people involved from last year.

So what is confusing the shit out of me now (and you knew this was coming). I have been very business like with her. I don't go over to her house. If we have to talk about the event we either do it over the phone, or at lunch. But in the last 3-4 weeks she has been doing her old routine again. Making innuendos. Calling me 2-3 times a day. I rarely call her. She asked me to come over for a drink last week. Things just didn't work out schedule wise and I didn't. Then she tells me one day "I have a whole bottle of scotch at my house just for you but you never drink it".

So she only wants to play a game when I push her away. But as soon as I make a move to her, she does the same old clam up, go away/come hither thing. If I try to ask her what the hell she's doing or wants she just changes the subject.

I'm not going down this road again with her. At some point I'm going to have to put my foot down and tell her it's just business. Period.

Then why ask

I guess it's good in that the things I do to help will be less and less. I don't get why someone asks for help. Then goes around questioning the help behind my back, finally to throw it back at me.

As I said before, I talked Sandy into helping me with my big event next year. The baggage that comes along with that is she asks me to help her with things. Or rather, she complains incessantly until I offer to fix it.

Case in point, I ordered bullets for my redneck sport. And by bullets, I mean the actual projectile. Not what you get in a store, in a shiny box with brass, powder, primer all ready to be loaded into the gun and shot. For our sport, we make our own ammo. It's more cost effective, but more importantly, there are rules specifying how "powerful" your ammunition MUST be. We load our own to insure we meet that requirement. I've seen a lot of people spend a fair amount of money to go to a championship (entry fees in the hundreds, gas, hotel, food) only to have their factory ammunition not make muster.

Politics being what they are, people have hoarded ammunition components and drove the price sky high. Personally, I've been looking towards cheaper alternatives. It came up in conversation with Sandy. She said "Ooh.. if you're ordering add a case for me". I made sure she understood I was ordering a new type of bullet to test out that is significantly cheaper than what we've been using. But the key word is "TEST". She was ok with it.

Bullets came in. I walked in her house, dropped them off, then left. The next weekend she showed up at a match and started bitching becuase these bullets seat differently and they won't fit her gun. Ok.. not a problem.. we just have to just her ammunition makin machine (something she should've done herself).

So I drove over to her house again. We spent some time adjusting, measuring, tweaking etc. etc. While I was there she said, "Hey, take a look at this other machine I have. It's stuck". The machine is used to take previously shot brass cases and return them to factory dimensions. First, it wasn't stuck. She had a "tricep malfunction". Little bit of actual arm and it worked fine. Secondly, the reason she needed so much muscle was because the machine was actually scratching the crap out of the cases.

In my experience, this happens when you use cases made of a certain material. It becomes brittle at the mouth and tiny little almost microscopic pieces flake off. They "stick" to the steel in the machine and scratch the shit out of the brass. Further, it makes it REALLY hard to work the machine because of the increased friction. I've found the best way to deal with it is to use the proper type and amount of lubrication. I went through this with my own machines. It took me months and tons of time online to figure out what was happening. But once I did, I had NO more issues. Zero.

I took it apart, held it to the light, showed her the tiny little pieces stuck on the dies. She said "is it ruined"? I told her no, you can take a dremmel with a felt wheel and gently polish it to get the flakes out. So I did. I tested it. It works fine.

Yesterday, while talking to her about the event, she said "Oh, by the way... I was at #recent industry event# and talked to the owner of the company who makes that and he never heard of what you told me. I also told him you polished it and he almost fainted.

FUCK.. HER. I actually went to the companies own page. On THEIR own product support they discuss exactly what I told and showed her. Not only that, THEIR solution was to put the fucking thing in a LATHE with 400 grit sandpaper and sand it out.

So I'll just check that off of the things I'm willing to help her with. I think I'm up to 3 or 4 things now. Before long, I think I will be back to a net ZERO on the "owe her for helping me" card.

What the hell am I thinking???

Here I go again...

Last weekend I travelled out of town to participate in my sport of the red neck variety. It was our State Championship. It was one really weird, up and down weekend.

I shot on Friday. I felt like I had a pretty decent day. Consistent. No huge mistakes. Usually I can gauge how well I performed by the other people I'm shooting with. However, I was with a group of guys who's abilities were a little below mine. I had no one to gauge how I was stacking up. I knew I beat all of that crowd. Just not how that crowd faired relative the heavy hitters.

Friday night a bunch of us went to dinner. Late in the evening I got an email from the scoring people with my results. I had a 1st, 2nd, 2nd, 5th, 7th, 7th..(woohoo!) basically all but 1 finish were top 10. Only about 1/3 of the competitors had shot. But I happened to know the probable winner had already competed. So I felt pretty good with a 1st place, couple of 2nds etc. I pulled up the overall placings (instead of just mine) to see where I stood. I was expecting top 5 with those results. I was 9th (fuuuuck). I was pretty bummed. I mean, I thought with those places I really should've been up there. In my head I'm thinking "why the hell do I bother.. I mean I did the best I could and it's not even close.."

Once back in the hotel room I started trying to look at my scores more closely to see what went wrong. Where did I screw up? 1st event decent.. 2nd kicked ass.. 3rd bad but not worth a lot of points 4th kicked ass... 5th... 5th... Beuller... where the hell was my 5th event.. OOOOHHHH I was missing a score (happens.. no big deal it would turn up the next day). I grabbed my copy of the score, did the math and with the missing points I was in THIRD freakin place (woohooo)

The next day was a long day of work for the remaining competitors. In my mind I started thinking, I might could pull off the State Championship (the 1st and 2nd place guys were from out of state and don't qualify for that award). I got all dream sequency.. walking up to applause in front of all of my friends being crowned champion. I needed 2 people to have really bad days and it might could happen. Both of those guys came by and I watched them perform where I was working. They kicked ass (fuuuuuuck).

After it was all over I waited for the results to come out to see if I stood a chance or not. After 20 minutes the sheets with scores started trickling out. I took a look. I got one of them in this event.. he got me in another.. I had both of them here.. they squeaked by me there... ooooohhhh they both screwed up royally on one... I might... just maybe.. did I pull it off??

Then came an annoucement. "Folks, there is a huge problem with the scoring program. We won't be able to get results today. We're going to have to start over to get rid of corruption in the database. A lot of the scores you see are way off" (FUUUUUUUCKKK)

So yeah the weekend was like "meh.. WOOHOOO.. fuck... wait a minute WOOHOOO.. fingers crossed.. FUUUCKKK .. hang on.. maybe?? messed up?!?!? FUUUUUUUUUUCK

Turns out I am not champion. I did put up a hell of a fight. I did win 1st place in my handicap. My overall finish was my best ever at this level. So in the end it was pretty good.

Back to Friday night dinner. Long story short, I am running next year's deal again. This is the same event I ran last year when "the incident" occured. This year will be different. God help me I talked Sandy into helping. I really wanted her to help last year but we weren't talking. This coming year hopefully will be the caliber of event it should've been last year. Praying without another incident.

Lastly, my online experience has been dwindling. I'm still lurking and obviously posting occasionally. But, my attention span anymore is better suited for twitter. If anyone is interested I'm at pluffmudinsouth there too.

Not signing off or saying bye or anything like that. Just more active with 1 liners there. I come here when I have time (not as often as I like).

Mob rules baby

I'm sure this won't be a popular thing to say. My 10s of followers may in fact abandon me. But I'm going to say it. It's going to be political. IF you are one of the 5-10 who still come here, please read the whole thing before you decide spew forth teh hate.

More information is coming out of Fl about the, now famous, case of the neighborhood watch guy shooting the kid (trying not to trip too many search hits). I'll preface my opinion by saying it is absolutely tragic the kid was shot. I would not, under any circumstance want that on my conscious no matter how justified I may feel.

Should the guy have been following the kid? Maybe, maybe not. The guy was part of his neighborhood watch. Police encourage citizens to form neighborhood watches and patrol. What is the point of a NW if all you do is put up signs? So the guy sees the kid. He thinks the kid is suspicious. Was the guy profiling? You bet your ass. Should he? Sorry to say it, but probably. My Dad has had a real problem with crime in his neighborhood. Eventually they caught the kid responsible. He was a lone kid, wandering the neighborhood on foot, at night, wearing "street clothes". Yeah I'd probably call it in too. Perhaps the better choice would have been to simply call the police without ever leaving his car and let them deal with it. Do you really think the police would have come to investigate? I'm betting not. I can get the guy's action to a point. For sure his actions have put him in the position he's in now as public enemy number 1 (justified or not).

Let's talk about the kid for a second. Turns out he wasn't the angel after all. He was in trouble with his school for having a baggie with weed residue. There are now stories of tweets between he and a cousin of unprovoked violence against a bus driver. What was the kid doing there in the first place? Did he live there? It was a gated community.

According to transcripts the guy was following the kid while on the phone with the Police. They told him to quit. He said he returned to his vehicle. Then mayhem ensued.

The guy's story is he returned to his car and the kid jumped him. He was knocked to the ground, the kid repeatedly punched and slammed his head on the sidewalk. The kid grabbed for the gun. Fearing his life, he shot him.

Why the hell would the kid, much smaller than the guy, go after him? How could the kid knock him to the ground? How could the guy shoot a kid with only skittles and a drink in his hand?

Now we're hearing there is one, maybe 2 witnesses who did see the kid attack the guy. The guy had grass stains on his back, scrapes and cuts to his face and back of his head. The kid's girlfriend was on the phone with him and her story may support he attacked the guy.

The guy was clearly eager to do his job in the neighborhood watch. Maybe too eager. The kid was clearly no angel. Maybe the guy provoked the kid. Maybe the guy chased the kid and started a fight, ended up on the wrong side of an ass whooping and then used deadly force. Maybe he did walk away and the kid, pissed off at being followed with a history of bad choices, who decided to get some. Maybe the kid bum rushed the guy and caught him off guard. Maybe the guy was in fact just a fat geek with no history of violence completely unprepared to deal with 150 lbs of teenage gansta fury going off on him.

The media is doing a bang up job of inciting the populace into bounties against the guy, marches, protests, speeches on Capital Hill. Turning the guy into some crazed, racist vigilante with uncontrolled blood lust.

At the end of it all. A young kid is dead. The guy, no matter what the outcome will be the scourge of the earth. And no one really knows what the hell happened. Oh yeah, and the police have barely scratched the surface of the actual investigation. All of this is due to public outcry based on incomplete information.

Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if the guy did provoke the kid and shot him in cold blood. Nor would I be surprised if the kid did in fact beat the guy to the point where he feared his life. The circumstances leading up to the shooting are riddled with question marks from the guy's role in the watch to the kids motives and past. The stories (and they're just that at this point) of the actual shooting are suspect. Did witnesses really see anything (after all the source is the media)? What did the kid's girlfriend actually hear?

My point to this entire post is, NO ONE... and I mean NO ONE, not even the Justice Department knows what the hell actually happened at this point. For sure it is tragic. The only known is a kid is dead. Be patient. Let them investigate. Wait for all of the facts to come out. Then, and only then judge the incident.

Small load, I did it by hand

This ended up being long and drawn out. There are semi-interesting things towards the end though.

This weekend was a whirlwind of activity. It started first thing Friday morning. We had a massive outage over the weekend at work to complete some electrical upgrades several years in the making. All day Friday there were tons of last minute preparations.

I don't know what the hell people were thinking, but many decided to take the opportunity to install upgrades, or make changes. We kept trying to explain, we manage hundreds of systems. We have to shut them all down cleanly. Asking us to make changes while juggling it all is a disaster waiting to happen. Many of these decisions came Friday afternoon.

Which completely fucked me up because I also had a match to run. Yup, Saturday, in addition to the outage, was also the 1st Sat of the month. My weekend to run my little shootin match. It takes most of the afternoon the day before to set one of these up. While people were scrambling around wanting tons of stuff done at work, I had to bail (or at least tried to) to go to the range to prepare for that little event.

I finally pried myself out of the office and ran up to the range. Fortunately, I have really good help. A couple of the retired and self-employed guys went out earlier in the day and did a lot of the work for me. I built things until about 6pm.

When I got home, Mrs and I got into an argument. I'm planning to go to nearby southern State for a championship match in 2 weeks. I really need practice. Next weekend I was planning to go to mid-state city to shoot their match. Mrs has work to do and needs me to take care of C. Over the last 3 months, between work and personal, my ability to practice has dropped to nothing. I'm pretty frustrated because I've invested a significant amount of time, energy, and money into the sport. And it's all wasted if I don't practice. We had just come to an arrangement about the weekend, when my phone rang. It was my Dad. Guess who is deciding to come visit next weekend? FUCK!! Plans back out the window.

Between the argument and the conversation with my Dad I pretty much threw my hands up and sulked the rest of the night in the bedroom.

As you should all be aware, the weather in the south was FUCKED.... UP. Tornados. Massive amounts of rain. When I went to bed Friday night, my area was predicted to have 80-100% chance of rain. You would think we would cancel the match for weather. Many other shooting disciplines do. But not this one. We are hard fucking core. I've only seen 1 match cancelled in my years in the sport. And that was because the road to the range was underwater. I am expected to hold X number of events a year to keep my affiliation with the national organization. Until I get that number in, I feel tremendous pressure to hold them no matter what. That and I took the time to build the thing I damed sure want to get my money's worth.

Saturday morning I trekked to the range. It was overcast, but dry. The radar showed a wall of green headed our way though. Usually, when the weather is going to be nasty, we will have a hand full of die hards. I expected about 10-15 people including the people who set up and run it. We ended up with 50. I couldn't believe it. Everyone knew it was going to pour. But they came anyway.

So we trudged ahead. Sure as shit, not 5 minutes after we started the drops came. At first a drizzle. Then a steady rain. About 1/2 way through the day it turned into a deluge. People kept shooting. We trudged on.

Around 12:30, I had done all I could do. I had to be at work at 2pm. I made arrangements for someone to take over for me. I jumped in my truck and hauled ass back to my house. I only took about 10 minutes to pull out all of my equipment and lay it out to air out. Jumped in the shower. Then started working.

The outage was mostly 2 hours of furious activity followed by hours of waiting. During the wait period, C had show that had been on the schedule for a year. I hauled ass across town to watch that. I'm SO glad I did. Her show was amazing. She was great. It's amazing to see how much she has matured in some respects in the course of a year. Had I not been able to make it, I would've never realized just how much. By the time her show was over, I had to haul ass to get everyone back home. Then haul ass to work to complete the outage.

The outage went about as expected. Hours of chaos as we fought the little things involved with powering on an entire data center. Timing problems. Small config oversights. Each requiring individual attention and extreme organizational skills. None of which happen in the wee hours of the morning. But we got through it. I made it home around 2:30am.

I carefully slid into bed trying not to wake Mrs. I guess I wasn't successful. She slid over to me pressing her back against me. I was on my stomach, my hand by my side. When she slid against me I felt the cool smoothness of her ass against my hand. Hmm.. that's different. She moaned and pressed against me. I rolled over sliding my arm around her waist. She pressed back against me. I felt a tightness in my groin.

Usually she wears pajamas to ped. I thought of what the nakedness meant. Maybe she rubbed one out while I was gone. The tightness progressed to throbbing. My cock was pressed against her ass. I slid my hand along her side. A sound escaped from her lips "zzxxxzzzzzxzzzZZZZZZ'. Fuck.

I rolled over to, hopefully, fall asleep. She rolled over with me sliding her legs across my groin. I could feel the heat of her pussy against my thigh. The throbbing continued. As did the snoring. Fuck.

I rolled back to my stomach. Ever since I broke my elbow, I have to sleep with that arm along my side when I'm on my stomach. It is uncomfortable if it ends up under me. The weight of my body puts pressure at a weird angle. When I rolled to my stomach, she draped her leg across my butt. My hand naturally lay against her inner thigh. I gently stroked her thigh, not quite able to reach her pussy. She murmered... then snored. Fuck.

Giving up, I drifted off and slept hard. It had been one really long day.

I guess I'm getting too old for this shit. The next day I woke up with a splitting headache. I had all of the symptoms of a hangover, minus the actual alcohol. My head pounded. I was nauseous and had the cold sweats. I pounded advil and juice trying to get my blood sugar back up. Finally around noon I was able to crawl out of bed.

Mrs was running around doing Sunday morning type of things. Once I got rid of my headache and had some food, I felt immensely better. Picking back up where I left off at 3am. I eased up behind Mrs and ran a hand inside her robe. My mouth went to her neck and nibbled along the line just below her ear. She said "I have to take a shower". I said, but I'm just going to get you dirty again. "Shower... then..."

Whatever.. I knew the shower would drag on and on. Then she would do 20 other things. She and C had to be somewhere by mid-afternoon. I did a quick mental check list of how long it would take her, and when they would have to leave and concluded we would have about 5-10 minutes for sex. But I was horny and I AM a guy so... what the fuck. I know I'll get mine. 10 minutes is better than nothing.

So I waited. I heard the water turn off. Then I heard C in the bathroom talking to Mrs. Next thing I know, Mrs and C marched up the stairs. I waited... and waited.. She never came back down. Fuck it. I'm not going to go through the motions.

I grabbed all of the gear I had layed out from the previous day and the downpour and took it to my workbench to clean and oil. Another 20 minutes went by and I was up to my elbows in grease and gunk. Mrs poked her head in and said "Are you busy?". "yup". "You don't even have a few minutes??"... "Nope". "ok".

And that was that. She and C left about 20 minutes later. I surfed porn until I finally found something suitably arousing. 30 seconds of jerking off and I was over the whole thing. Like the punch line of a joke I heard when I was younger, It was a small load. I did it by hand.

Once Mrs got home, I spent a couple of hours dreading an attempt to seduce me. Per usual, it wasn't an issue. she was asleep on the couch by 7:30.

and then I was accosted by the CEO

I was sitting at a bar contemplating a drink to order. Someone walked up to me and said "Boy that woman just gave you a serious eat shit look". Really?? Me? I don't recall having ever been to the bar. Much less know anyone. A few minutes later the bartender walked over to take my order. She said "I wonder what her problem was. She really gave you the stink eye".

hmm.. two people mentioning a mystery woman giving me the stink eye. A few minutes later, a woman appeared in the door leading to the restaurant area. I did not recognize her. She immediately made eye contact with me and marched in my direction. She got about 10 steps when I realized, on her heels, was my ex-wife.

"Oh great" I thought. Some friend of Ex who feels the need to express some sisterhood bonding anti-male bash the ex moment. I was anticipating, with some delight I might add, breaking it to her the Ex could only have been hurt in the divorce by my lack of acceptance of her fucking 1/2 of my friends.

She marched up to me. I noticed, for the first time, how my ex has aged. I'll come back to that though. She demanded "You don't know who I am??". Oh shit... did I fuck her in a past life and forgot her?? Could it be some bizarre worlds colliding thing where to women who have shared all of my intimate bits have compared notes?!

I responded as cooly as I could "No clue". She huffed "I am the C.E.O. of XXX Company". Uuuuuuhhh.. oooo kayyy. What the fuck did this have to do with me. "I can NOT believe you didn't recognize me".

I'm guessing this was supposed to be some acknowledgement to my Ex she finally made something of herself. At long last she broke free of the chains of the world holding her down, relegating her to menial receptionist duties and blowing managers. That I didn't give a nod of approval as they entered the restaurant clearly sparked a fugue of indignity.

Then my alarm clock went off.

This gets chocked into the What.. THE fuck dream bucket. Ok so first thing, this is the first time I remember, in all the years since our divorce, not having a dream about the ex and sex. Usually, in my dreams we run into each other and somehow end up fucking. Second, her age. I always picture women from my past as they were back then. 20 something. 30 something. Whatever. But in this case, my dream was very realistic in that she definitely sported a couple of crows feet. A tiny wrinkle or two around the mouth. Not old like 80 something. Completely age appropriate. But definitely aged. The last thing interesting about the dream, I really have no idea who the CEO was. I don't recognize the face at all. I always thought people in your dreams were actually real people you know. I truly don't know this person. Unless it was a subconscious thing.

But she was hot. And I would've totally fucked her. And the ex FTW

red rum... red rum...redrum..redrum

All work and no play...

My big project is in full swing. I just realized I've worked every weekend for the last 3 weekends, and I have at least 3 more weekends of work coming.

Having said that, I will be in serious need of blowing off some steam soon.... SOON.. Suggestions? Anyone want to help? Wait does that make me sound desparate?? Don't judge.

Rinse repeat

In the previous post I talked about teasing Red about not having a couch. This has been an ongoing thing between us. Every chance I get I make a comment to the effect of "if only you had a couch"...

Yesterday we were chatting again. Again I was carefully tip toeing around certain directions of conversation because she made it clear I'm married and off limits.

Today on FB she posted "a boy said it's really hard to flirt when you don't have a couch". Hmmm... she had a date last night. Could it possibly be ANOTHER person finds her lack of couch to be disturbing?? Based on the conversation from the other day lack of couch only benefits her because... well.. there's the bed instead. I'm thinking under that circumstance the date probably wouldn't care if there's a couch or not.

But as always.. here it comes.. wah wah waaaahhh #FAILNOPUSSYFORYOU I'm certain she's not talking about me. Ah well...

Wah wah waaaaahhh

I need my own personal #fail sound effect. That "wah wah waaaaaaah" from price is right when they fail.

I can't figure Red out. She is definitely one odd duck. One minute I think she's making moves on me. Then the next I think I said something wrong and she barely acknowledges my existence.

I've never expressed an interest in her. I mean I flirt. But I flirt with everyone. A couple of months ago I was talking the usual smack. Nothing overt. Just hints and innuendos. Then one day she tells me she has a new apartment and invites me to go see it over lunch. So I went. Nothing came of it. No moves. Just friends. After, she started telling me all about her fuck buddy etc. etc. Completely unsolicited on my part. Again, I didn't offer, make moves, suggest anything. I just listened and commented from a voyeuristic stand point.

Then nothing. I mean she wouldn't even engage in idle chit chat on some of the public forums we all use here. I figured I must've said something wrong and pissed her off.

Then yesterday she suddenly started chatting me up on the public forum. I can't remember the exact sequence. But essentially I was talking to a guy about work. She chimed in. Long story but the guy was answering 2 people at the same time in different forums. I started throwing questions at him to see if I could get him to get confused and answer random non-sense on the OTHER forum (ah the life of a bored geek... this one time... on forum... it was SOO funny). She threw out answers before he could as fast as I could type them out.

Then she said she was asked all of the same questions on a date once. She surmised the date was looking for a smart girl. To which I replied, "I used to go for gullible and pliable". To which she responded "I'm pliable". Not really responding to anyone in particular, I added "Drunk can be substituted for gullible". Someone else said put a beer in front of Red. Again, responding to no one in particular, just letting the comic in my head out I said "well... drunk has to do since you can't club them any more".

She said "well you could grab my hair"... wait what? Are you talking to me? You want me to grab your hair? Considering how things seem to have gone in the past I backpedaled and left the room.

Later, mostly because I couldn't help myself, I posted "I'm looking for beer and a club" and tagged Red. To which she began chatting with me. I, of course, was flirting but not necessarily being overt. She said something about grabbing her hair again. Another long story but she doesn't own a couch. I teased her about it constantly previously. So I said, "grab hair and drag to a couch.. oh wait.. no couch.. bummer". She said "I have a bed"

Ok, now at this point, it seems obvious to me she's implying I should grab her by the hair and drag her to her bed. But, I opted for the flirtatious yet safe route by saying "Well that's a novel idea". She added "Or kitchen table". Ok... this is definitely getting intense.

Then she said "damn it I guess I'm going to have to text fuck buddy now"

Cue the wah wah waaaaahhh

Yeah baby.. story of my life. Mrs asleep on the couch. Hot red head talking shit. And I send her off to her fuck buddy.

Moment of clarity

When I'm bored my mind wanders. Tonight it wandered back to THE day. I was replaying conversations with people. I have always felt guilty about that day. I don't know why specifically guilt. I know I couldn't prevent it. I know I didn't do anything to cause it. I was just unlucky enough to be in the wrong place and time to find him. For a while I thought maybe it was because when I first saw him on the range, before I realized who it was, I thought "what the fuck now?!??" Not "oh shit are you ok?" But that doesn't really speak to me when I consider it. I thought maybe if I hadn't sponsored him to join the club it wouldn't have happened. But again... if it weren't me it would've been someone else. Still doesn't quite speak to me either.

It suddenly came to me. How can I love a hobby that ultimately resulted in the death of a good man and friend?

Yeah that feels right.

I'm a chick evidently

I was perfectly happy being acquaintances. Friends even. But we did this whole dance around being together. It was a repeat of history. You pushed buttons. I responded. Then you pulled back and started asking questions. The exact same questions you asked before. Then, on one hand you pulled me in and on another you pushed me away. And now lately, there's a wall up. You don't let me in.

All I ever asked was for you to be honest with me and tell me what's going on. Instead, you feed me bullshit, half truths, and push me away. When I try to ask, you tell me "quit being a girl".

I can't help my feelings. I fell for you a long time ago. My heart aches when we're not together. But it breaks when you put up the wall and shut me out.

I'm deeply hurt that we did this dance again, and again you don't have the big girl panties to talk to me.

I don't want to walk away like I did 2 years ago. But I have to get this out so we can move on.

Is what I really want to say. What I want.. need to hear is "I don't feel the same way" or "I'm seeing someone now" or "I'm back with boyfriend". What I will get is either a bunch of bullshit meaning nothing. Non committal "safe" statements like "I'm attracted but..." Words with no substance. Or worse, nothing at all. Pretending nothing ever happened. Or nothing was said. Which is probably the most hurtful of all. Because my brain tells me it will never be. But as long as she won't say it, my heart fights to hold on.

It's funny.. because it's true

Yup....

Change

I'm feeling a change coming. I quit blogging for a few years because all I wanted to write were entries like my last post. I had this idea that I needed to get rid of all negativity. Of course that's impossible to do. But at the time I felt blogging was allowing it to backflow so to speak. While therapeutic, also empowering and giving weight to the negativity itself.

I dunno, something is off. Ever feel like you're invisible? It seems like the only visibility I have is negative visibility. For example, people started asking about lunch Friday. These are people I've gone with before. I chimed in and said I was interested. Crickets. Then the guy who brought it up said he couldn't go. So I said I'm going to restaurant X at noon if anyone is interested. Crickets. After I got back, the OP chimed in and said he was going to the same fuckin place. Then 3-4 people suddenly were going. It's like tap tap tap is this thing on??

I'm on a huge project at work. Highly visible. Lots of pressure. I'm getting my shit done. But, there is serious lack of communication from the PM team. We're constantly getting "We need this major thing done by tomorrow". So we scramble to get it done. Then the next day we get from a completely different group "why the fuck did you do this? You need to let people know when you just decide to make changes like that". I'm invisible until someone else perceives I've fucked up.

I feel like I'm the guy who people talk over. No one takes seriously. I always do what I say and mean what I say. But people always treat me and look at me like I'm full of shit when I say something. I'm always the "other" guy. Like with Sandy. I'm the safe backup guy. Toy with me until something better comes along. Or to boost her ego because she knows I'm like a dog. Kick me. But I still come back for more.

I must be transmitting serious negativity. Maybe that's the whole issue. I was getting my hair cut Friday. It's usually my favorite thing. She's cute. She spends a LOT of time massaging my scalp. We always have really interesting conversations. She asked me "Are you in a little bit of a funk?" Shit I guess. It must be written all over my face, my words. I have to do something.

First step? Social media. I find myself constantly checking Facebook. I tell myself I'm fascinated by what my friends are up to. I think deep down I want to see people interact with me. And when they don't, I'm disappointed. Like having a rough tag in your shirt. Tiny itch/scratch here. There. Over and over. Until you can't wait to rip it off and cut it out. Making it worse is I constantly look for Sandy to write something. She has been out of town at a big shooting event. No contact. No calls. No emails. So I'm watching FB constantly for snippets from her. I mean really? This is not good.

I joined twitter to have some pervy interaction with people. It was cool for a while. But more and more I find myself in the same situation. I can't really chat much because I'm slammed at work. It takes all of my effort to keep myself focused on the tasks I'm paid to do. Much less chit chat. As such my interactions have fallen to next to nothing. And when I do have time, it's like crickets. Same deal.

Why do I feel the need to have the pervy interactions in the first place? I've said it all along, from the beginning of this blog. There's a hole in my marriage. I tried and wanted to fill it with meaningless sex. Unsuccessfully. I don't think I can say I have had one encounter as direct result of this blog (or twitter). Retelling sex with Mrs was hot at first. But quickly I got as bored with it as I am with the marriage in the first place. I guess I had it in my head if I could at least have distraction and some fun along the way, maybe I could manage the other aspects of my marriage. I do love Mrs. But just not in the way she loves me. Every time she kisses me and says I love you, that tag scratches my neck. I guess I wanted to feel something.

OR.. I wanted someone to want me. Mrs wanting me isn't enough. I need to feel attractive. I need to feel visible. I think really that's the root of it all. I want someone else to see me.

I have to ask myself, have I enriched anyone's life via Social Media? Has my life been enriched? Or is it more negativity I need to cut? IF I cut it, am I just running away from root issues?

Letting Go

Not easy to do. I know I need to. I thought things were different this time. After spending 2 years not talking I thought we would move forward. Be adults. TALK.

What pisses me off is, I really didn't try to go down this road. She full court pressed right up until it was time to actually do something. Then the same old questions... the same lines.. the same shutting down.. pretending nothing happened. I have actually been witness to similar treatment of others. The other guy is admittedly a douchebag. But her way of dealing with him is to just ignore him. Don't respond to txts. Don't answer the phone. She said to me "I wish he would get the hint". OR... YOU could just fucking spell it out for him... and me.

It's not easy. I was miserable for 2 years not talking. Hopefully I can find some middle ground.

The thing I have learned from this go round, which I'm sure has been obvious to everyone else, is I'm desperate for the idea. The reality not so much. The entire life of this blog I've talked about how I'm sucking it up for the family. I can't help how I feel about Mrs. She deserves someone who feels the same. But every time she expresses love, I'm cringing on the inside.

So here comes someone I'm attracted to. I think I have strong feelings. I'm actually contemplating leaving Mrs. The shine goes off that rock and I come to my senses. But am I just this desperate for ANY kind of feelings on my side that this is what happens?

Hmmph.. er.. well.. uhhhh

I really wish I had something interesting to say.

Oooh ok I thought of something. Quick background. I shot a match saturday. I royally fooked my knee up. I'm hitting the age where everything hurts, pops, creaks. I didn't give the little "snick" I heard in my knee a second thought. It didn't hurt. I was in the middle of shooting and my focus was elsewhere so maybe it did. I didn't think much of it. Then a few minutes later I started thinking maybe I tweaked it. Then 20 minutes later I knew I tweaked it. Another 20 minutes and I was thinking ok this thing is getting pretty annoying. By the time I left I could barely walk on it. It's been very painful ever since.

I work in the middle of a small city. Parking, being what it is, can be a challenge. It took me 10 years to finally park on this side of a major throughway. I still park anywhere from 1/4-1/3 of a mile away from my actual office depending on where I end up in the garage. Yesterday, I was about as far away as you could get in my garage. 1/2 way to my office from my car and I could barely walk. Unfortunately, I had to make the trek again midway through the afternoon to pick C up. THEN back to the office with C while waiting for her violin lesson. Finally BACK again to leave for violin. All of the trips took a serious toll yesterday. I spent last night in bed with my knee up on a few pillows grinding my teeth, popping advil, wine, and eventually lortab.

Mrs came into the room right around 1/2 time of the big game. She took one look at me, chuckled, then actually gave me a "tsk tsk", walked over, threw the covers back, ripped my shorts open and took me in her mouth. Once sufficiently hard, she climbed on. Which was perfectly fine with me. Leg up, cock up, Mrs up. Perfect.

Somewhere back in the archives I've talked about this but I guess a refresher would be easier than trying to find the post. I have mixed emotions about this position. On one hand, it's my go-to fuck like a porn star position because I can go and go until Mrs cums and cums. On the other hand, I can't. Don't get me wrong, it's hot and all. I just don't finish.

So after a few minutes, Mrs came a couple of times, I was ready. And thus the comedy began. First, I tried my patented leg sweep into missionary without slipping out. Yeah.. leg sweep.. FUUUCK that hurt. Ok so we rolled gently while I grimaced and tried not to groan (not in a good way). Ok mission accomplished (heh.. pun). Except my knee couldn't deal with the pressure of the angle. So after just a few seconds I rolled her over to try from behind.

If I thought the angle was fucked up before it was REALLY fucked up now. My knee just doesn't want to bend. But I was in danger of getting too distracted by the discomfort. I didn't dare stop. We ended up in a bad place on the bed sooo.. Mrs was kind of bumping the headboard. But SHE didn't dare say anything.

I'm sure some where there has to be a celestial blooper reel and for damn sure this is on it.

Completely switching gears...

I found a new love of my life. A singer named Kimbra. She's from New Zealand. Unfortunately, you can't get much of her music in the states. But damned she's a cutie. And talented too.

ramble off...